Posts Tagged ‘ change ’

Growing in my place

I have been browsing along two websites looking for new gear and toys. Our toy collection is still really bare, but now that we have the space and storage that might change. I found a couple of good quality floggers and a bamboo cane that hopefuly (crosses fingers) will leave plenty of marks on my hard-to-mark tushy.

There was also a sensory deprivation hood that I am drooling over! Its black leather and has a gas mask/pump that I would breath through. The cool thing is Master can control how well I can breath. So many fantacies would be answered with just that piece. There is extra padding around the ears, eyes and mouth. Its not quite sound proof but it muffles the noise so I wouldn’t know where Master was or what He was saying.

I’ve dreamt about having Master control everything in a scene for a while but sufice it to say, a pillow or His hand isn’t extreme enough now. Our play has evolved from the beginner level to the more advanced toys and play.

My limits aren’t the same as they were a year ago. I want to have my body and face completely inclosed. I want to be Master’s foot stool or any other piece of furnature He chooses for me. I will do what ever He wishes of me. Although the cumming on my face still creaps me out. So that is still a big fat No!

This step in our dynamic is long in coming but now that it is here I feel excitement and nervousness all in one ball. I guess that is natural, to be a little nervous of the unknown?

At least thats how I’m going to see it. It is my blog after all ūüôā

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Poison

I’m sorry for the long wait in posts. I know from first hand how frustrating that can be! You never really know how demanding outside interferences can be until you have some of your own. And Boy, do I have them! It seems like all I have these days.

As I write this I am probably forfeiting any chance of some ouchies or some sex. The odds were against me so don’t feel bad. It’s the story of my life right now.

Work has been pretty demanding as of late and as you all know it affects Him in a certain light. Pretty much suppresses that side of Him I rarely see; The Sadistic Master. So the change I talked about the 21st hasn’t exactly happened. It was just that one time deal. And I guess that’s ok to Him. At first I was so angry, not at Him this time but at myself. I let the pretty words get inside my head where they took root and started to spread hope.

For me that’s nothing but a four letter word. A poison, if you will. Not the instant death kind, but the corrosive kind. It eats away at my sanity one day at a time. Until nothing but bitterness exists. Clearly not at all healthy! I know this in my brian but my heart is a step or six behind.. So I get angry. This time I couldn’t get angry at Him. It was all on me.

I knew in the very deep and well hidden areas of both heart and brain that it wouldn’t happen/last. That it was the same talk different words but still I let the hope spread. It took me a while to get over it. My anger turned to being ashamed of myself for not listening to that part of me. You know, the whole “Fool me once” saying…

It took me the better part of the 5 days to get into a healthier mindset. I’m still not happy, I’m just not beating myself up over it. One day I’m sure I will adjust to a life with very little sex or kink… Mostly I regret the lack of control…

I’m tired so I’m going to bed.

Scared

I have been in a funk all day. I can’t seem to do anything right. I accidentally double posted a comment. I hit “publish” to soon and Master wanted to comment. Needless to say the writer¬†got rather snippy at a common mistake, so I won’t be reading the blog any longer. My little way of saying, “Fuck you pall!”

The more I evaluate why I’m like this the more upset I become. I¬†know its only been 3 days, give or take, since Master said He would test me. I know change takes time. At least my head knows that. My heart however just knows nothing happened last night. And I’m scared. I don’t want how He treated me that day to stop. I need desperately what He started!

He has said things to this effect before and for a time things are always fantastic. I’m happy and content and I think He’s happy and content… And then He withdraws, then I’m left wanting/begging and unfulfilled.

I enjoyed the feeling of being exactly who/what I’m suppose to be. I was centered around my submission to my Master. I actually wanted¬†to do what I was told in that moment. I wanted to be used in any way by Him. I would have willingly crawled outside if He asked it. And that scares me to, but I still want to feel that way again.. and again… and again… and again… and again!!

Extreme Revelations

Last night was absolutely amazing! It started with a declaration and resolution from Master. When I told Him how I felt about the very little kink in our life and I thought it was a bit lacking, He really thought about things. He asked me what I wanted for myself and from Him. I, of course, was at this point brutally honest by stating, I want a Sadistic Master not a Boyfriend/Husband.

I was told that He would be testing me. He would find out just what I want and need; How much I can take and how much He can give! It could be a process that lasts a week to several months. I just had to mention that I’ve heart a variation of this before and like all the other times I wasn’t expecting it to last. I’m lucky He gets and understands my reservations, because I have heard all this (or a form there of) before. I’m not saying it will fail, because the first week or two are great. All but perfect. I’m just saying its a greater probability/possibility it won’t last past that.

Master and I had one of our best scenes yet! Nothing to sexual as in no one orgasmed.. But I was thoroughly¬†abused. The sides of my tits are nothing but bruises. I’m sore in places I forgot I had. I teared up but He didn’t¬†stop. He took my breath away quite literally. He had me on all fours forcing me to suck His cock while He smacked my ass and back. I was even reprimanded at one point! ūüôā I have to say it feels wonderful that He is back on.

For once I can’t wait until tomorrow!

I’m exhausted so to bed I go.. Snuggles! *Squeels!*

Donkey

All day when I go into the store people are looking at me even more openly than usual. It’s probably¬†because I have a mini Donkey strapped to my hip! Master won it the other day out of some game. And me being me, I kept it and absolutely love it! He’s very adorable. I know it’s probably¬†childish to still like/have stuffed animals and I really don’t care. I want the Farting Hippo that Abbey has on NCIS. It’s also probably childish to watch Tom and Jerry, huh? Ah well then I’m childish! (Just once I want poor Tom to win.. Just once!)

