Posts Tagged ‘ angel ’

Difficult feelings arise

So far today has been quite horrid. Heck, this whole week sucked. For one, we were stuck in a hotel for most of it. The people were nice but we were constantly arguing. Ever since The Bitch did her “class act” we have traveled away from each other mentally and emotionally. I know He feels it or He wouldn’t ask if I loved Him more than usual. We were going forwards at a decent rate. Now however we are going backwards at an ever greater speed!

I feel like my favorite appendage was ripped off. And metaphorically it has. By some crazy circumstance she has (The Bitch) influenced the destruction of my submission and His Dominance! Our relationship has been thrown back on the back burner along with all the S/m, discipline (all bet non-existent) and play time. I figured this would happen eventually but not now, so soon after achieving the level we were suppose to be at a year ago. I knew when angel came home our dynamic would disappear or lessen. I wasn’t prepared for it to be so soon.

I wasn’t ready mentally/emotionally for the rip that caused in our unit. Or the feeling of disappointment, abandonment, and being let go in a sense. I don’t feel centered or attached to my budding submission. With out constant reminders, whether their hints or full-blown demands, I start to question my place. I get emotionally distant from Master without the full force of His control. I need things I was just starting to get and others I’m afraid to ask for.

At times like this I wish He was “The Other guy”. The one He hides away. When things go bad He inverts into Himself. He gets quiet and distant. So the polar opposite of myself. When outside issues conspire against me I need to vent my frustration through pain and strenuous activities. When things fall apart outside us (like now) I need one constant. I need us to not only stay the same but get even more intense!

I just don’t know if that’s possible with Him..

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Gibberish/Meaningless

Things have been crazy. The stress has been churning in my stomach. For the last two weeks my life has been turned upside down. Why? Because of outside interference. One minute Master and I are going about our lives as per usual. Then BAM! his ex-Mother-in-law threw a grenade at us. So we cleaned up the mess, found a place and were ready for angel to move in asap. Then she throws another one by retracting things and has decided to fight Him. I don’t think she figured we would take her so quickly so she’s back tracking. It’s so messed up. Now who knows when or what’s going to happen. She’s upset (angel) and we’re upset. But there’s not much we can do now…

… Because we have to go to court so a judge can see we have a place and job…

… All of this isn’t very conducive to play time or ouchies. Even if its needed to calm my nerves. I understand why it’s not possible, but I just hope He reverts back to Master soon.

Stress and curve balls

“Nebraska”

Pros

*Land, animal, immediate yes, ride/backup plan, cheap living, warm weather but not to hot, close-ish to a big city, cheap rent: $300, close to Denver?, us under one roof!

Cons

*grandmother, alcoholics, drugs, Uncle B, jobless, income tax, cold weather in the winter!, small town, no open lifestyle/kink, Lack of privacy.

Maybes

* Family for Angel that want her!

 

This has been a lot to process in a short time. The Bitch (Angels grandmother on her mother’s side) wants angel out and K (Masters oldest Daughter) won’t take her. We have to come up with something quick for a living arrangement. I have to look at this as an opportunity to shine. If I don’t I will go crazy. My stomach is churning because I don’t know whats going to happen. I just have to do well with what I’m given. Even if it isn’t much or how I wanted it. For the beginning of this new family I’m willing to put aside personal feelings and look out for the whole. I don’t want to move back with my grandmother but temporarily it might be needed to get the three of us under one roof. That’s the main thing I’m looking at right now!