Poison

I’m sorry for the long wait in posts. I know from first hand how frustrating that can be! You never really know how demanding outside interferences can be until you have some of your own. And Boy, do I have them! It seems like all I have these days.

As I write this I am probably forfeiting any chance of some ouchies or some sex. The odds were against me so don’t feel bad. It’s the story of my life right now.

Work has been pretty demanding as of late and as you all know it affects Him in a certain light. Pretty much suppresses that side of Him I rarely see; The Sadistic Master. So the change I talked about the 21st hasn’t exactly happened. It was just that one time deal. And I guess that’s ok to Him. At first I was so angry, not at Him this time but at myself. I let the pretty words get inside my head where they took root and started to spread hope.

For me that’s nothing but a four letter word. A poison, if you will. Not the instant death kind, but the corrosive kind. It eats away at my sanity one day at a time. Until nothing but bitterness exists. Clearly not at all healthy! I know this in my brian but my heart is a step or six behind.. So I get angry. This time I couldn’t get angry at Him. It was all on me.

I knew in the very deep and well hidden areas of both heart and brain that it wouldn’t happen/last. That it was the same talk different words but still I let the hope spread. It took me a while to get over it. My anger turned to being ashamed of myself for not listening to that part of me. You know, the whole “Fool me once” saying…

It took me the better part of the 5 days to get into a healthier mindset. I’m still not happy, I’m just not beating myself up over it. One day I’m sure I will adjust to a life with very little sex or kink… Mostly I regret the lack of control…

I’m tired so I’m going to bed.

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