Growth, Pain & I dunno

Pain is the four letter word that makes most people cringe. The things that come hand in hand with submission  would make sane people scream and run. Half the fantasies I have or Master has, are nightmares for some. It definitely takes a certain kind of person to be a slave. It isn’t just about the whips, chains or gags although that is a good sized chunk. And it isn’t just about physical pain but other kinds too.

I have been so wrapped up in the physical aspects of slavery that I have neglected the more subdued aspects; Such as the emotional side affects of being treated like an object or the mental slavery. People have a hard time understanding when I say this life isn’t all about sex or pain. I have had some pretty odd looks and comments thrown my way because of that one little statement. Plus a couple of common questions like “Then what is it about?”. How do you answer that when there is so many different thoughts on the subject. There’s a lot, and I do mean a lot, of activities that goes with it. You would be suprised what you can turn kinky from a normal kitchen. I sure as heck am. And everyone has their own views on slavery. Some go to the extreme while others don’t.

I mean how do you explain to someone that ultimately having no say in what happens is a good thing or being put in a cage isn’t a bad thing? The feelings are so complex and new for me that I have a hard time describing them to my Master let alone some stranger. There are some hidden fantasies that I’m not comfortable with inside my head, yet they turn me on. There is a sense of embarrassment and shame when I think of those things but I can’t stop my over active brain from going there. What’s the best way to describe something to another person when I am still so new and inexperienced? I hate the idea of giving out false information that I just clam right up. Master said to me one time that if I make clear that I’m just going on my own experiences and what I tell them is what Master and I do, I get let off the hook. I’m still not sure about that but I have faith in Master’s judgment.

I’m the type of person that has to analyze everything in her life. I like to plan and be prepared for anything. But when you give the control over to someone else it changes things completely. Oh, as a human being you have the choice to say no and that you won’t take anymore of this. But as a slave you choose not to say those words. There are two words that at times are the best things in the world and other times make you want to scream.

“Yes Master.”

Those two little words are my answer to a lot of things and choices Master makes for me. As a human I have the right to tell my Master that I don’t want to do my exercises but as His slave all I can say is “Yes Master” when I’m told to do them. Of course with my exercises it’s a little different. He is helping me achieve my goal weight by making me exercise. I loath Him now but down the road I will be thankful. It’s not a choice I want, but it’s the choice I need. And as my Master He knows this as do I. It’s not always about what I want but about what He thinks I need. That saying is the down to earth basics of my life and His thinking. He tells me what He thinks I need to do and I obey. Sometimes with a huff and some lip. (Hey I may be a slave but I’m also human 🙂 ) But ultimately at the end of the day, it get’s done.

Like a lot of other people I have been stuck on the physical side of the spectrum. I use to be a cutter before I met Master. It was how I dealt with the stress and anger that bubbled up inside of me because of my surroundings. Now that I am shoved into a stressful situation again I am having the urge to cut once more. Since I can’t do that because it would be against Master’s rules and I don’t want to mark His property, I have been getting angry… At everything and everyone. I dispise being angry. To qualify I’m not talking about the fleeting stabs of bad energy one gets when upset. I am talking about the mind numbing, blinding anger that I get when I don’t address the situation. I got so mad at Master the other day of something extremely stupid I punched the door to Master’s dresser. (that is actually being used as the catch-all at the moment due to very little clothing) I wasn’t thinking, I was reacting to Him. Then as the pain started coursing through my nerve endings I calmed down quickly. That sweet feeling of mind shattering pain for those few seconds was all it took to get me in the right frame of mind again. I have no clue why pain works so well for me. But once I feel the burning sensation my mind starts to clear and my body relaxes. It’s better then a hot shower any day of the week!

I actually talked to Master about this last night while He was outside. (silly rule of no smoking in the house) He told me that He understood and He would give me a good spanking. Unfortunately it didn’t happen last night because He looked at His photo albums.  and started to talk about His past. I really like listening to Him talk so I didn’t mind to much. Tonight when Master and W get home from the run I want to talk Master into going for a walk after He relaxes. Then once everyone is tucked away in bed Master said He would administer my swats! 🙂 *Does a lil dance!!*

*Cough* Anywho, Master also told me I was in trouble for not doing my exercises yesterday.I got reprimanded before bed. My punishment for not doing them is to tack on another 5 to todays. I did them before this post because I don’t want another 10 added to tomorrow. I am already sore in a pleasant kind of way. Master actually disciplined me. (Yush, I know I’m weird for liking when Master does that, sue me) During the disciplining I was kind of upset but it was my own fault for being in that situation. I don’t blame Him in the least. Yes I know, I’ve grown. 🙂

I’m going to go do a new font thingy so


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