Vanilla & slave Masks

 

Well we’re here in Laredo. Laundries done, beds made and He’s been rubbed down. My part has been successfully completed. I was a good girl and watched His movie, Full Metal Jacket and I didn’t complain when all He talked about was football playoffs. I’m not writing this looking for a “Job well done” or anything. Quite the opposite. I have finally learned to accept that my Masters version of “Job well done” is nothing… If He doesn’t punish me or correct me, than I’m doing well. I know, for a slave like me its a bit backwards, but that’s my Master for ya.

For a long time I tried to get Him to understand that way wouldn’t work for me, even if done to perfection. He’s never gotten it. So I have come to accept that. I don’t like it or agree with it, but I can’t change it. I’ve tried! Good-gosh how I’ve tried.. I just keep failing. I don’t fight loosing battles, no matter how dear the cause, which left two options; A) leave or B) adapt and accept. Every time I give up a battle and accept His way I’m left with those options. The first I refuse to do just because of kink differences! Which leaves only the second.

What brought this on? Sephi did. She wrote of her not being girl friend material and needing to take that “normal mask” off now that the roomies are gone. And on this topic I could not agree more! Only our interpretation and views differ. I have been wearing the mask so long, I can’t tell which is the true Mask. The normal vanilla girlfriend? Or the part-time, barely dipping her toe in the water, slave? I just don’t know.

I’ve been trying not to push my way or agenda on Him, but it’s so hard! When our ideals are so vastly different, how do I back off? When His idea of being Master is once every couple of weeks when we get to play, how do I not ask for some form of pain/pleasure? I don’t think He can be serious enough to be the dominant I need longer than a play session.. And that’s the brutally honest truth!

Actually being consistent in His punishments or corrections is too much of a responsibility for one who jokes and plays around to much. He says He does the serious thing when needed. He says a lot of things… What is He willing to DO?

His spanking me every other day lasted 4 days. His rules lasted a couple of months. His 3-things a day to do for Him lasted the longest, but even that ended badly. He wants me to ride on the floor next to Him but that’s happened twice. He said He was going to make a list two weeks ago about whats acceptable and what isn’t for when I get off the truck. Haven’t seen it yet. My daily routine was blown out the window in less than a week and I made that.

I am desperately trying to take the “Vanilla Mask” off but its impossible when He does nothing but put it back by His inconsistency! I tried and succeeded in doing for Him with out an ulterior motive… Well I would have if He allowed it. Since? Nothing, nada, Zip! Right now I don’t want to do much less selflessly. And I know that attitude won’t change a dang thing…

I don’t know if anything will 😦

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