“I want to put myself absolutely at your mercy for good or evil without any condition, without any limit to your power.” -Leopold von Sacher-Masoch

I would absolutely love to submit myself to the whims of my Owner in such a complete way. I would be thrilled to wake up and not know what’s going to happen to or around me. If I could submit all things to Him my life would be so simple and to the point.

I don’t know if I can do that though. Ever since I was a little girl I have been taking care of myself. And I have done a good job of it. I’ve always worked and made my own decisions. I’m a rather independent person and that can get in the way of submitting like that. I know what I want when I want it and I know what I need when I need it.

What I don’t know is if He will be that in tune to my wants and needs. If He doesn’t I, once again, am an unfulfilled person. I know what that’s like. I don’t want to go back to being a walking, talking time bomb. I don’t want to be broken!

Plus I’m afraid. I don’t wear my collar right now because it’s symbology has changed. It has become a red-hot beacon of all my disappointments this last year and a half. It symbolises all my neglected needs, lost experiences and sorrow. That particular collar lost its good meaning.

I’m hoping with a new collar I won’t be so afraid of it.

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