Posts Tagged ‘ family ’

Trust

Almost every blog you read, every information site and self-help books all mention one pinpoint in the foundation of a D/s or S/m dynamic that everything else balances on. Trust.

I couldn’t agree more!

Only issue is my foundation is cracked and has tons of problems. My whole like, albeit a short time, I could trust two people, Just two. Friends turned at the first hint of abnormally. My family put me down, abused me at the first sign of trouble. I was moved from home to home by the “adults” who “knew best”. Now the two I thought would be with me forever are gone.

My grandpa, who was the best man ever, passed away from cancer. He prolonged his life by 12+ years from the day his doctors said he had 6+ months left. Knowing that makes the loss… less horrible. I could tell him anything and no matter his own beliefs he would listen and help.

Then my twin brother just up and leaves for the man I call Our sperm donors father, a.k.a our paternal grandad. He wont respond to emails or IM’s. No one has his phone number. Scratch that. His flavor of the month, Fox probably does. When I found out she wasn’t who she said she was I stopped talking to her.

Any who. Let’s not get into that Bag O’worms.

So needless to say I’m a bit rusty on trusting people. I love my Master with a frenzy and passion I can’t/don’t want to control. I am just scared to let Him in that far. Over the years I have been working on it. It’s just not at the level I want. I trust Him to know when to stop while playing. I trust Him to make the right choices for our family. I just don’t trust Him to not cheat or leave me like everyone else.

I know that’s wharped. I can trust Him not to drown me or beat me raw, but I can’t trust Him to stay and not take away my reasons to better myself.

The test is when I’m not on the truck with Him. I will be left home while He works. I’m going to be scared He won’t come back but every time He does, I will trust Him that much more.

And that my fellow pervs and lurkers is why I must work on Trust right along with Acceptance and Selflessness. Which I will write more on later.

New year new me?

Today has been wonderful. We have been in a Hotel on our home time for the last two days and we’re staying again tonight. *Does the happy dance* We woke up and went to breakfast. It was very yummy and filling. Not as good as Floyd’s though. Oh, yeah ya’ll aren’t from Corpus Christi… Floyd’s Restaurant is a little christian based Dinner that has some of the BEST breakfast around! Their Biscuits are as big as your fist balled up and oh so good! *Mouth waters* Master loves the cobbler there. I, however, being a new patron to Floyd’s haven’t had the cobbler yet. Honestly though, cobbler not my fave. But I’m willing to give it a go.

While eating Master had a great idea to take in our tub-o-change that weighs a tun! So we walked over to Wally-world and dumped the change into the coin counter and waited for the ticket to be spit out. I was really surprised it was as little as it was. I was expected so much more for that kind of weight. It was only around $47. Now we know what that tub will hold. Except its empty and we need change… (*eyes everyone’s pockets* Put it in! Even the pennies!)

Today I have been doing a lot of shifting around on here. I have been doing some thinking over the course of last month.. And have decided not to use Our real names. If Masters or my family ever found out about this side of us, it would be very bad. For Him more than myself. His children already don’t agree with His choice in Girlfriend (which is all I am to them) then you add-on the S/m to it, they would never speak to Him again. I couldn’t bare it if I or my blog was the cause of that. So from this day on I will be blogging under the name Aurora. You can find me on Facebook as Aurora Dawn. But be careful there are a lot of them. I don’t really know why. I guess there’s a lot of all names… Anyway. The reason I picked this particular name is because I am absolutely in love with Greek Mythology. Kind of a geek about it. (No snickering!!) And I just love this name/Goddess. She is the Goddess of the Dawn. Which is perfect because ya know, the dawn is (to me) one of the most beautiful times of day. When everything wakes up and starts to scurry around. The sun rising over the slumbering hills. The mist glistening. *Sighs wistfully*Just gorgeous!

And to tie into that I have changed my email. I will no longer be using the old one and have changed it to Hisforeverslut@yahoo.com! Kind of fitting, no? So if you ever need to ask a question you don’t want to do publicly then just hop on over to your email and type away! I check it regularly and will reply asap! Plus if you are a subscriber I will be sending out group emails to update everyone on any changes taking place..

I’ve been just a busy Bee haven’t I??

The only thing I keep thinking is… Since all of this, does that mean I’m a new person? I use to not care who found this blog. Or what they thought. I still don’t take any stock, good or bad, in the opinions of others. I know that sounds horrible. But if you don’t like me or my writings, then why read them or comment anyway? I’m not going to let anyone’s bad opinion ruin my love of blogging or S/m. Now, however, I do care who finds this… I don’t want to be the cause of ruining anything between families. Plus there are a few people on certain sites that hate Master and I for reasons only known to them.

I guess in certain aspects I have changed the basis of who I am though out the last year. I like to think for the good.

 

(photo by Anne Geddes )

Turn off switches

I’m going to do another journal prompt. Let’s see what it randomly kicks up…

“When you’re in a submissive state, are there things that specifically turn you off?”- part one

Hmmm. Another goodie. I’m going to break it into two parts since it’s actually two questions.

There are actually a couple of things that will get me out of a slave mindset. The most affective one that Master does is direct His anger or disappointment at me. In other words when He snaps for (to me) no reason. It puts me on the defensive very quickly and my submission will change to rebellion. It’s why I, intentionally, *cough* snap back. Deep down I know snapping back won’t solve a dang thing, but in that split second I just don’t care.

