Another nightmare

Last night I slept like a baby until around 2:00AM when I woke up sweating from another nightmare. It was similar to the last one, only this time there was no rape.

Master and I were in the new house and had been for quite some time because we had his daughter and a four-year old little boy. (That alone should tell you something. I don’t want kids but I dream about them) I took the kids to the park and came home early and found Master with a blonde. It was bad. It was the holiday seasons and he left me with the kids so he could be with her. I had to explain to the family why he wasn’t at the thanksgiving/Christmas dinner with his family. (I don’t know what holiday, just that I was making a holiday meal with the fixin’s’. IE- relish tray, deviled eggs, stuffing.) After telling everyone then, at the worst possible time, they ended up blaming me for his screw up by saying, “I wasn’t satisfying him enough…”. I was the one cheated on yet it was my fault?! How exactly does that work?? Then it ended with me finding out I’m preggo again by severe pain and losing the baby and becoming bitter…

Umm. And that kind of dream means what? People always say dreams are you subconscious trying to communicate with you. If that is the case what exactly is my subconscious wanting my conscious mind to know? This is two our of four of my worst fears come to life. The other nightmare was another fear. I am deathly afraid Master is going to cheat on me and leave me wounded like every other person in my life has. And he knows this. It is one of his fears to. But why am I having nightmares about it now? What is the point in that? I am finally getting to actually live with him in an actual house.

Maybe it is because of all the stress with quitting this job, going to another and moving into a place. My mother and now Master always tell me that stress can either do wonders to the body (lose weight) or it can create chaos. I’ve been through so many moves in my life that the process is engraved onto my brain forever. But this time is different. I actually have to make the decisions and help with others on this one. There is no mom or grandma to do the thinking. All I have had to do is help load up the stuff and go. Now I’m the one figuring out the next step. There is always a next step in life. You just have to sit down and figure it out.

Even that possibility doesn’t make any sense. I have had to deal with stressful situations my whole life. Some worse than others. I am at an impasse in my mind. Whether it’s because of stress, hormones or just an over active imagination I don’t know. I’m going to guess a combination of all three.

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