Depression and procrastination

I have such a stress induced headache. Have had it for a while. It doesn’t exactly help that the
Guy I’m with is a major procrastinator. Our phone bill is due soon and its a big one. The first ones
Always are. We have the money now yet he decides to go buy things from Walmart instead.
Even though he knows what the stress does to me. Not like he cares but a girl can dream….

If you haven’t figured it out yet I’ll tell you now. For the last two-three months I have been
miserable. Why? Because the man I fell in love with tricked me into his life with pretty words
And false sense of how things were going to be.

We have very little if anything in common anymore. Half the time I ignore what he says because
I just heard the conversation last week! And the other half is about sports, which I hate! Not two
Seconds ago he blew up because I turned down the radio. I use to cry when he yelled because
I cared when he got mad… I don’t cry anymore because I don’t care. Its an everyday occurance to
Be yelled at for one thing or another. Lately its because my view on life is wrong, his words.

We have zero communication! On my part its because I know he will just tell me my idea or
thought or even feelings are stupid or wrong. In my eyes its a waste of time to get him to see any
-ones view or ideas then his own.. When I try to talk with him about things he gets defensive or
Angry. He doesn’t even try to see things from my perspective..

Yesterday I got kind of depressed.. Ok so no kind of about it. I was way down in the dumps and he
didn’t even try to help he just kept pointing out the things that way in the first place..

I guess what I’m saying is I haven’t felt so alone in a long time.. I have no one to talk to. Even if I did
I don’t have any privacy to do that…

We’re going down hill fast and I can’t stop it….. Do I even want to?

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    • valkyria
    • October 8th, 2010

    babe, i have been reading your blog for a fair bit of time but never made a comment, one of those girls lurking in the shadows i guess but at this point i feel like i have to speak up.
    Abuse is never ok never ever ever..sometimes living in the lifestyle we forget what is part of it and what is abuse.
    being screamed at and being put down is abuse, maybe it is time to jump off before you feel you loose all your value. Your feelings, thoughts and values are just as important as yours regardless of your Ds relationship. A Mans property can be well looked after and loved and cared for and can become the pride of His life..or it can be ignored and neglected and fall into pieces.

  1. Valkyria,
    First thank you for the comment.
    Its good to know that people are reading my blog even if they are creepers-o-the-nighters lol.

    Now deap down I know you are probably right about the abuse and leaving while I can, but I just
    Can’t do it. The good parts of my life with Him keep me here. They may be few and far between lately
    But they are still there and extremely euphoric and bliss. They are what keep me going, that and my
    Love for Him the Man and Master.

    I greately appreciate the concern, but I doubt I’m going anywhere. Call it stupidity or self-destruction.
    It is what it is.

    Plus lately I have been as bad as He is. I yell and curse at Him as well. I haven’t been acting like a
    Slave. I’m not justifying what He does I’m just stating what I do as well

      • valkyria
      • October 9th, 2010

      well it must be really hard being in your position (as in both of you) you are together pretty much 24/7 and never experience anything outside to bring new things to the relationship.

      i know only see the what you write here but what you write makes me worry about your wellbeing. I have been in a simulare relationship myself and in the end it nearly broke me down to nothing.

      Now i am in a healthy Ds relationship and i am like OMG this is how its suppose to be!!!! Yes its not always perfect BUT no relationship ever is, but im being seen, heard and cherised for my part in it, Master is very strict but He is also very fair and i know He will always have my wellbeing at heart and it has made me being able to relax and give even more; a typical example the other day, i disagreed with Him and i answered back, and He calmly said
      …girl you may disagree and I will take your concern into concidaration BUT GIRL you may never argue in the end I decide what will be done with your wellbeing in mind!

      i instantly relaxed and knew my place, knowing i had been seen and heard, also knowing my input into the relationship is important.
      Master is in charge

      In my other relationship i (just like you), lived for the few moments of bliss, and in the end i turned into the “bitch from hell” i hardly recordnised myself, screaming, crying, stomping my feet, looking for a way out, i got so bad i concidered suicide, i didnt want to die, i wanted out of the situation, i wanted Him to see me the way He used too. i relased now, it was only my way of trying to be heard or seen, none of my feelings was taken into concideration and it made me stressed, and i couldnt sleep making things worse, and the worse i got the more he ignored me..cried at the drop of a hat, screemed as a mad woman,
      in the end it wasnt enough, i had to jump off out of selfpreservation, took me about a year to come back to who i used to be.
      anyway i want to wish you all the best on your journey and look after yourself girl..be kind to yourself..and know atleast one other person knows “sort off” how you feel.

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