Posts Tagged ‘ frustration ’

Normal vs Slave

From a vanilla stand point this weekend has been great. We got a lot accomplished. We paid the bill, got my I.D and did the laundry. Master even got His CDL renewed. I didn’t get my nails done but we watched 3 good movies. He doesn’t want me to get a manicure so I probably won’t be able to. Which really Stinks!!

We have a load going to Houston tomorrow. Our home time is over. Which bites big time. We had all this space at our disposal and never used it in a non-vanilla way. I’ve even mentioned water play. But all He wanted to do was watch TV and relax. I don’t know why I bother packing the clothes pins or candle. They are hardly if ever used. I’m actually afraid to get other toys. I don’t know if they will be used. I got a very small bad spanking that lasted five minutes.

So from a slave stand point this weekend blew. I had pictured something else when He said He had plans for this weekend. Something better, more intense since He won’t do anything in the truck. I doubt He realizes that. Heck, He might. I don’t want to hear Him complain about not having space then waste it when He has it. Nothing goes right! I cant remember the last scene that lasted longer than 45 minutes. I’m not sure how to ask with out rejection anymore. I would kneel and offer His belt but He wouldn’t take it and use it. Maybe next time we get a hotel… In a month or more 😦

Secrecy is a B**ch!

Every time I go onto facebook I’m at a loss as to what to put as my status. We have a lot of normal friends and family on it so I can’t be 100% truthful. I have to stop myself from writing things like “Waiting until the promise of pain is a reality” or “My butt still aches after that erotic spanking”… I gotta say all this secrecy sucks major. When I can’t talk to others about scenes or punishments it feels like I’m hiding something. Kind of like I’m ashamed of who I am or who I’m with and that’s the farthest from the truth! A lot of people stare at Master and I because of the vast age difference. It use to really bother me. I know we are doing something that most would call “taboo” but it doesn’t give them the right to openly stare. Some people don’t try to hide the fact that they are talking about us. After over a year and a half of that I finally got to the point where I just don’t care anymore. I’m more comfortable in my skin and as Masters slave that I no longer care. Go ahead and stare! Plus it
doesn’t help that I wear a black 1″ collar with a D-ring in the front 24/7 again. Add to it that I’m always a step behind Master while we walk and have to wait to eat my food until he takes a bite of his meal and if its a buffet that applies to each plate. I guess if the situations were reversed I would look and wonder WTF too.

Its just so tiresome to keep up the charade all the time. Sometimes I wish we could act like ourselves in public out here then act normal at home. I’m not sure how that would work out since we represent the company he works for. If the drivers act “different” what would that say about the company that hired them?? But at the truck stop I see no real reason to hide. That’s how we met Sir C and by extension his girl wolfy. He saw my collar and commented. Master and Sir C talked for a good long while.. I know once I get my I.D Master said we would be carrying what we do outside the truck at night. Probably behind the trailer. But encase someone stumbles on us the I.D is a must to prove I’m of age and consenting. Its why we made the contract. To symbolize our commitment but also as a fall back of an oops moment! I’ve always liked the idea of public humiliation, just have to find a way to do it out here without causing trouble!

Oh the dilemma continues… 😦

Details people!

My morning routine has been disturbed! For months now I have been waking up to daily posts by Sephani, but now that she is in the UK with her Master (congrats to her) she isn’t posting as often. And she’s skimping on details!! *gripes*
Yes, I am purely being selfish about this because when Master and I were off their relationship helped me through. I lived vicariously through her experiences. I guess now that Master is being Himself again I don’t really need her blog. I’m actually living the life that I’ve wanted. Sadly my damn period is still here but afterwards I’m hoping we pick up right where we left off on the physical.

I cope so much better in my duties as a slave and dealing with my severe mood swings if I have a healthy dose of pain right before bed. I guess I need that constant reminder exactly who and what I am. If I am left to figure everything out on my own, I know I will fail! That is exactly what happened the last time around and I turned into a huge uncontrollable bitch. I HATED who and what I had become, but I know it is going to take a long time to erase all of that in order to mold me into what I SHOULD be. A devoted obedient slave with rebellious tendencies. *smiles*

I’ve started meditating again to try and calm my moods. It use to help when I was living with my mother and her mother. (yes my mother is a leach attached to my grandmothers hip) that house was full of tension and anger. This house isn’t as bad, by a long shot, but he knows how to push my buttons just so. Like just now. I cut my nails without asking (how stupid is that) and He gave me a hard time about it. And right now He’s being kind of annoying. So now would be a good time for meditating!

Depression and procrastination

I have such a stress induced headache. Have had it for a while. It doesn’t exactly help that the
Guy I’m with is a major procrastinator. Our phone bill is due soon and its a big one. The first ones
Always are. We have the money now yet he decides to go buy things from Walmart instead.
Even though he knows what the stress does to me. Not like he cares but a girl can dream….

If you haven’t figured it out yet I’ll tell you now. For the last two-three months I have been
miserable. Why? Because the man I fell in love with tricked me into his life with pretty words
And false sense of how things were going to be.

We have very little if anything in common anymore. Half the time I ignore what he says because
I just heard the conversation last week! And the other half is about sports, which I hate! Not two
Seconds ago he blew up because I turned down the radio. I use to cry when he yelled because
I cared when he got mad… I don’t cry anymore because I don’t care. Its an everyday occurance to
Be yelled at for one thing or another. Lately its because my view on life is wrong, his words.

We have zero communication! On my part its because I know he will just tell me my idea or
thought or even feelings are stupid or wrong. In my eyes its a waste of time to get him to see any
-ones view or ideas then his own.. When I try to talk with him about things he gets defensive or
Angry. He doesn’t even try to see things from my perspective..

Yesterday I got kind of depressed.. Ok so no kind of about it. I was way down in the dumps and he
didn’t even try to help he just kept pointing out the things that way in the first place..

I guess what I’m saying is I haven’t felt so alone in a long time.. I have no one to talk to. Even if I did
I don’t have any privacy to do that…

We’re going down hill fast and I can’t stop it….. Do I even want to?