Sexual puppet

Last night Master used me for His sexual gratification. I was blindfolded and had clothes pins on my nipples while I was directed to suck His cock. It can get quite messy when you do that blindfolded. You have no idea where anything is and your spit just goes everywhere. Which is ok for Him because He likes it sloppy. Most women would turn their noses at being cum on with no gratification for them, but in this lifestyle not only is it acceptable it happens a lot for Master and I. I have never had a problem with being used this way. It is when He wants me to swallow His cum that I cringe. It’s a psychological thing, I don’t like the taste and I know little swimmy thing’s are going around my throat and teeth. *shudders*

There are some times when it isn’t quite so bad but that is when I have been used to the point of exhaustion and I don’t really care what happens next. After being used I get a feeling of being lowered and in a way put in my place. I get kind of funny afterwards, in the sense that I haven’t quite gotten use to the feelings that ensue the usage. I like the before anticipation and the during thrill, but the after feelings are a bit unsettling. Master and I talked about this for a little while last night and He assured me that what I feel after being used as His sexual puppet is normal. And that if I didn’t feel these things, He would be worrying. No one likes to be used or the feelings that happen after being used, but there are times when it does/will happen.

Master also asked me, “Do you get any pleasure out of pleasing me that way?”. I had to answer honestly even though at the time I didn’t want to. I told Him that the only way that I get pleasure out of being used is when I am used to the brink of exhaustion. Basically fully and completely. Chained, gaged, blindfolded and fucked to pieces then spanked, whipped and hit with the belt from my breasts to my toes. Then I get the pleasure and gratification that even though I didn’t cum, I gave my Master the pleasure that He needs. I fueled His sadistic side and His need to use me. Then and only then do I really get any pleasure out of being used.

As far as I am concerned the drama with an online someone is done and over with. I have decided to look at this from a different perspective. I am going to enjoy the things that I can partake in. Concentrate on my submissive side and my slavery to my Master. I am going to let the drama and harshness of other people drip right off my back. And no longer worry about any of this. I have in a sense washed my hands of this mess.

We have a load going to Amsterdam New York that picks up tomorrow. Master is going to try to get it early. If we can pick it up early, we can deliver early and go get the one coming out of MA that delivers right back down to NC and have all the profit on this weeks settlement. So we could conceivably be out of the hole this week and stay out! *does a little happy dance*

Gotta go help Master park and all that nonsense.

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Thinking as one


(Was suppose to be for Yesterday but internet was off)
Apparently Master and I were thinking alike yesterday with out even knowing it. He was having an image in His head all day of placing a kennel in between the seats, puting me in it and feeding bits of food or snacks to me through out the day. With out speaking to one another we were thinking about the same deviant fantasies. It is very strange sometimes to think that we are so much alike that we sometimes think the same things.

Then again sometimes Master pushes the fantasies to the max. Testing the boundaries or limits that I have put into place to see exactly how far I will go with a certain thing. And sometimes that is a bit to far for my taste.

I am still getting use to the idea of being used as just property. As either a toy for Master’s pleasure, a piece of furniture or a trinket to dress up and show off. Any and all of those should be viewed as very wrong. But they aren’t, just like the pup play. I still have a smallish struggle to get into the mindset to allow that sort of thing to happen. I think the more that Master uses me in that way the easier it will be. Practice makes perfect after all.
Sense this is my first relationship that I have had to lower myself into a type of second class citizenship I still have thoughts, feelings and ideals that aren’t befitting a slave. I still have a really hard time accepting the double standards of this life, but I am getting better. This is the life that I have chosen to live with the Man and Master that I love. I am going to strive to do it right. Master has this personality trait that demands that if someone does something (especially us) then they should do it right. Don’t pussy foot around or make excuses for not doing it. Just do it and either get it done and move on, or get it done and learn from it. I have tried to live up to that statement the whole time I have been on this truck. And let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty the first few months. I was fighting the rules, my place and my duties at every turn. With all of that I have gotten way better. If you think I’m bad now, You must not of known us in the beginning.

Like I’ve said before I know I’m not a perfect slave. That I do voice my concerns and argue with my Master when my beliefs are being questioned. But if Master still wants to own me and He doesn’t mind any of that. Then everyone elses opinion doesn’t matter. The only one that I listen to is Him. If He tells me I’m out of line, then I am. But some person that isn’t involved in any of this isn’t going to tell me what I’m doing is wrong. Only Master has that kind of power.

