Posts Tagged ‘ Collar ’

Collared

The first glimpse of me!

After I showered I decided to surprise my Master. I have been thinking a lot about my collar and its generated badness. (I wrote about it here) Well the only way the negative feelings go away is to be positive and wear it, right? (*insert head nodding here*) See I thought so to!

So I put my collar back on and came strutting out of the shower. Man, I totally forgot just how many looks I get when it’s on rather than off. Master told me one time it was because they were trying to figure out what it was/ment. I tend to agree!

I’ve had people comment and ask questions to which I respond with a “It’s personal” or “For sentimental reasons” (which isn’t a lie, just a half truth!) depending how they ask of course! If they are rude, I’m going to be to the point, breaching on rudeness myself, they never like that. Hmmm! I wonder why? *eye rolls*

One guy commented saying “Nice collar. My dog has one but its pink!” I was stunned speechless and so was my Master when I sat down and told Him. I didn’t know what to say! I should have said some awesome fire back about: At least I’m potty trained and leash trained! But I had nuffin! You could hear the pin drop it was so quiet. Next time I WILL be ready though. *Cackles with glee!*

Mercy

“I want to put myself absolutely at your mercy for good or evil without any condition, without any limit to your power.” -Leopold von Sacher-Masoch

I would absolutely love to submit myself to the whims of my Owner in such a complete way. I would be thrilled to wake up and not know what’s going to happen to or around me. If I could submit all things to Him my life would be so simple and to the point.

I don’t know if I can do that though. Ever since I was a little girl I have been taking care of myself. And I have done a good job of it. I’ve always worked and made my own decisions. I’m a rather independent person and that can get in the way of submitting like that. I know what I want when I want it and I know what I need when I need it.

What I don’t know is if He will be that in tune to my wants and needs. If He doesn’t I, once again, am an unfulfilled person. I know what that’s like. I don’t want to go back to being a walking, talking time bomb. I don’t want to be broken!

Plus I’m afraid. I don’t wear my collar right now because it’s symbology has changed. It has become a red-hot beacon of all my disappointments this last year and a half. It symbolises all my neglected needs, lost experiences and sorrow. That particular collar lost its good meaning.

I’m hoping with a new collar I won’t be so afraid of it.

Collar vs. Punishment

… I got my collar back after I was told to vacate the corner this morning. I’ve been waiting to write this in hopes I would feel differently about all of this with it back. But its still heavy with expectations and a since of impending failure. I doubt that’s how I’m suppose to feel about it, I should be grateful. I just have a fear of things going back to “normal”… I know I’m not the best slave, hell I’m worse then mediocre. At least I’m still trying, that ought to count for something.

Apparently walking away when extremely angry and hurt instead of snapping a snide comment is a punishable offense. I just can’t win. Sometimes all I want is to break even, winning isn’t necessary anymore. I don’t know how I’m to be punished or even when. Or if it will happen for that matter. If it does I’m sure I will write about it afterwards.

Will nothing ever change?

Yesterday was somewhat touch and go. I was completely bored and had very little to do.
I tried to start a FetLife account but the silly thing wouldn’t let me.
I will probably have to start that when we get the computer…
Sadly that means a test to my limited supply of patience! The wait is worth it, right??

For the last month or so I’m sad to report that I haven’t been wearing my collar..
After so long of being disappointed in the fact that I wasn’t being used as a slave
should be, I gave it up. It hurt to do it but it had to be done to show Him that I was
serious this time. How many times have I written that He says he will change and
be more strict, yet it never happens? I wish I could say for sure that He will in fact do
it this time but alas I cannot.

I wish I could come to you all and say that I have finally gotten the Master I know
He can be, I wish I could tell you that He is punishing me now, but I can’t. I want to
Post on here all about what He did to me in his sadistic way. But will that day come?
Where you log on and see a happy detailed post of last nights escapades? I don’t know
I have always hoped for that outcome…

Now I’m not so sure that same hope still lingers in my heart or soul. I still call myself a
Slave even with the lack of servitude. Do I still have that right?? Or am I now just another fake?!

Do you have the answers I’m looking for? Because I sure don’t!