Archive for the ‘ Journal ’ Category

Growing in my place

I have been browsing along two websites looking for new gear and toys. Our toy collection is still really bare, but now that we have the space and storage that might change. I found a couple of good quality floggers and a bamboo cane that hopefuly (crosses fingers) will leave plenty of marks on my hard-to-mark tushy.

There was also a sensory deprivation hood that I am drooling over! Its black leather and has a gas mask/pump that I would breath through. The cool thing is Master can control how well I can breath. So many fantacies would be answered with just that piece. There is extra padding around the ears, eyes and mouth. Its not quite sound proof but it muffles the noise so I wouldn’t know where Master was or what He was saying.

I’ve dreamt about having Master control everything in a scene for a while but sufice it to say, a pillow or His hand isn’t extreme enough now. Our play has evolved from the beginner level to the more advanced toys and play.

My limits aren’t the same as they were a year ago. I want to have my body and face completely inclosed. I want to be Master’s foot stool or any other piece of furnature He chooses for me. I will do what ever He wishes of me. Although the cumming on my face still creaps me out. So that is still a big fat No!

This step in our dynamic is long in coming but now that it is here I feel excitement and nervousness all in one ball. I guess that is natural, to be a little nervous of the unknown?

At least thats how I’m going to see it. It is my blog after all 🙂

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Masters new toy!

Master is home for the weekend. He has to leave Tuesday morning. This time with Him has become so precious to me. You have no idea how important the little things are, ie His smell, touch and even His voice. Without Him here the apartment is so empty and devoid of life.

I have no purpose when He is gone. Its hard to even do the simple things like cooking is. It isnt the same cooking for just myself. I always wish He was here, with me instead of out there. But I know this separation is nessecary for our future.

Things are rough on the lifestyle front. We haven’t figured out how exactly to be us, in our places even when we are apart. Its a learning process, as sephi put it today. We have to find what works and tweek what doesn’t until it to works. It will be hard, but learning to be Master and slave on the truck was also hard. And we learned to do that.

Master got a new toy! Its a android tablet with a 3G hook up. We were there to talk phone returns and came home with this bad boy. I so want one after playing with it today. I’ve done things on Fetlife, facebook and here that I didn’t think I would be able to do.

I also made the bed, did laundry, washed dishes and made pork chops, wild rice, corn and deviled eggs. (All Master’s favorites) So a normal day as a stay-at-home slave. Oh and washed dishes after cooking and eating. Soon I will give Master a rub down and probably go to bed. I was up at 6:30am, so I’m pretty tired.

If I can I will post Junes posts tomorrow. I am only allowed to be online when Master is here. Which is only one weekend a month now. 😦

Beware: Geeky

Now that we are in the place, I have almost nothing to do. I’m not a fan of half the shows on tv, I use to like House and NCIS but that was all the truck stops played. I don’t get the pregnant teen shows. Kids having kids isn’t glamorous, its irresponsible!

The boredom is going to drive me insane! The only “friend” I have won’ waste gas to visit now that Master and I are away frome one another. But going to the same city for a munch we could have went to is ok. She doesn’t have to say all that, its the fact that she says nothing that makes my point. So, going out is a big fat No; for now. Until I find someone else to talk to.

I’m still shy about the extra cost but perhaps getting a computer ar Aarons would have been smart. The only thing was our bills were increasing as it was. I was worried the 100+ dollars would hurt us more than help. I know it doesn’t seem like much for most of you but the only bill we have had for almost a year was the phone. Now we have the phone, rent, electric and furnature.

Now I think we might be able to handle it. But we will see. I’d really like to play Sims again. Have my mother ship the ones I have there. Make the family tree as complex as I wanted before. Yes it is geeky of me to say that but I love Sims. Its the type of game I find addicting. I like the Business and Pets expansion packs the most. Even the basic one is still complex.

Loss of words

I have come to find a new comfort food or rather drink. While Master has been away I first turned to munching on snacks when the pangs of sadness hit. As you can imagine that doesn’t help me loose weight. Which is my goal now that I am off the truck. So I substituted food for hot tea.

When Master and I ate breakfast or I was feeling down I had a mug of hot tea and felt better. I was calmed at once. I tried it again yesterday, curled up on the couch under a blankie with a cup of hot tea and it was easier to stomach the pain. It helps to center my mind.

Its hard to explain just how I feel with out my Master around. Most of you probably don’t understand why I needed something to center myself and calm the emotions. Like so many other things that go along with slabery or BDSM, you have to experience it for yourself to really know. If you went from a 24/7 TPE relationship to a version of a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) than you know where I am at.

You cant read about the loss of self that happens when you are parted from your Dominant and then know about it. No words correctly describe the empty shell that one becomes.

Its better today than it was Friday. Not by much but at least I’m not crying as much. Right now that is about all I can hope for this first tme. I am praying the next time He leaves it will be easier but I’m not so sure..