Last night after my post people got all upity again. I wasn’t talking about anyone and yet the drama still happened. Plus we were in roaming so not only did that phone call ruin His call with His daughter (by making it non-existent!) it also cost us a fortune we don’t have! We have been in the hole with this business since the beginning and now we have to spend extra just to set some chicky straight?? W.T.F. is up with that?! But Master and I talked about it for a long while last night. We came up with a simple solution. I ignore the drama and try to make nice. Which I will do once this conversation is over and done with. If it can be fixed it will be, if not it wont be. Either way it will be resolved. One way is good for Master, me and her. The other way is bad for everyone especially her. From this point on though I am going to ignore all the harsh digs, the pettiness and drama from everyone in my life and concentrate on my servitude to my Master.

Right now we are going along the mountains of West Virginia and a more pretty sight I can not imagine. The trees are all green and blooming. Everything is just breath-taking right now. I really like the purple splotches from the trees. We go through so many places that have great views, sometimes it’s taken for granted just how pretty it is up here. Master says that if people ignore it He figures it was made for Him to enjoy. And that is exactly what He does. He only gets to see small glimpses because He’s driving but that is in a large part why I take the pictures. I can’t wait until a digital camera shows up. I have a nack for taking pictures and always have. I really like doing it and now it helps Him see what He missed.

Right now I am going to enjoy the time that I have been gifted with this view and my Master.

Pup play

For the past week and a half I have had a severe need to do pup play. I don’t know why any of the activities of being a dog/puppy excite me. A part of me wants to deny it until I am blue in the face. But all you would have to do to know otherwise is mention putting my lying behind in a cage and I’m all a-quiver as Master puts it. There is just something about being made to crawl on all floors everywhere I go, having to scratch at the bathroom door to pee or even eating out of a dog dish that makes my heart start to race in anticipation. Maybe it’s the humiliation of it all that excites me. Because the worst thing ever is having to either pee outside or bark at the back door to let Master know that is exactly what I have to do. Those are two things that I am still unsure about. Their pretty extreme even for me.

The parts that excites me are sleeping in a cage, having a leash on, eating treats from Master’s hand and eating from the doggie bowl. For some even that is extreme but it excites me like nothing else. It is the forbidden aspect of being a puppy girl that sends lustful images of Master taking me from behind like the bitch that I am. I can’t explain it.

This last couple of weeks/month has been really hard on me. To the point that I need to feel nothing but my Master’s ownership. Exactly how much in control that He is. I need to be humiliated, lowered and put into my place to the max in order to let everything go. Basically I need to be whipped, gaged, and tied up. I need to be treated like a rag doll or bitch that is only here for my Master’s pleasure. I don’t need nice. I need harsh, extreme and humiliation. When I am stripped raw I am at my basic form. I am completely submissive and not able to think. Which is exactly what I need. When I am not thinking just feeling I am more in tune with my Master and HIS needs then anything else. It is the best way for me to center myself and get back to who I really am. Call it sub space or anything else you wish. I call it my Anna space.

I think tomorrow I will talk to Master about it. Tonight I know He just wants to relax and He has a phone call that He really doesn’t want to make then He will call His little girl. I know He has been looking forward to that all day, and if the first conversation ruins that I will be livid. She hasn’t seen anything yet if she takes that away from Him! *takes a deep breath* Plus We have been trying to get a good movie night in for a while now. And We have the munchies and time. So no time like the present right?

I have to help Master back up a 75 foot trailer without hitting anything.

*His slave/pup/bitch , Mas:)

Pot holes, Seat belts and cartoon porn

Master said something today that made me wonder. He said, “When we are good and not fighting the money situation is non-existent. But when our relationship is off, there’s money coming out of our asses…”. And he’s right. It’s like when we concentrate on fixing the dynamics in the relationship or mend the holes, we cant concentrate on the business long enough to make any money. Perhaps our minds are too focused on fixing one problem at a time that when one problem is fixed another springs to life. So now that we are good the business suffers. And when the business is good our relationship suffers….

So here is my question of the day… How do Master and I keep both the business and our relationship afloat the invisible raft that is flying down the Colorado river?? It seems ever bend in the river reveals a new set of issues. Like the B-Service we had a couple of days/weeks ago. The guy at the shop fixed a few things that were not on Masters list that the company was questioning. The dashboard was one. it wouldn’t of been written down except for the fact that the Concord yard mechanic did that at the previous B-Service so no way were we going to pay for it. And that day was not pretty. Imagine Master coming back to the truck after a B-Service and seeing the Dashboard all banged up and falling off? *shudders* Once Master explained that to the guy on the phone it was of the “Questionable list”. Then there’s the running board that was bent/dented. The guy wanted Master to pay 1000 bucks for the stupid thing!! Until Master talked the guy down on that one to. But if we don’t get to the terminal in Louisville and fax of a piece of paper then well… We will have to pay for it anyway. That’s just a hinting of the hits that keep on coming our way.

