We got back from our home time yesterday. We were met with a lot of messages concerning loads. We are doing the walmart blitz until monday. A most boring run I couldn’t imagine! We go from Houston to dallas then back… That’s it. Easy money sure but I don’t know if its worth it. He is already snapping at me for “selective hearing”. I have to look at Him to hear over the drum of a diesel engine, so when I look away I can’t hear Him so well. Its a disaster if a car or animal snags my attention away from Him for a second!! As you can tell today and yesterday have sucked. I doubt its going to get any better.

Home time was… Productive. We got our po box and sent in the change of address form. Within two weeks the man said the mail would start going there, which is good. My mother now has no excuse for not sending in for my birth certificate. We also paid the remainder of the phone bill a day early as it turned out, so that is current and done with until december 3rd. We relaxed, he watched his wrestling and I played on the phone. I even got a spanking. It left very little marks. The ones that were there were spotty and faint. There already gone. I doubt I will get any bruises that are good. He stops way to early and doesn’t raise the intensity after I stop making noises. Its like he doesn’t know how to do it so I will bruise… If you ask him why I’m sure he will make up an excuse, he always does!

We have talked about raising the pain level many times. Yet he stops when the going gets good. Its like deep down he doesn’t want to leave marks. His sadistic side has died away, I wish he would get it back but he doesn’t seen to want to. I don’t get it nor do I pretend that I do with him. Its like my suggestions arnt sticking in my head even though its my limits he won’t test. Then you add to that the fact we haven’t had sex in a month, you start to see why I think were going back to the two weeks of control and domination only! Just like before… But he doesn’t or won’t see that.

Maybe he just needs some encouragement to do more pain full things. But how do I do that with out being to pushy or nagging? I ask him for more but he says his hand hurts (he prefers his hand to a weapon) and to give him a moment. When I do he doesn’t want to continue and I very much do! The spankings last 20+ minutes tops if I’m lucky and that’s all he does. I always have to ask for ouchies there never just given. Some people would say I’m greedy and should be thankful for what he does give me. And your all right. But what would you do if what you wanted wasn’t a guarantee? Would you sit by and let it slip through your fingers or would you fight to keep it?! I will always fight for what I want/need to be myself. And I know beyond a doubt it makes him feel like the king of the world after a long, rough scene! You can tell by the way he acts and talks. It makes for a more enjoyable day, for the both of us.

So why he won’t do it I don’t know…

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