Catch all

Master went to work Friday. I am here in the apartment. Its nice not to be moving all the time from truck stop to truck stop. No more truckers staring at me constantly, and I have indoor plumbing!

But there is no Master around. The place feels empty and quiet without Him. I never realized how much I relied on Him for things like conpanionship. He is the only person I can talk to that gets me and our unique situation. The only “Friend” I have doesn’t talk to me unless she wants something. Now that I know she is like that I can search else where when I can.

Until that happens though, i’m kind of stuck here in the apartment becaise I don’t know anyone. I don’t mind not going out as much as I mind the fact that I have no one to talk to. Master, for all His other qualities, is a horrid listener. He doesn’t understand the healing abilities of a good rant. He interupts with “think positive” or “its fine”. Which is ok if I am panicking.

I don’t know why but I cant watch a whole movie here. I get about half through and I get a wild hair to do something. Today it was clean the kitchen. It didn’t need it but I couldn’t sit still any longer. I’ve tried 3 different movies all to the same affect. Its odd because I use to be able to just stop everything and veg for an hour or two. I cant seem to do it and its definately bothersome! Its a wee bit frustrating too.

I think I might try a different one tomorrow.

Busy Busy Bees

If you have ever moved before you know the huge hastle it is! If you have moved from one state to the other than you know just how more difficult it can be!

Me? I’m moving from Washington State to the bottom of Texas. It is crazy how stressed I am right now.

Today alone, Master and I have driven around the city buying furniture and signing the lease for the apartment. Yes pervs and pervettes, we have the keys!

Today we ordered a living room set with a gray couch and love seat, two end tables of dark wood and glass inserts, a coffee table to match, a 32″ tv and a stand. Then we moved on to the bedroom. We got a four poster oak bed, two end tables and a Chester drawers. The furniture is so gorgeous! I am in heaven. It will hopefully be delivered and set up tomorrow morning/afternoon.

Now, you all should know I am a big BIG bargain shopper. If I can find a deal I am thrilled. You will never guess how much all together this cost. No really guess..!

… Less than $300!!!!!

Yes I had a mini orgasm to! Its ok, no one is telling a soul.

The best part about it (I know what could be better than a mini o? read on and you’ll find out) was that Master and I didn’t fight about any of it at all! Ok, so it may not be news to you. But to me? Huge deal! Master and I have opposite taste in furniture. I like dark wood, He likes light. I have an eclectic taste that flows with each other or separate. He likes the matchie matchie stuffs. And we compromised like pros! That is points to both slave and Master column. We’re good like that! (Yes, we so are!)

Oh! And we had an extra $150 at the end of the day that we thought we would have to spend. So I had yummy sushi for dinner. It was so good!! I should have taken a picture. But alas it didn’t last long enough.

My Wallet! Sorry for the blurry-ness

Plus Master allowed me to get my new wallet. The one I had I hated about a week after getting it. I was young..er and stupid in my choice. It was that fake gold crap. But this one? It’s so pretty! And it fits everything plus some! I have room for reciets, check book and change along with cash. It was only $10 to. Again mini Orgasm! Yes, I am one lucky slave today.

Tomorrow? I get to go dish shopping for pots, pans and other kitchen oddities. And food shopping. I am actually excited! At Family Dollar there is a set of dishes that are black that I am drooling over. I am so getting them tomorrow. I will take a picture of my treasure trove! You all will just have to wait for it.

Muahahaha! *coughs*

Expectation Assignment

Master wants me to write about my expectations for this hometime. We are moving in tomorrow. I’m not good with assignment writing so bare with me yall!

One thing I have learned as a lesson from my Master is to let things happen how they may. In essence stop trying to micromanage every detail of my life and let Master handle it. It has been a very hard long process to get me where I am. But I have arrived relatively unscathed. Which means I have no expectations.

But…!

I do have a couple of fantasies that I would like to see happen. Both in the broader sense of the word and specifics. I want to break the new place in with a Bang! I need to feel 100% owned, controlled and cherished at the same time. I want to be worn out and beaten until I can’t sit, stand, walk or even blink with out a twinge of pain or six.

I need to be put in my place and have our dynamic fully established within the new home. I need to know that the lip or back talk isn’t going to be acceptable. That the slack He has given me in the truck is gone! I want to feel like His slave both domestically and sexually. I want to be forced into my role.

I need humiliation, degradation and a primal fuck. I need to be treated like nothing other than property.

Then…

I need to be cuddled, soothed and pampered. I want all the nice words and the I love you’s after He completely breaks down every single wall that I have built in my life.

For this time, I have no limits. (except cumming on my face!! just clarifying *coughs*) I want no safe word or gesture. After two years of pain, my wonderful Sadist knows His masochists buttons pretty damn well! 🙂

For Master: I want You to turn me into Your filthy fuck toy and use me until You have completed your feast. Then at the end of the night, I will need You to tell me that You love me, need me and want me! With an extra heap of cuddles 😀