This morning another one happened. We were driving along and hit a HUGE ass pot hole in the middle of the road. We were going 65 mph which to some speedy people that doesn’t seem a lot. But with 37 thousand pounds pushing it along… We hit Hard. My poor butt is still sore. And not to mention my seat belt is caught. It grabbed a hold like it is suppose to do, but wont let go. That was earlier this morning and it STILL wont let go. That’s just a ticket waiting to happen. So now I have to hide out in the back every time we see a cop or cross a scale like some escaped convict. *Grumbles* Do you know what it’s like to have to hide in your own home??? It aint pretty! And makes my mood plummet down into the abyss of cranky.

All I want is one day where we don’t have to worry about money or work or things wrong with the truck. A day where Master and I are perfect. (As perfect as can be with us *smiles*) Just relaxing and maybe go for a walk or hang out. No worries or cares. Just us. Is that to much to ask?? Or am I being selfish? Well, if I am, then so be it. After almost a year of this nonsense we deserve a day of relaxation. Especially Master. He has a hard time relaxing, he has to always be doing something. It can be very irritating for me sometimes.

Yesterday Master found a new obsession. He likes the Simpson’s so I told him about Simpson porn. If I had to stumble on it and become blinded then so shall he. Now he looks at it a lot. He doesn’t want to look but he has to. I don’t get that mentality of his. Even though he doesn’t want to know or see it, he has to because he needs to know what the attraction or ickyness of it is. But now that I told him about it he’s drawn to it. It’s like every time he is online he cant resist it. He didn’t even know cartoon porn existed. Which I happen to like when the occasion calls for it. Mostly Anime or Hentia. I like it a whole lot better then normal porn. I don’t really get horny watching two people go at it on my T.V. I actually find it a bit gross. I mean, how much dick can you watch cum?? Or fake orgasms from the girls for that matter?? So for some reason Cartoon porn works wonders for me. Who knows why. But Simpson porn is stretching it even for me. Especially sense it’s a family going at it. Incest in any kind of way just isn’t right!

Anyway… I have lost my train of thought, so I will just end it here. See ya later.

Master’s theory: 3 pronged beings

In the light of the new day, I feel I have to explain myself a bit more on the last post I did…

One of the things that I have learned from my Master is that I am a three-pronged person.

1. Anna: The part of my personality that is the domestic, i.e- the one that makes the bed, does the dishes and makes dinner.
2. Lil’One: The part of my personality that is very playful, curious and a bit feisty.
3. Slave: And last but not least, the part of me that craves to have the control taken from me so I am free to feel. I don’t have to think when I am under my Master’s hand.

The last post I did was my submissive side being unhappy with my/our current situation. It’s not that I’m completely unhappy. Because that is the farthest thing from the truth. But when it comes to our relationship in B.D.S.M it is a bit lacking. I love the times when Master and I are joking around, having a fantastic time just being us. No stress or pressure about where we are going to be tomorrow night, how many miles we have this week or the fact that we are currently still in the hole. And that part of my personality as I stated above is Lil’one. Under Master she is flourishing, growing every day and become more sure of herself. But in order for Master to put that much time and care into that part of my personality other things were pushed back to the back burner of the stove of our lives. Unfortunately that part was the part that needs the most attention because it is so newly found. I understand that He had to do so much fixing when I first came to Him because of my past. I was broken and He wants to fix it. Has to fix it in order to move on to other things or areas of our life. But cant He do that while being my Master? Cant He do that at the same time as He guides me down the path of my own submission?? That is the problem that we are having right now.

I am perfectly happy with Master in the aspect of lilone and Anna. But the part of myself that I wrote about in the last blog was my submissive side. She is not happy. That part of me is being neglected severely in order to fix everything else. But in my opinion that isn’t fixing anything at all. I think in order to fix myself I have to be all three at the same time, that way nothing becomes neglected. Everything would be balanced the way it should be. No working on this part or that part. When He does that, He is stretching me so thin that I am about to break. I’m not so sure He knows just how close to my breaking point I am.

A part of a song really spoke to me, surprisingly so because I don’t like the singer/band.
Lady Antebellum : American Honey

“Trying to be everything at once will make you crazy…”

This is exactly true. Although it battles with Master’s theory that we are a  being I still feel that both are correct. Even though we are a three-pronged being, we can do all three at the same time. Everyone has multiple parts of their personality that makes them who they are. If you just concentrate on one of them you find yourself being more and more unhappy because all your needs aren’t being fixed or met. That is the true problem with Master’s theory; Although it is a very good one and I agree with it to a certain point, but the problem with it is that you are now able to pick and choose who you are at that particular moment instead of being yourself completely. But than again it also helps you. Now you can pick when to be submissive, when to be more playful or when to just stick to the task at hand and get it done then worry about other things. Which is also a very good thing unless you start to dwell on only one persona. Like the quote above says… Trying to be everything at once will in fact make you crazy and stressed. You will become emotionally unstable just like I myself am right now. *shrugs* Who knows, maybe I am way wrong on this. All I do know is that what we are doing now is in fact NOT working. Hopefully we will find a better system where every part of who I am is taken care of and All the holes will become mended with the tender care of my Master.

