Struggles

“What have you discovered in your service that you never expected?”

That is a hard one. I have had this on my mind the whole weekend trying to answer that. I have known since I was 16 that this lifestyle is what I wanted. To serve and please another in all that I am. At first I was drawn to the submissive side but that changed once I met my Master. I never expected this part to be so hard. I figured I would be a pro at it since I have been wanting to please since I was 16.

After a little while I realized the hardest thing in my service is staying in the slave mindset. I never knew it would be so hard maintaining the charisma, enjoyment to please and whole mindset that is needed to submit fully to another person. There are times when life throws you a curve ball mixed with a fast ball. It’s hard to keep in mind that you aren’t free to react the way you would have.

Your Master may piss you off or annoy you, but you can’t really get mad and yell at Him or tell Him to piss off. (Do as I say not as I do. I’m still learning!!) It’s a natural reaction to defend yourself. In a way you can but you still have to show respect to the Man/Woman that owns you. After all you are His/Hers. They can do with you what they want with no explanation what so ever!

And that is hard for me to wrap my head around. I like knowing where I’m going, what I’m doing and who I will be doing it with. But with my Master, He likes to throw random things out there just to see how I react. I must think on my toes. It’s frustrating but at the end of the day when I do well, it is definitely rewarded. Maybe not in the conventional ways. Sometimes I will get an extra spanking or cuddle time. This weekend I got to see a chick flick because I was good meeting with Sir R and j! (HEY! Chick flicks are a big deal for me. They are even more rare than sushi, and that’s saying something!)

I may not get a treasured “Good girl” but I still get something. For a while I lost sight of that. I was so concerned with the negatives and not the positives, I didn’t even see when I was being rewarded. Thankfully my blindfold is off. And the reward helps reassure me that I am doing good even though I am struggling.

Does that make me a bad slave? Maybe. But at least I am learning and admitting when I slip up so I can dust myself off with the help of my Master.

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