Mornings suck

For those of you that don’t know me, I am not a morning person at all. I’m not the giddy moron you hear about at soon as they wake up. Quite the opposite. If I wake up early I’m usually cranky and still half asleep until the normal time I wake up. It doesn’t matter what time that is. So needless to say right now I am not happy. Master just had to wake me up early so we could leave.. No, let’s not let me sleep.

Add onto that he just has to complain about how I get ready in the morning. You would think after a year he would accept the fact that I’m not going to wake up perky or quick. I have gotten a lot faster waking up and getting ready then I use to be. But do you hear him talk about that? Nope. It’s all about hurry, hurry, hurry. Well fuck your hurry. I will go as fast as I always do. It works just fine, oh and guess what? We are never late because of it!! Yet like other things, it’s just not good enough. I can’t wait to get off this stupid thing. I won’t take a second look back. This… thing has done nothing but cause problems. I have been homeless for to long. And like I keep trying to tell him, a vehicle is NOT a home!

The first thing I am buying that isn’t “needed” is an I-pod. If I have to hear another classic rock-n-roll song I will puke. Eric Clapton.. Pfft! That man can’t sing for shit. I just don’t like that kind of music. I have been tolerating it for a year. Master never puts on music that I might enjoy. Because if he doesn’t like it, it won’t be played. He won’t even tolerate classical… He complains about it! The only thing I get to listen to is crap rock and played-to-death country. Oh joy to be me! At least with an I-pod I will be able to listen to what-ever I want. He won’t be able to “pick” what I get to listen to. I never want him to control that part of my life. Unlike him I enjoy the more elegant music. Such as opera and classical maybe even some broadway thrown in there. I haven’t listened to a good musical in a year. Except for Sweeny Todd. He likes that one. My favorite movie that is on the truck I have watched once in a year. You bet your ass if his favorite movie was on the truck it would be out frequently.

By the way my collar is once again back on. Even though there is no hint of the lifestyle in our relationship other than the collar. It was put on yesterday or the day before, I don’t remember. I felt so relieved it was off. All the pressure and weight had been lifted of my shoulders. People assume being a slave is easy because you don’t have to make the decisions in your own life. But they are dead wrong. It’s not easy. It’s one of the hardest things to do in my opinion. There are so many double standards in B.D.S.M that it makes me want to scream. Maybe it’s different for others I don’t know. All I know is from my experience (even though there isn’t a lot) it’s very hard.

The Doms set up rules and regulations to help you get into the mindset of “being their property”. Things that are ment to make you feel your servitude down to the pits of your soul. But like everything else in life if they don’t provide the right enviroment we, the submissive, won’t succeed. For instance my 5 steps in the morning. Master put those in place to take us and my slavery to the next step. I’m suppose to ask him to get up, to get dressed, then kneel by my chair, ask to get in it then ask to go to the bathroom. Well for a week that was dandy. But then it fell apart. You can lead the horse to the water but if it isn’t under the right situation it won’t drink. I need some form of motivation to do those things. I have none. I don’t get praise for doing things right. Master thinks that if he says to do it, it should be done right period. It’s a non-event as he calls it so therefor should not be rewarded. I don’t get punished for not doing them… So why should I lower and debase myself if there is no gratification? There is no self-gratification out of that.  I know it’s probably wrong to think like that as a slave. But I do. With pretty much everything. I need to feel like I am accomplishing something. That these 5 steps mean something. And could possibly bring something to the table. In a way I am like my Master with this. If I’m going to do it, I need to do it completely. I don’t want a part-time slavery or ownership. I want it all believe it or not. Maybe once we get a house things will change. I’m hoping at least…

Well my little red friend is due to start either today or tomorrow. I was really hoping to do one last scene in the truck. We did one when we first got it and it only seemed fitting to do one before we give it up. I doubt that will happen now. If it was going to happen, it would have been yesterday. But Master wouldn’t. Yet he blamed me, because I got frustrated. Well, duh! We haven’t had sex in at least a month let alone a scene. So, yup I’m frustrated as fuck! Because now it will probably be at least two weeks before anything happens. I hate this about him. He has to be spontaneous to the point where I don’t get a proper spanking or fucking for months. Unless you count when I have to do it myself because he is to into his little game. But whatever. I’ve pretty well lost all sexual urges from not having it. It’s a more meh response. Sex? Meh. Scene? Meh. Spankings? Meh.

Maybe next month eh?

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