Pissing contests…

Master is really stressed about the job change. So much that He is back to snapping at every thing and every one that gets in his way. If who got the last shout is who won, he always wins. After he says something really harsh and hurtful I just shut down and do what he wants… shut up and go away.

Theres this place inside of me that I escape to a lot when Master is like this. It’s my numb place. I go on auto-pilot. I feel nothing. No happy thoughts, no sad thoughts. All I feel is the constant lump in my throat letting me know that it still hurts. For some reason, after constantly being beaten into silence and submission my upper arm has developed a warning pain letting me know tears are coming. When I use to cry with j after a severe beating he would administer another. When that pain in my arm starts I know to go to the place where the tears don’t flow. The place where I’m safe in oblivion… My numb place. It has saved me from so many things and people. It’s so sad that I have had to go there with Master. But every time he gets angry and says/does something he knows is hurtful I have to use it.

Any emotional pain that Master inflicts upon me is far worse than any physical pain I have had to endure. Mainly because Master is supposed to protect me from harm. He is supposed to shelter me and make me feel safe. But when he gets like this… He does none of that. Not only does he not protect me from harm, he inflicts it.

My whole life I have only been able to count on pets and inanimate objects to not hurt me. All pets want to do is love you and be loved by you. They don’t judge or use scornful sarcasm. They put their heads/bodies (depending on type/size of animal) in your lap and lick at any showing flesh trying to make you feel better. They are always glad you exist. No matter what… And things are just that, things. My stuffed animals (yes I still have them) aren’t beings so therefor they can’t judge. They can’t lower and degrade me for my actions when I’m hurt.

To put it in Master’s words when it comes to his stress. I either have to help or shut up… Here is me helping. I will say this then shut up.

If he wants to stay in this shitty job, stay. If he doesn’t want to make any money to support his family, don’t. If he thinks he can make money hopefully before he is dead, think away. That is his choice, I have made mine.

Whether by this opportunity or another I am getting off this truck. If I have to go alone, I will. I actually want to make money. Have a life and a home. And I will get all of those things. He can stay on the truck, I don’t care. I on the other hand, will get off, get an actual job that pays actual money. And thrive! Yes, I am now doing what I said I would never do. He has to choose. I have given him a year of my life with this. I haven’t seen my friends let alone family in a year. I will not do it another year. I am at my breaking point.

So what will he do?

Stay?
or
Quit?

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