Master told me today He would like me to paint the BD/SM symbol on my nails. But the only color I have is Black so I have to get gold/red next time We go to Wal-Mart. Then I told Him I wanted the symbol tattooed on the skin between my thumb and first finger on my left hand. I think He forgot about that.

I’m trying to make a deal with Him for more tats than the 4 previously accepted. I am into Body Modification through both piercings¬†and tattoos. Unfortunately all I have is my tongue pierced.¬†I use to have my nose pierced¬†but it fell out while I was sleeping a couple of years back and closed. (Shut it, no laughing!) Master doesn’t like nose piercings¬†so I can’t¬†get it redone. ūüė¶ He’s also really hesitant¬†about me getting my nips and clit¬†hood done. I really want those but it’s not looking good though. So to scratch the itch, I think I should be allowed to more tattoos or one big one to compensate. ūüôā Think it will fly?? Seems reasonable to me.. But what do I know about the inner workings of a Doms Brain?

Last night I asked Him how much responsibility He wanted. In essence¬†if he wanted to be a Top, Dom or Master. I was hoping after a lot of searching¬†He would realize as of late He’s been more of a Top with Dom tendencies. Then maybe want to change. But of course He didn’t see any of that. He said He wanted to stay where He was, my Master/Owner. If He thinks that is where we are at I fear for us because I don’t see it. A Master wouldn’t neglect the needs of His girl and most importantly Himself. And He certainly wouldn’t put up with the things Ngt does! Maybe I’m wrong on that. Doubt it but its possible.

I hate to say it (again) but I won’t believe Him until its out in the open and it’s actually visible. Not just words this time.

(That’s my Donkey in the top right hand corner ^_^)

New year new me?

Today has been wonderful. We have been in a Hotel on our home time for the last two days and we’re staying again tonight. *Does the happy dance* We woke up and went to breakfast. It was very yummy and filling. Not as good as Floyd’s though. Oh, yeah ya’ll aren’t from Corpus Christi… Floyd’s Restaurant is a little christian based Dinner that has some of the BEST breakfast around! Their Biscuits are as big as your fist balled up and oh so good! *Mouth waters* Master loves the cobbler there. I, however, being a new patron to Floyd’s haven’t had the cobbler yet. Honestly though, cobbler not my fave. But I’m willing to give it a go.

While eating Master had a great idea to take in our tub-o-change that weighs a tun! So we walked over to Wally-world and dumped the change into the coin counter and waited for the ticket to be spit out. I was really surprised it was as little as it was. I was expected so much more for that kind of weight. It was only around $47. Now we know what that tub will hold. Except its empty and we need change… (*eyes everyone’s pockets* Put it in! Even the pennies!)

Today I have been doing a lot of shifting around on here. I have been doing some thinking over the course of last month.. And have decided not to use Our real names. If Masters or my family ever found out about this side of us, it would be very bad. For Him more than myself. His children already don’t agree with His choice in Girlfriend (which is all I am to them) then you add-on the S/m to it, they would never speak to Him again. I couldn’t bare it if I or my blog was the cause of that. So from this day on I will be blogging under the name Aurora. You can find me on Facebook as Aurora Dawn. But be careful there are a lot of them. I don’t really know why. I guess there’s a lot of all names… Anyway. The reason I picked this particular name is because I am absolutely in love with Greek Mythology. Kind of a geek about it. (No snickering!!) And I just love this name/Goddess. She is the Goddess of the Dawn. Which is perfect because ya know, the dawn is (to me) one of the most beautiful times of day. When everything wakes up and starts to scurry around. The sun rising over the slumbering hills. The mist glistening. *Sighs wistfully*Just gorgeous!

And to tie into that I have changed my email. I will no longer be using the old one and have changed it to Hisforeverslut@yahoo.com! Kind of fitting, no? So if you ever need to ask a question you don’t want to do publicly then just hop on over to your email and type away! I check it regularly and will reply asap! Plus if you are a subscriber I will be sending out group emails to update everyone on any changes taking place..

I’ve been just a busy Bee haven’t I??

The only thing I keep thinking is… Since all of this, does that mean I’m a new person? I use to not care who found this blog. Or what they thought. I still don’t take any stock, good or bad, in the opinions of others. I know that sounds horrible. But if you don’t like me or my writings, then why read them or comment anyway? I’m not going to let anyone’s bad opinion ruin my love of blogging or S/m. Now, however, I do care who finds this… I don’t want to be the cause of ruining anything between families. Plus there are a few people on certain sites that hate Master and I for reasons only known to them.

I guess in certain aspects I have changed the basis of who I am though out the last year. I like to think for the good.

 

(photo by Anne Geddes )

Stress and curve balls

“Nebraska”

Pros

*Land, animal, immediate yes, ride/backup plan, cheap living, warm weather but not to hot, close-ish to a big city, cheap rent: $300, close to Denver?, us under one roof!

Cons

*grandmother, alcoholics, drugs, Uncle B, jobless, income tax, cold weather in the winter!, small town, no open lifestyle/kink, Lack of privacy.

Maybes

* Family for Angel that want her!

 

This has been a lot to process in a short time. The Bitch (Angels grandmother on her mother’s side) wants angel out and K (Masters oldest Daughter) won’t take her. We have to come up with something quick for a living arrangement. I have to look at this as an opportunity to shine. If I don’t I will go crazy. My stomach is churning because I don’t know whats going to happen. I just have to do well with what I’m given. Even if it isn’t much or how I wanted it. For the beginning of this new family I’m willing to put aside personal feelings and look out for the whole. I don’t want to move back with my grandmother but temporarily it might be needed to get the three of us under one roof. That’s the main thing I’m looking at right now!