Posts Tagged ‘ anger ’

The Walls

I have been struggling with how mundane my life is right now. It’s all I seem to think about. With every thing that is going on outside our little bubble of control; you would think what can be controlled would take the center stage. And in my mind that is exactly how it works. My Master doesn’t think like that.

It seems with Him the crazier our life is the farther away He pushes us. Right now we are both stressed, I mean severely stressed. What with accumulating cash to move, His ex-mother-in-law and His DM(driver manager) there is no room for this lifestyle or in-depth discussions about us.

We are polar opposites in this. Life fire and ice trying to live together without destroying everything in the process. It really makes me angry and frustrated because He always says it will be easier. In some ways (like room, time and a way to get toys) yeah I’m sure it will be easier but the stress won’t go away! It will only morph into a different cocktail of unpleasantness.

I have no way to release that pent-up anger and frustration. I can’t clean in a mad frenzy or walk until my lungs want to burst. Other than those two ways I don’t know how to not break. Even the pope himself would snap in my predicament.

Because I’m so angry the thought of a scene is unappetizing to say the least. I’m not in the right mind-set for a quick spanking or slapping. I no longer enjoy giving Him a handjob or blowjob. It’s an instant turn off for me. I know that sounds harsh but I know my Master. Sometimes more than He gives me credit for.

I’m not sure I could accept anything that would make me more vulnerable than I am now. Even without the added vulnerability I have been hurt enough this week. I have been yelled at and snapped at multiple times. Right now I am just to iffy or on edge. I’m afraid I would break…

*****

I just got out of a much needed shower. It was actually relaxing to sit under the hot water while shaving. Usually, showers are more of a chore than or obligation (my Master likes me smooth and hairless everywhere so it takes some time and effort) but today? It actually gave me time to think uninterrupted. Which is rare.

So I was doing my thing and it just came to me! The walls I use to have around my secret place and heart were coming back. I have worked so hard to knock those down and let my Master in. I’ve always been slightly afraid of letting Him in and submitting fully to Him. As you know I am a fairly independent person. (hush in the peanut gallery!) I’ve had to be to survive. I wasn’t sure I could trust Him to lean me in the right direction.

To this day I am really hesitant about that. I am also not a very trusting soul. I know I can trust Him with my life, but can I trust Him with everything else?

Its better than last month and hopefully in another month I will trust Him even more. Every day that goes by with Him fully ensconced in His role and I’m still safe and happy is a step in the right direction. On the flip side of that coin, every time He is just NGT the guy and I’m frustrated its one step backward.

Another thought I had in the shower way maybe a good scene was what I do in fact need! (I know two thoughts! I’m that good! hehe) My mind did a 180 degree spin I know, but hear me out. Doing nothing has messed with my head pretty bad. I’ve had bouts of self-doubt, whether or not I’m good enough to be my Masters’ slut and some of the walls come back to full glory from the rubble.

So perhaps I need to be pushed to my limit and then forced 10-20 steps farther into the unknown and past my safety net. I need to be put in my place then kept there. I know parts I won’t enjoy while others I will love. I need Him to unleash the Sadistic Bastard that lurks inside Him for a couple of days. To get back on track with what I am supposed to be!

Knowing me, I might rebel at first. When I am put back into my place I get a bit huffy and snippy.* After months of no corrections its only natural to resist. But after the initial huffy-ness I settle into the place that makes me love what I do. (mmm m&ms with pretzels inside!!) It just takes me a while to get back to that state of mind. After all patience is a virtue. (looks pointedly at Master)

*Master’s edit: A bit?! A bit snippy my Ass! (yes He did type that)

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Pictures:2

As I wrote yesterday I had a spontaneous burst of erotic picture-taking. The whole experience was fun and kind of kinky. I was so heated I asked to play. His response “yep ya can.” Then “you can play now and later hehe.” I was uber excited. Two play times in 1 day? How did I get so lucky, right?

Wrong.

Remember its Ngt we are speaking of. The man who will say one thing and do the complete opposite. So earlier in the day I was told I would be tied and blind folded. I was again in a jittery state of anticipation.

I told Him the day before that just playing with a toy/finger is unfulfilling and leaves me empty or hollow. Plus I hadn’t cum in two months when He came the last week. When we came to the truck I got all but naked in my eagerness. Turns out it wasn’t needed.

All that was done was me giving Him a quick tug until He came. I don’t like doing that because my hand gets sticky and I don’t like the taste of His cum. I don’t like blow jobs or wads of semen.

So my new upper body harness wasn’t used. (I threw it out the next day) I didn’t get touched and I was never tied up or blind folded. So once again I feel degraded, used, empty, unfulfilled and disappointed. But whats new??

I’ve also realized something. I don’t have to bend over awkwardly to shave my cunt anymore. I will trim it because a full bush is nasty. But I’m the only one to see it, so why bother? It’s not like He uses it enough to notice!

Poison

I’m sorry for the long wait in posts. I know from first hand how frustrating that can be! You never really know how demanding outside interferences can be until you have some of your own. And Boy, do I have them! It seems like all I have these days.

As I write this I am probably forfeiting any chance of some ouchies or some sex. The odds were against me so don’t feel bad. It’s the story of my life right now.

Work has been pretty demanding as of late and as you all know it affects Him in a certain light. Pretty much suppresses that side of Him I rarely see; The Sadistic Master. So the change I talked about the 21st hasn’t exactly happened. It was just that one time deal. And I guess that’s ok to Him. At first I was so angry, not at Him this time but at myself. I let the pretty words get inside my head where they took root and started to spread hope.

For me that’s nothing but a four letter word. A poison, if you will. Not the instant death kind, but the corrosive kind. It eats away at my sanity one day at a time. Until nothing but bitterness exists. Clearly not at all healthy! I know this in my brian but my heart is a step or six behind.. So I get angry. This time I couldn’t get angry at Him. It was all on me.

I knew in the very deep and well hidden areas of both heart and brain that it wouldn’t happen/last. That it was the same talk different words but still I let the hope spread. It took me a while to get over it. My anger turned to being ashamed of myself for not listening to that part of me. You know, the whole “Fool me once” saying…

It took me the better part of the 5 days to get into a healthier mindset. I’m still not happy, I’m just not beating myself up over it. One day I’m sure I will adjust to a life with very little sex or kink… Mostly I regret the lack of control…

I’m tired so I’m going to bed.