On a different note… I think this new “Pilot Program” that Master is now on is going to work perfectly. I have a really good feeling about it. His new FM (Fleet Manager) did what Dorris could not do in two weeks in exactly two hours. We have back to back loads. We deliver one in Alabama today in, I’m guessing an hour or two, then tomorrow we pick another one up that goes to Illinois that delivers on monday. It’s extremely boring for me having to drive all day to stay on schedule and be on time for this delivery and the next ones pick up. But it will give us the miles and money that we need to get out of the hole plus some!! YAY! That just means one step closer to finding a house/apartment and then getting His daughter in His custody.

We are at our exit, so I have to help navigate. I will post more when I can
*Scurries off to help Master*

Magic tears and butt-head Masters

Master and I are sitting at the receiver waiting to be unloaded. He woke me up at 8:00 Am because He wanted to get this load delivered early so we might have a chance to get out of Dallas either today or tomorrow. We have been sitting here since Friday. Master much prefers if we get delivered, then get another one coming right back out of the same city. Lately though that hasn’t been happening. In the trucking business more miles equals more money. Lately we haven’t been doing very little miles because either Freight (all your goodies. We deliver anything from rolls of paper that your TP gets made out of, to Bottled water, to supplies for staples) is very slow, or His Fleet Manager is lazy. My guess, since she is a total bitch and hasn’t gotten along with Master since day 1, is she is just lazy and won’t fight to get us a load. I understand it’s not her job to get us the load. Basically she is in charge of payroll and home time… We haven’t had a paycheck decent enough for her to bother for quite a while, and she doesn’t get us home when He puts in for it. So she is rather useless. What she CAN do though, is pester the planners that are in charge of the loads, their destination and so on and so forth. But she wont do that. So this is the second week she has landed our unhappy butts in Dallas. Which takes forever to get out of on an Extremely busy time of the year(christmas). Master finally had enough of her crapola yesterday and went around her like He is wont to do. He doesn’t like taking orders from anyone. Especially her. So He called up someone else and got this local in hopes it would put us in a better position to get out of here. I really hope it works. There’s only so much you can take of being stuck in the Dallas Yard when you just want to scream and break free like a loco escaped convict. *giggles* And believe you me I am there!!

Only up side tomorrow, Master starts on this thing called the “Pilot program”. He will officially be off our current Fleet Managers list and on some guy named Marks list. He also gets to go online and pick His own freight. So there’s a very BIG possibility that we will be rolling constantly. As the passenger I can only take so much driving at a time. He is legally allowed to drive 10 hours a day with 4 hours put in for off-duty or non-driving time. Then He HAS to stop wherever we are at and take His 10 hour break. It’s the Federal law for truck drivers. Kinda sucks for me. But I will have to grit my teeth and not complain, because at least with this there’s a possibility of making around 6-8 hundred dollars a week. *SQUEALS EXCITEDLY* This has the potential to be a blessing in disguise. That’s how I have to look at it anyway.

On another note. Master and I have been doing rather well yesterday and today. The other day He was acting like a complete ass until we got back to the truck and He noticed me crying. He of course turned back into His normal caring self and asked me what was wrong. When I explained to Him that His actions today made me feel pathetic and I didn’t know what caused Him to be this way. He apologized right away and we talked for a good 2 hours on how things could be different if he just told me what was wrong when it happened. Mind reader I aint! And we also talked about how He hasn’t been using me to my full capacity lately because He’s afraid that in doing so I will become hurt and start to dislike Him. (He said the “hate” word. But I refuse to say that word in the same sentence with Him. *sticks tongue out at Master*) But when I explained to Him that His holding out hurts worse, because I can’t reach my full potential when He does, I think it sank in finally. Because I am 100% happy to report that, so far, He has done exactly what He said He would. I feel more owned, restricted and submissive. All of which are extremely good things for me. I like it when my Master is rather strict with the rules. That way I know where I can go and can’t go. If that makes any sense to any of you…

What I don’t get is how Master’s can be evil little butt heads one minute, but then they see their property cry or upset and they get all mushy again.. I mean what is up with that?!? Maybe there’s a chemical in tears that makes men revert and repent. If there is then we should Bottle that chemical and ship it off to be mass-produced!! So every woman, daughter, sister, mother, and slave can have a vial of “Tear serum” ready so when they do act all “Grrr.. I’m Master so… GRRR”… You can open that up and slip it into his oh say morning Pepsi. And Presto!!! Instant apology. Or at least sympathy depending on the Man. *shrugs* So there’s a few kinks in the plan… Anyone got a hammer??