Archive for June, 2011

Growing in my place

I have been browsing along two websites looking for new gear and toys. Our toy collection is still really bare, but now that we have the space and storage that might change. I found a couple of good quality floggers and a bamboo cane that hopefuly (crosses fingers) will leave plenty of marks on my hard-to-mark tushy.

There was also a sensory deprivation hood that I am drooling over! Its black leather and has a gas mask/pump that I would breath through. The cool thing is Master can control how well I can breath. So many fantacies would be answered with just that piece. There is extra padding around the ears, eyes and mouth. Its not quite sound proof but it muffles the noise so I wouldn’t know where Master was or what He was saying.

I’ve dreamt about having Master control everything in a scene for a while but sufice it to say, a pillow or His hand isn’t extreme enough now. Our play has evolved from the beginner level to the more advanced toys and play.

My limits aren’t the same as they were a year ago. I want to have my body and face completely inclosed. I want to be Master’s foot stool or any other piece of furnature He chooses for me. I will do what ever He wishes of me. Although the cumming on my face still creaps me out. So that is still a big fat No!

This step in our dynamic is long in coming but now that it is here I feel excitement and nervousness all in one ball. I guess that is natural, to be a little nervous of the unknown?

At least thats how I’m going to see it. It is my blog after all 🙂

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Masters new toy!

Master is home for the weekend. He has to leave Tuesday morning. This time with Him has become so precious to me. You have no idea how important the little things are, ie His smell, touch and even His voice. Without Him here the apartment is so empty and devoid of life.

I have no purpose when He is gone. Its hard to even do the simple things like cooking is. It isnt the same cooking for just myself. I always wish He was here, with me instead of out there. But I know this separation is nessecary for our future.

Things are rough on the lifestyle front. We haven’t figured out how exactly to be us, in our places even when we are apart. Its a learning process, as sephi put it today. We have to find what works and tweek what doesn’t until it to works. It will be hard, but learning to be Master and slave on the truck was also hard. And we learned to do that.

Master got a new toy! Its a android tablet with a 3G hook up. We were there to talk phone returns and came home with this bad boy. I so want one after playing with it today. I’ve done things on Fetlife, facebook and here that I didn’t think I would be able to do.

I also made the bed, did laundry, washed dishes and made pork chops, wild rice, corn and deviled eggs. (All Master’s favorites) So a normal day as a stay-at-home slave. Oh and washed dishes after cooking and eating. Soon I will give Master a rub down and probably go to bed. I was up at 6:30am, so I’m pretty tired.

If I can I will post Junes posts tomorrow. I am only allowed to be online when Master is here. Which is only one weekend a month now. 😦

Beware: Geeky

Now that we are in the place, I have almost nothing to do. I’m not a fan of half the shows on tv, I use to like House and NCIS but that was all the truck stops played. I don’t get the pregnant teen shows. Kids having kids isn’t glamorous, its irresponsible!

The boredom is going to drive me insane! The only “friend” I have won’ waste gas to visit now that Master and I are away frome one another. But going to the same city for a munch we could have went to is ok. She doesn’t have to say all that, its the fact that she says nothing that makes my point. So, going out is a big fat No; for now. Until I find someone else to talk to.

I’m still shy about the extra cost but perhaps getting a computer ar Aarons would have been smart. The only thing was our bills were increasing as it was. I was worried the 100+ dollars would hurt us more than help. I know it doesn’t seem like much for most of you but the only bill we have had for almost a year was the phone. Now we have the phone, rent, electric and furnature.

Now I think we might be able to handle it. But we will see. I’d really like to play Sims again. Have my mother ship the ones I have there. Make the family tree as complex as I wanted before. Yes it is geeky of me to say that but I love Sims. Its the type of game I find addicting. I like the Business and Pets expansion packs the most. Even the basic one is still complex.

Loss of words

I have come to find a new comfort food or rather drink. While Master has been away I first turned to munching on snacks when the pangs of sadness hit. As you can imagine that doesn’t help me loose weight. Which is my goal now that I am off the truck. So I substituted food for hot tea.

When Master and I ate breakfast or I was feeling down I had a mug of hot tea and felt better. I was calmed at once. I tried it again yesterday, curled up on the couch under a blankie with a cup of hot tea and it was easier to stomach the pain. It helps to center my mind.

Its hard to explain just how I feel with out my Master around. Most of you probably don’t understand why I needed something to center myself and calm the emotions. Like so many other things that go along with slabery or BDSM, you have to experience it for yourself to really know. If you went from a 24/7 TPE relationship to a version of a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) than you know where I am at.

You cant read about the loss of self that happens when you are parted from your Dominant and then know about it. No words correctly describe the empty shell that one becomes.

Its better today than it was Friday. Not by much but at least I’m not crying as much. Right now that is about all I can hope for this first tme. I am praying the next time He leaves it will be easier but I’m not so sure..

Catch all

Master went to work Friday. I am here in the apartment. Its nice not to be moving all the time from truck stop to truck stop. No more truckers staring at me constantly, and I have indoor plumbing!

But there is no Master around. The place feels empty and quiet without Him. I never realized how much I relied on Him for things like conpanionship. He is the only person I can talk to that gets me and our unique situation. The only “Friend” I have doesn’t talk to me unless she wants something. Now that I know she is like that I can search else where when I can.

Until that happens though, i’m kind of stuck here in the apartment becaise I don’t know anyone. I don’t mind not going out as much as I mind the fact that I have no one to talk to. Master, for all His other qualities, is a horrid listener. He doesn’t understand the healing abilities of a good rant. He interupts with “think positive” or “its fine”. Which is ok if I am panicking.

I don’t know why but I cant watch a whole movie here. I get about half through and I get a wild hair to do something. Today it was clean the kitchen. It didn’t need it but I couldn’t sit still any longer. I’ve tried 3 different movies all to the same affect. Its odd because I use to be able to just stop everything and veg for an hour or two. I cant seem to do it and its definately bothersome! Its a wee bit frustrating too.

I think I might try a different one tomorrow.