The second thing (or in case people) that gets me out of my slave mindset, is my family. Every time I talk to my mother she mentions things that cut to the bone. So the emotional and mental scars Master is in the process of helping me mend, break open and start to ooze. When this happens I revert to my old pre-Master ways and crawl into my safe place inside my head. It’s why I don’t call much anymore. And she just cant figure out why. Hmmmm.

“When you are feeling particularly submissive, are there things that will put you straight back into neutral?”- part two

So far I have only found one thing that successfully does this. That would be rejection in the purest form. I know Master doesn’t know exactly what rejection, especially His, does to me. (well He does now! *evil glare*) When He says He’s to tired or frustrated or stressed to give me even the most simple and basic of spankings, it hurts. It feels like He is not just rejecting me, but my gift of submission as well. So my instincts shut that part of myself down. Not just that day, but days even weeks afterwords!

I don’t ask for much. My requests are simple. So when I beg, why must I still be rejected? I don’t really know that one.

Stress and curve balls

“Nebraska”

Pros

*Land, animal, immediate yes, ride/backup plan, cheap living, warm weather but not to hot, close-ish to a big city, cheap rent: $300, close to Denver?, us under one roof!

Cons

*grandmother, alcoholics, drugs, Uncle B, jobless, income tax, cold weather in the winter!, small town, no open lifestyle/kink, Lack of privacy.

Maybes

* Family for Angel that want her!

 

This has been a lot to process in a short time. The Bitch (Angels grandmother on her mother’s side) wants angel out and K (Masters oldest Daughter) won’t take her. We have to come up with something quick for a living arrangement. I have to look at this as an opportunity to shine. If I don’t I will go crazy. My stomach is churning because I don’t know whats going to happen. I just have to do well with what I’m given. Even if it isn’t much or how I wanted it. For the beginning of this new family I’m willing to put aside personal feelings and look out for the whole. I don’t want to move back with my grandmother but temporarily it might be needed to get the three of us under one roof. That’s the main thing I’m looking at right now!

The meeting: Part 2

Well… Where to start?

In the 1 day we were with W and R a lot has happened. Our world was pretty well turned upside down. But I will get to that in a bit.

These two people are not the evil monster’s that would judge me by first look like I created inside my imagination. I had nothing to worry about like Master had told me. They were so nice and understanding… and accepting! They didn’t even bat an eye-lash when I told them my age. Yes, I was the one to admit it. For the first time since I have been with Master I was comfortable enough to say out loud my age and that Master and I have a 30 yr+ age difference. They made me feel like one of them. W is a classic southern gentleman. The picture is complete with the pick-up truck and snuff. He was such a darling. R was the nicest lady I have met in a long time. She was so welcoming and really nice. But she has the air about her, that if you cross her you will be very. very. very sorry. They took Master and I to the Kings’ Inn in Rivera Texas. (I think that’s how you spell it, if not sorry Texans’.) The menu is by the pound so they ordered. It was nice for Master. He didn’t have to make any decisions what-so-ever. He just got to sit back and relax and enjoy good food without worrying about how much it would cost. W ordered 2 platters of jumbo shrimp, an avocado salad, onion rings, fries and fried oysters. My goodness that was the biggest spread I have seen on one table in years! The avocados were like butter. They were mouth-watering. The Jumbo shrimp was the size of golf balls with tails. I have never in my life witnessed a shrimp that big. Even the jumbo’s! The oysters were even good. Master tried one and was pleasantly surprised.

While we were eating W and R were hounding Master about this truck and the business. They really care about Him and want Him happy. They gave Master some really good advice. These people wont sugar coat anything. They will tell you what they think, how they think it especially when they happen to be correct. This time I agreed with them 100%. They told Master that He will never be making money with this truck. This industry is only going to get worse. The fuel prices are going to get higher and the rates are going to get lower. There is no getting ahead of what we are in the hole. We have been at it for one year in august and we are still in the hole, now $2000. W told Master about his job at the Prison as a Prison guard. They work four days on four off for full-time. They get $1400 a month with full benefits. The houses they live in are rentals and all they pay for is rent, water, phone and cable. The rent comes out to $750 a month. R offered us a place to stay until we get a place as long as Master is going to the academy (training for the Prison) and when we can afford to leave, we do. W didn’t know R was going to do that. He was very surprised. That just shows how much these people love my Master. They are more family then His sister-in-law and own daughter!

Master has decided to take them up on their offer. So on Tuesday Master is going to call His FM and give His 2-weeks notice! It has to be Tuesday because of memorial weekend. They won’t be in on Monday. Master is finally giving this truck back. We will be getting a steady pay-check. Master will be able to go to the doctors and I will get my house. Right now I could not be happier. I only have to deal with this truck for two maybe three more weeks then I’m home free… Literally. Master and I were hoping this meeting would turn into a great opportunity. If R and W had it their way Master would have just walked away from the truck then and there. But Master has never just walked away from a job and I am very proud of Him for not doing it now. 🙂

We are now driving to San Antonio under a load going to Loudon Tennessee. I’m getting tired after the good meal we had today. Today it was the sirloin Steak-house. My Idea and Master’s favorite. 🙂 It was a surprise to Him.

I’m gonna check my email and just enjoy the ride.