Posts Tagged ‘ Dominance ’

Selflessness

Another problem area of mine is selfless service. I almost always have selfish thoughts raging war inside my head. You know, the “what can I get?” or “what’s in this for me?”… Ok so you might not but stick with me here!

I have probably only served my Master selflessly a hand full of times. Literally, I could count them on one hand. But for self-preservation, I’m not gonna! The times were in the beginning of our relationship.

I know for the last year or so I have become completely blind to the whole point of why we do what we do. Deep down I know it’s about Him and His needs first. Its much easier on paper to admit. Some times though it takes a complete stranger to point out the obvious!

Just because He isn’t using His “Dom” muscles at any given moment it doesn’t give me the right to stop serving Him. I still have to follow the rules. I still have to act as if He was actively pursuing the Domly ways. Even though He is less Domly than I would like, I still have to be the slave He demands.

It’s a very big hurdle of mine. Each time I offer to clean His boots or give Him a rub down (the non-dirty kind, you pervs!) I’m getting better. I just have to constantly guard myself. If I catch myself slipping I must remind myself: I am His to do with as He pleases, it is not my right or privilege to complain or do selfishly. I am not His equal so I shouldn’t think or act like it! I am His slave.

Maybe thinking all of that will help me learn and stay focused.

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The plotting continues

The Curse has arrived! It reared its big painful head this morning at 7am. The only good thing about it coming now is I will be free of it by this weekend. I’m glad I only have a 5-6 day span instead of longer. The trade off is the first day is always the most painful. I had to take 4 extended relief Midol just to make the cramps go by-by! I know Master doesn’t like it when I take so much. But it helps…

I’m also lucky He can show mercy and kindness at this time. I become a ball of over worked nerves and my emotions  go all wonky! I tend to play on the sympathy card for extra snuggles 🙂 (Hey! Once a month never killed anyone!)

So last night a major storm system blew through Dallas. It woke both of us up but us being us we fell back asleep. And I get up this morning, before Master, (*Gloats*) only to see nothing but now and ice! The truck was completely froze over. Dallas isn’t suppose to get this crap! Damn Mother Nature and Her fickle ways. Master deemed it undrivable today. We turned on the local news and I was grateful He said that. On I-35E there was a 10-truck (18 wheelers) pile up and several others all over town. The Delivery people won’t drive in it so you know its bad.

I don’t know what we’re going to do for dinner.

As I write this it’s snowing again! 😦

I showed Master Sephis response to my comment on Facebook. It made Him think about it. I will not give up on getting my nips pierced without a fight! I want it to badly… I think I swayed Him on getting my hair dyed to! Purple and black is my goal. I planted the seeds of indecision, now all I have to do is let them grow. There has to be some form of compromise.

Where there’s a Will… There’s a slave plotting!

Speaking of plotting slaves… Do you remember the blog I just found? Probably not since I mentioned it all of one time. Anyway, I don’t think I like the blog… Or her, at least the side she blogs about. I know it’s still a new blog, but she’s to… Good! All she writes about is how doing things for Him makes her pleased. She writes about His pleasure is her pleasure. I’m not knocking those feelings, god(s) knows I have them at times. But is that it? Is that all she can think of to write about? What about all her other emotions?

There’s more to being a slave/sub/servant than “just” pleasing your Master/Dom/Owner. The connection that binds one to Him/Her is so powerful and unique to each dynamic that more words/feelings are needed to describe it than “He is Master; I am slave”! Even describing feelings certain activities draw out in you need more understanding than the basics. Saying I enjoy making the bed because He likes a well made bed seems wrong because I loathe making the bed. That won’t go away because I’m now a slave…

Basically she sounds Robotic. And that rubs me the wrong way. Ok, maybe not robotic but its the only word that comes to mind. Then you add how she ends her posts with a question to the readers… It’s almost as if she’s playing it safe. I won’t be linking her blog because I stopped reading it myself. I guess I like the blogs that are more honest in their writings.

For me, writing is a way to express myself and my feelings. I have a hard time talking about my problems. Even to Master. I am getting better but it’s not 100%. So what I write is a part of me… Flaws and all. So I look for similar writers. I don’t want to read what you think I might enjoy.

Maybe that’s asking too much..

Resolutions

Welcome to the New Year! Most people are lamenting on the past year. To me this wonderful day means last year is done. Now I must take all the good and bad memories into the future to shape this new and wonderful year! So in light of all of this, I am going to do my new year resolutions here, in my blog.

I tend to do a lot of things differently. To me you have to do your resolutions just so or you will fail. You have to be specific. You can’t just say you want to loose weight. It’s not specific enough and in my experience you’ll fail…

Instead, How much weight do you want to loose? Are you going to exercise, eat right or both? When are you going to put the exercise into your routine?

All of these are contributing factors that will lead to success if done right! So here they are Ladies and Gents!

  1. Once off the truck, I am going to (for starters) insert 20 push ups, 20 sit ups, 20 jumping jacks and 20 leg ups into my morning routine. After coffee of course! My goal is to loose 75 lbs throughout the year of 2011.
  2. While still on the truck, I am going to kneel next to my Master more while He drives. It will help establish my submission even when He is driving… Since He is always driving!
  3. Through small steps, I am going to change the way I view service. I want to broaden the sense of the word to include mundane house hold chores. Such as getting His Pepsi, cleaning His boots and rubbing His back.
  4. This one ties in with number 3 but like I said specific. I want to start giving Master a back massage, on my own with no command or order from Him, at least three times a week.
  5. I’m going to try to let Him be in control. I won’t fight or pull away when He grazes my nipples in public in a very public manner. After all I am His slut, to use as He sees fit. Not how I see fit.
  6. After my morning ritual (on the truck) is complete and we are going down the Highway, I am going to meditate for 20 minutes every morning… No exceptions! I’m hoping this will also help me with my submission/control problems in 2011.