Realizations

I think after so long I have finally figured out what exactly I want. Master always tells me in arguments that I don’t know what I want. In a way he was right, painfully so.

Every day I read about other peoples lives. How they are being controlled and I sink further and further into a state of insubordination and frustration. I read how one slave is trying to earn back a collar while another is stepping further into her bindings all the while I sit idle because of my inability to commit to this. And I get mad. Mad at myself for reading them, taking them to personal and not committing fully to the path that I have chosen. Then I get mad at Master for not being a mind-reader and figuring all of this out for me, for not just taking the control or silencing my protests either physically or mentally. After I get mad at Master (who has done nothing to deserve it) I once again aim the anger to myself which becomes self loathing. All because I’m to afraid to let go and jump over the safe line that I have drawn around myself.

I have been to afraid of loosing myself to the image that has been placed into my mind that I went the polar opposite of that image. Instead of becoming a uber slave to the point of a doormat I have turned into a cranky, disrespectful little bitch. I always write about how I don’t want to lose my spunky giddy side to a robot that I didn’t notice the true change that happened right under my nose.

In the last couple of months I have lost all desire to serve my Master. Even the simple task of getting him a Pepsi which I cherished and loved doing started to annoy. I use to have such passion and yearning to do just that. I remember the first time I cooked for him and did his dirty laundry at the house. I felt such joy and overflowing submission in those simple acts that I knew at his feet was where I was ment to be. And I have completely lost sight of that. The feeling of belonging and a sense of ownership went away along with my submission. I have stolen from my Master without even realizing it. I always blamed him for not taking the control I offered. I thought that was the way it was. I offer and he takes. I was so wrong and I should have known better. It doesn’t work that way. I don’t allow him to control me. Nor do I offer only the parts I deem worthy of his control. It isn’t up to me it’s up to him. I stole from him not only his power and control, but his slave and property as well. I have to make amends asap!

I feel like such a fool for not noticing this sooner!

In figuring all of this out I stumbled upon what I truly want also. To explain better I need to state what I don’t want but also some limits.

  • I don’t want to be treated like a girlfriend
  • I don’t want to be treated like a wife
  • I don’t want the sympathy or leniency that is given when the Master is in love with his slave.
  • I don’t want to lose myself to become his doormat
  • I don’t want to become a raving bitch either
  • Preferably no hoods
  • Until I’m ready I don’t want to do any play with urine
  • I don’t want to be used for just domestic duties. (I know it’s not always hoods, gags and whips but I don’t want it to get so boring or routine either where I have to do all the house duties before anything else. That is a major fear of mine. That I will have no more value in the sensual or sexual department, or even the scenes..)

Now a better description of what I want..

  • I want to be treated as property. Even to the point of using me for something he wants and Master having to silence my protests. Preferably with minimal yelling :)?
  • I want to feel the joy of serving again. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
  • I want to feel complete and needed again.
  • I want structure
  • I want some routine. Not a lot, but some. (I know complicated and a fine line)
  • I want to be disciplined when I do something wrong. How will I ever learn if he doesn’t show me what is unacceptable? I’m no mind reader either. Even if he has to remember and discipline/punish me for the crime committed later in the day when it is more acceptable for living with the vanilla people and standards in public.
  • I want to get to the point where it is expected of me to actually go to him when I have done something wrong.
  • I want to have some sort of mantra/slave time in the morning when I first wake up.
  • I want to be put in my place on a regular basis, not just in scenes. Either by off-handed gestures or key phrases said by him or that I am expected to say/do.
  • I want the love and respect Master gives me, but only in appropriate times. I want the cuddles after a scene but I don’t want that to affect the discipline.
  • I don’t want any of the control. Once I am ready (mentally, physically, emotionally) I want Master to own me fully. Where I am truly slave and he is Master.

I don’t expect this to happen over night if it happens at all. I understand change takes time to fully happen or show itself. I would like to see some small steps taken in that direction though. Whether it be physical steps or verbal. I also know that I am going to have to explain myself better to Him in order for this to work. I can’t keep bottling my emotions up and demand him just to figure them out. That is a disaster waiting to happen. I also know there are times when I will hate the choice that I have already made. (Just waiting for permission and approval) I will just have to work through those times until it is not only tolerable again but pleasurable as well.

My only regret was that it took me this long to figure all of this out. Who knows what would have happened if this was stumbled upon sooner.

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