Posts Tagged ‘ acceptance ’

The Walls

I have been struggling with how mundane my life is right now. It’s all I seem to think about. With every thing that is going on outside our little bubble of control; you would think what can be controlled would take the center stage. And in my mind that is exactly how it works. My Master doesn’t think like that.

It seems with Him the crazier our life is the farther away He pushes us. Right now we are both stressed, I mean severely stressed. What with accumulating cash to move, His ex-mother-in-law and His DM(driver manager) there is no room for this lifestyle or in-depth discussions about us.

We are polar opposites in this. Life fire and ice trying to live together without destroying everything in the process. It really makes me angry and frustrated because He always says it will be easier. In some ways (like room, time and a way to get toys) yeah I’m sure it will be easier but the stress won’t go away! It will only morph into a different cocktail of unpleasantness.

I have no way to release that pent-up anger and frustration. I can’t clean in a mad frenzy or walk until my lungs want to burst. Other than those two ways I don’t know how to not break. Even the pope himself would snap in my predicament.

Because I’m so angry the thought of a scene is unappetizing to say the least. I’m not in the right mind-set for a quick spanking or slapping. I no longer enjoy giving Him a handjob or blowjob. It’s an instant turn off for me. I know that sounds harsh but I know my Master. Sometimes more than He gives me credit for.

I’m not sure I could accept anything that would make me more vulnerable than I am now. Even without the added vulnerability I have been hurt enough this week. I have been yelled at and snapped at multiple times. Right now I am just to iffy or on edge. I’m afraid I would break…

*****

I just got out of a much needed shower. It was actually relaxing to sit under the hot water while shaving. Usually, showers are more of a chore than or obligation (my Master likes me smooth and hairless everywhere so it takes some time and effort) but today? It actually gave me time to think uninterrupted. Which is rare.

So I was doing my thing and it just came to me! The walls I use to have around my secret place and heart were coming back. I have worked so hard to knock those down and let my Master in. I’ve always been slightly afraid of letting Him in and submitting fully to Him. As you know I am a fairly independent person. (hush in the peanut gallery!) I’ve had to be to survive. I wasn’t sure I could trust Him to lean me in the right direction.

To this day I am really hesitant about that. I am also not a very trusting soul. I know I can trust Him with my life, but can I trust Him with everything else?

Its better than last month and hopefully in another month I will trust Him even more. Every day that goes by with Him fully ensconced in His role and I’m still safe and happy is a step in the right direction. On the flip side of that coin, every time He is just NGT the guy and I’m frustrated its one step backward.

Another thought I had in the shower way maybe a good scene was what I do in fact need! (I know two thoughts! I’m that good! hehe) My mind did a 180 degree spin I know, but hear me out. Doing nothing has messed with my head pretty bad. I’ve had bouts of self-doubt, whether or not I’m good enough to be my Masters’ slut and some of the walls come back to full glory from the rubble.

So perhaps I need to be pushed to my limit and then forced 10-20 steps farther into the unknown and past my safety net. I need to be put in my place then kept there. I know parts I won’t enjoy while others I will love. I need Him to unleash the Sadistic Bastard that lurks inside Him for a couple of days. To get back on track with what I am supposed to be!

Knowing me, I might rebel at first. When I am put back into my place I get a bit huffy and snippy.* After months of no corrections its only natural to resist. But after the initial huffy-ness I settle into the place that makes me love what I do. (mmm m&ms with pretzels inside!!) It just takes me a while to get back to that state of mind. After all patience is a virtue. (looks pointedly at Master)

*Master’s edit: A bit?! A bit snippy my Ass! (yes He did type that)

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Acceptance

Last night my Owner claimed what’s His for His gratification; my body. In my head I understand that is basically my role in this dynamic but deep down I don’t like it.

I tend to invert into myself when He does this (Thank gosh He doesn’t do it often) until it’s over. I hide from the negative feelings that pop their ugly little heads up. Truth be told I’m also hiding from my Master. I have a very hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I am, complementary to my beliefs, a piece of His property. Although an important piece of property.

I enjoy talking about myself as such but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty… I don’t like the activities that make me that. Don’t get me wrong, I love being His slave, bitch and personal slut! I thrive when I am under His control and am more comfortable on the floor by His feet. As I write this I am sitting on the floor while He drives. I don’t mind doing the domestic duties (except making the bed!) because it centers me into my role as slave while it pleases Him.

I just can’t wrap my head around being sexually used as His personal cock sucker, cunt and piece of ass, even though that is a part of what I am. I can say the words and revel in my role when He says them. But the actions? Nuh-uh! I hide from them like a hypocrite.

Master told me, last night during the after-care, that I needed to accept my role as His property. Once I realized by accepting the fact that I not only pleased Him but also gave Him what He needed at the time, I fulfilled my role! He told me I shouldn’t hide from pleasing Him when He needs it most…

It makes sense and I want to be able to do exactly that. And I decided to let you in on the process! I want to succeed in pleasing my Master and molding myself to better please Him. There are a few areas that I need to work on. So, I’m creating a new category for this named Hurdles. In order to succeed I need to write about my thoughts and feelings during this road to a better me. If I ignore the feelings and problem areas I will fail. I know that about me, I have to analyze the situations and deal with them accordingly. And right now, where it counts, I can’t afford to fail!