Archive for the ‘ Slavehood ’ Category

Growing in my place

I have been browsing along two websites looking for new gear and toys. Our toy collection is still really bare, but now that we have the space and storage that might change. I found a couple of good quality floggers and a bamboo cane that hopefuly (crosses fingers) will leave plenty of marks on my hard-to-mark tushy.

There was also a sensory deprivation hood that I am drooling over! Its black leather and has a gas mask/pump that I would breath through. The cool thing is Master can control how well I can breath. So many fantacies would be answered with just that piece. There is extra padding around the ears, eyes and mouth. Its not quite sound proof but it muffles the noise so I wouldn’t know where Master was or what He was saying.

I’ve dreamt about having Master control everything in a scene for a while but sufice it to say, a pillow or His hand isn’t extreme enough now. Our play has evolved from the beginner level to the more advanced toys and play.

My limits aren’t the same as they were a year ago. I want to have my body and face completely inclosed. I want to be Master’s foot stool or any other piece of furnature He chooses for me. I will do what ever He wishes of me. Although the cumming on my face still creaps me out. So that is still a big fat No!

This step in our dynamic is long in coming but now that it is here I feel excitement and nervousness all in one ball. I guess that is natural, to be a little nervous of the unknown?

At least thats how I’m going to see it. It is my blog after all 🙂

Loss of words

I have come to find a new comfort food or rather drink. While Master has been away I first turned to munching on snacks when the pangs of sadness hit. As you can imagine that doesn’t help me loose weight. Which is my goal now that I am off the truck. So I substituted food for hot tea.

When Master and I ate breakfast or I was feeling down I had a mug of hot tea and felt better. I was calmed at once. I tried it again yesterday, curled up on the couch under a blankie with a cup of hot tea and it was easier to stomach the pain. It helps to center my mind.

Its hard to explain just how I feel with out my Master around. Most of you probably don’t understand why I needed something to center myself and calm the emotions. Like so many other things that go along with slabery or BDSM, you have to experience it for yourself to really know. If you went from a 24/7 TPE relationship to a version of a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) than you know where I am at.

You cant read about the loss of self that happens when you are parted from your Dominant and then know about it. No words correctly describe the empty shell that one becomes.

Its better today than it was Friday. Not by much but at least I’m not crying as much. Right now that is about all I can hope for this first tme. I am praying the next time He leaves it will be easier but I’m not so sure..

Catch all

Master went to work Friday. I am here in the apartment. Its nice not to be moving all the time from truck stop to truck stop. No more truckers staring at me constantly, and I have indoor plumbing!

But there is no Master around. The place feels empty and quiet without Him. I never realized how much I relied on Him for things like conpanionship. He is the only person I can talk to that gets me and our unique situation. The only “Friend” I have doesn’t talk to me unless she wants something. Now that I know she is like that I can search else where when I can.

Until that happens though, i’m kind of stuck here in the apartment becaise I don’t know anyone. I don’t mind not going out as much as I mind the fact that I have no one to talk to. Master, for all His other qualities, is a horrid listener. He doesn’t understand the healing abilities of a good rant. He interupts with “think positive” or “its fine”. Which is ok if I am panicking.

I don’t know why but I cant watch a whole movie here. I get about half through and I get a wild hair to do something. Today it was clean the kitchen. It didn’t need it but I couldn’t sit still any longer. I’ve tried 3 different movies all to the same affect. Its odd because I use to be able to just stop everything and veg for an hour or two. I cant seem to do it and its definately bothersome! Its a wee bit frustrating too.

I think I might try a different one tomorrow.

Expectation Assignment

Master wants me to write about my expectations for this hometime. We are moving in tomorrow. I’m not good with assignment writing so bare with me yall!

One thing I have learned as a lesson from my Master is to let things happen how they may. In essence stop trying to micromanage every detail of my life and let Master handle it. It has been a very hard long process to get me where I am. But I have arrived relatively unscathed. Which means I have no expectations.

But…!

I do have a couple of fantasies that I would like to see happen. Both in the broader sense of the word and specifics. I want to break the new place in with a Bang! I need to feel 100% owned, controlled and cherished at the same time. I want to be worn out and beaten until I can’t sit, stand, walk or even blink with out a twinge of pain or six.

I need to be put in my place and have our dynamic fully established within the new home. I need to know that the lip or back talk isn’t going to be acceptable. That the slack He has given me in the truck is gone! I want to feel like His slave both domestically and sexually. I want to be forced into my role.

I need humiliation, degradation and a primal fuck. I need to be treated like nothing other than property.

Then…

I need to be cuddled, soothed and pampered. I want all the nice words and the I love you’s after He completely breaks down every single wall that I have built in my life.

