Posts Tagged ‘ Depression ’

Protected: Desperation

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Depression and procrastination

I have such a stress induced headache. Have had it for a while. It doesn’t exactly help that the
Guy I’m with is a major procrastinator. Our phone bill is due soon and its a big one. The first ones
Always are. We have the money now yet he decides to go buy things from Walmart instead.
Even though he knows what the stress does to me. Not like he cares but a girl can dream….

If you haven’t figured it out yet I’ll tell you now. For the last two-three months I have been
miserable. Why? Because the man I fell in love with tricked me into his life with pretty words
And false sense of how things were going to be.

We have very little if anything in common anymore. Half the time I ignore what he says because
I just heard the conversation last week! And the other half is about sports, which I hate! Not two
Seconds ago he blew up because I turned down the radio. I use to cry when he yelled because
I cared when he got mad… I don’t cry anymore because I don’t care. Its an everyday occurance to
Be yelled at for one thing or another. Lately its because my view on life is wrong, his words.

We have zero communication! On my part its because I know he will just tell me my idea or
thought or even feelings are stupid or wrong. In my eyes its a waste of time to get him to see any
-ones view or ideas then his own.. When I try to talk with him about things he gets defensive or
Angry. He doesn’t even try to see things from my perspective..

Yesterday I got kind of depressed.. Ok so no kind of about it. I was way down in the dumps and he
didn’t even try to help he just kept pointing out the things that way in the first place..

I guess what I’m saying is I haven’t felt so alone in a long time.. I have no one to talk to. Even if I did
I don’t have any privacy to do that…

We’re going down hill fast and I can’t stop it….. Do I even want to?

Will nothing ever change?

Yesterday was somewhat touch and go. I was completely bored and had very little to do.
I tried to start a FetLife account but the silly thing wouldn’t let me.
I will probably have to start that when we get the computer…
Sadly that means a test to my limited supply of patience! The wait is worth it, right??

For the last month or so I’m sad to report that I haven’t been wearing my collar..
After so long of being disappointed in the fact that I wasn’t being used as a slave
should be, I gave it up. It hurt to do it but it had to be done to show Him that I was
serious this time. How many times have I written that He says he will change and
be more strict, yet it never happens? I wish I could say for sure that He will in fact do
it this time but alas I cannot.

I wish I could come to you all and say that I have finally gotten the Master I know
He can be, I wish I could tell you that He is punishing me now, but I can’t. I want to
Post on here all about what He did to me in his sadistic way. But will that day come?
Where you log on and see a happy detailed post of last nights escapades? I don’t know
I have always hoped for that outcome…

Now I’m not so sure that same hope still lingers in my heart or soul. I still call myself a
Slave even with the lack of servitude. Do I still have that right?? Or am I now just another fake?!

Do you have the answers I’m looking for? Because I sure don’t!