Posts Tagged ‘ fear ’


I have been in a funk all day. I can’t seem to do anything right. I accidentally double posted a comment. I hit “publish” to soon and Master wanted to comment. Needless to say the writer got rather snippy at a common mistake, so I won’t be reading the blog any longer. My little way of saying, “Fuck you pall!”

The more I evaluate why I’m like this the more upset I become. I know its only been 3 days, give or take, since Master said He would test me. I know change takes time. At least my head knows that. My heart however just knows nothing happened last night. And I’m scared. I don’t want how He treated me that day to stop. I need desperately what He started!

He has said things to this effect before and for a time things are always fantastic. I’m happy and content and I think He’s happy and content… And then He withdraws, then I’m left wanting/begging and unfulfilled.

I enjoyed the feeling of being exactly who/what I’m suppose to be. I was centered around my submission to my Master. I actually wanted to do what I was told in that moment. I wanted to be used in any way by Him. I would have willingly crawled outside if He asked it. And that scares me to, but I still want to feel that way again.. and again… and again… and again… and again!!


Surrender: Day 4-5

How could her life be so altered in just a few days? How long will this continue, until she had nothing left? These questions plagued her. She didn’t know how long she had been here. All she knew was that she wasn’t the girl that was taken and brought here…

She didn’t know what to do or how to act after what she caused Tanya to endure. “I hope she will forgive me.” she whispered. Her spirit was shredded into little pieces. Her thoughts kept wandering back to Him. She actually wanted Him to show up and use her. Maybe if she was exhausted or surfing on the pain she could cope better.

Over the course of the day her feelings for Him became so overwhelming she broke down into sobs a couple of times, due to the ache of His absence caused her.. She really was His!

Panic grabbed at her when her breakfast and dinner were brought to her then taken away with no sign of His returning to her. How could she survive with out His visits?? What was she to do. Tears welled up at the thought of her Sir never returning. Did she do something wrong again that she didn’t know about? Was this a test to see her response of being ignored? Impossible, she thought as she started to pace the length of the room. He wasn’t going to show up today…

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Surrender: Day 5

Stiff muscles cramp up waking seven where she collapsed the day before. The cold concrete made her shiver and goosebumps crawl up her spine. Stumbling to the bed, she curls into a ball as silent sobs wrack her body… He never showed up. Her heart wept for His touch, His smell and warmth. Why didn’t He come?

Quietly he slipped into the chamber and found her sobbing. “Well, this is progress. She’s ready for the next step.” he thought as he crossed to her and scooped her up into his arms. A gasp comes to his ears as she snuggles into his warmth. “Yes, she’s ready.”

Tears of a new kind started to fall, soaking His shirt. He came! Her Sir still wanted her! Sorrow was replaced with such pure joy she thought she might explode. She hugged Him as tight as she could, breathing in the scent of Him. “I missed you Sir!” she told Him carefully avoiding His eyes.

“That’s good. It means your becoming mine more fully every day.” his voice was a balm to her frayed spirit. “I have something for you, but to get it you have to kneel in front of me.”

Reluctantly she slipped from His lap and knelt in front of Him, eyes watching Him eagerly. “What is it Sir?” She was all but bouncing out of her skin in excitement. He lifted the leather collar out of His pocket and handed it to her. It was smooth to the touch and had a bit of weight to it. There was a silver O-ring in the front and a small padlock in the back. What made her uneasy were the words ‘slut‘ written on it. She looked up at Him with curiosity and uncertainty, “What’s that for Sir?”

“It’s one of my markings designed to show what you are. And who you belong to. The others will be done soon.” he took it from her, unlocked it and secured it around her slender neck. “Are you ready for the other mark you get today?”

Gulping at the sudden nerves she nods her head. She was glad He wanted the world to know she was His but she didn’t like knowing what she was too.

“Turn around.” He commands as he pulls the blindfold and cuffs from his pocket. The swatch of fabric is tied firmly so she can’t see. Moving in front of her he clasps her wrists in the cold metal cuffs. Grabbing her arm, he tows her out of the chamber and down the hall into  a different room. He lifts her onto a gurney and straps her down.

The blindfold comes off. She squints at the sudden light until her eyes adjust. She sees two other people in this new room. Her nakedness turning into vulnerability. Her eyes dart to Him as He talks to them in a low voice then stands back and says, “These gents are to pierce your nipples. Try not to move.” He stands over her relishing in her panic. Nodding his approval as they mark her nipples, they had to be perfect. Once even and straight, they grab what looks like tweezers and clamp them onto each nipple painfully. Tears sting her eyes as the needles pierce her sensitive nubs at the same time. She crys out as they put the hoops in and wipe them with disinfectant. Pride swells up in his chest at her courage.

One of them men comes back towards her with a small torch. Her panic is plain in her eyes as she ties to struggle a plea for help rises to his ears. “Please, Sir, help me… Nononono what are you doing?”

“Stop wiggling Slut! I’m going to close the hoops perminately and if you wiggle even a little you’ll feel it on your tits!” the mans voice was gruff. Her heart was racing but she layed still. Perminate! As in never coming out. She wept with in fresh torrents.

The second man hands her Sir the bottle of disinfectant and says, “Make her clean them with this twice a day for three months or so. Try not to play with them until they heal.” He smiles and thanks them both. He looks her over triumphantly and kisses her forehead.

“You did very well girl. Wear them with pride!”

A sloppy smile touches her lips as she floats off into the current of pain…