For this time, I have no limits. (except cumming on my face!! just clarifying *coughs*) I want no safe word or gesture. After two years of pain, my wonderful Sadist knows His masochists buttons pretty damn well! 🙂

For Master: I want You to turn me into Your filthy fuck toy and use me until You have completed your feast. Then at the end of the night, I will need You to tell me that You love me, need me and want me! With an extra heap of cuddles 😀

Refocus

I’ve decided to take a break from the internet for the next 3 days. I don’t just mean Facebook but everything from Fetlife down to blogs. I will still write but I won’t be reading about other people’s lives.

I only have three days left with my Master. I am going to make them count for something! My focus is being shifted refocused on Him, where its suppose to be. He is my priority, not some one I have never met in person. No offence to any of you, but this is something I have to do.

I will not look back on these days with regret because I didn’t do more! My time with Him is extremely important, precious and special.

Eager Acceptance

I’m taking a break from writing The Academy. I normally don’t like to do that but there is a lot happening that is making me preoccupied.

We are moving into the apartment in less than a week. As for those of you who are friends on FB know, I am a mixed bag of nerves. It varies from day to day and hour to hour sometimes. I am excited to get off the truck! The first 6 months were fun but the year and a half after that was a bit brutal.

It was a great learning tool though. When two people are thrust together (not in a dirty way! Get your heads out of the gutter!) in a limited enviroment, they either mesh together or crumble. We not only meshed but thrived! At times it was a little rough and bumpy but no relationship is perfect. We are far from perfection but we are perfect for one another. There is no I or Me anymore, instead its We or Us.

People, couples especially, have no real concept of 24/7 until they live in a truck. I have no outside job or schooling to go to. Entertainment is done together, i.e movies. In the beginning we even showered together. Except for the bathroom we are hardly apart. Where He goes, I go. It can be suffocating or solidifying depending how you look at it. I like to think it helped make Us as strong as we are! For that, I will be forever grateful for this experience.

Now its time for the next stage in our relationship. Taking this leap of faith scares me to death and excites me. We have mastered living together in a really small space. Its become our normal and its safe. It’s not the experience or even the responsibility that frightens… Just that, we finally have us down pat and I’m afraid we will have to relearn us. I know that’s silly but there you have it.

Then you add being away from Master 2-3 weeks a month while He works and I’m a basket case!

I am doing things eagerly that I would normally grimace at just to have that feel of ownership and control. I don’t complain (as much) about the chores like laundry and making the bed. I still don’t like it but I am more than willing to do it. Anything I can do to help carry the dynamic we have now, I will do!

For instance, last night I gave Master a foot rub. I abhor feet! But I did it to show my appreciation to Him. No ulterior motive or selfish thoughts. Just me on my knees serving up one hell of a foot rub to Him!

I’m greatful for…

by PrimroseSue

Master’s love and patience.. I know I am not perfect. I try His patience each and every day when I misbehave, and yet He still sticks with me. I know I can do better be better and so does He! So He waits.

For frosted flakes when it’s either cereal or greasy day old pizza for breakfast.. When Master chooses Flying J truck stops to stay the night, I have limited choices for a nutritious or appetising breakfast. I am a firm believer that breakfast is the most important meal of they day. So I get the little individual cups of frosted flakes instead of pizza!

For Master allowing me to sleep in once in a while… I am not a morning person! I make no excuses as to why. I’d rather greet the dawn by staying awake all night than wake up at 6am or earlier. So when Master lets me sleep in, I have no words to express my thanks.

Master’s mercy and letting me have a Red Bull and coffee at 4am… I am not allowed to drink red bull, soda or anything to sweet. It messes with my system and I am trying to cut back on the sweets where I can. But at 4am I need the extra caffeine that is in both of those drinks. I usually drink Hot Tea instead of coffee, but red bull is usually a big no-no. He is very kind to me!

For finally being able to get a hotel when we are fried… When we were with the Other Company, we could barely afford to eat let alone take time off the truck in a hotel! But now? With the new Company we can do that once a month and sometimes more than that. It’s why I take great offense when someone speaks badly to me about it.

Sushi!! Need I say more? Except that Master doesn’t really like chinese food, so it’s rare that I get it.

And last but not least, for an extra dose of cuddles when The Curse is here… My Master is very understanding and sympathetic when it comes to cramps, hot flashes and cold flashes. He gives me cuddles when I ask for them and lets the leash slip a bit so to speak.

*****

For the last week I have been writing a Gratitude List. It has been driving my Master crazy because I wouldn’t let Him see it. *snickers* He could have pushed the issue but didn’t. And that? Is one of the biggest honor He has given me. He lets me write freely and about anything I wish. No rules or limits. I am honored He trusts me enough to know what is acceptable to write about and what isn’t because if I had to get the posts preaproved? I’d go nuts!

So Thank you Master for everything You do for me and allow me to do! Your patience and trust mean everything to me!