Posts Tagged ‘ issues ’

Trust

Almost every blog you read, every information site and self-help books all mention one pinpoint in the foundation of a D/s or S/m dynamic that everything else balances on. Trust.

I couldn’t agree more!

Only issue is my foundation is cracked and has tons of problems. My whole like, albeit a short time, I could trust two people, Just two. Friends turned at the first hint of abnormally. My family put me down, abused me at the first sign of trouble. I was moved from home to home by the “adults” who “knew best”. Now the two I thought would be with me forever are gone.

My grandpa, who was the best man ever, passed away from cancer. He prolonged his life by 12+ years from the day his doctors said he had 6+ months left. Knowing that makes the loss… less horrible. I could tell him anything and no matter his own beliefs he would listen and help.

Then my twin brother just up and leaves for the man I call Our sperm donors father, a.k.a our paternal grandad. He wont respond to emails or IM’s. No one has his phone number. Scratch that. His flavor of the month, Fox probably does. When I found out she wasn’t who she said she was I stopped talking to her.

Any who. Let’s not get into that Bag O’worms.

So needless to say I’m a bit rusty on trusting people. I love my Master with a frenzy and passion I can’t/don’t want to control. I am just scared to let Him in that far. Over the years I have been working on it. It’s just not at the level I want. I trust Him to know when to stop while playing. I trust Him to make the right choices for our family. I just don’t trust Him to not cheat or leave me like everyone else.

I know that’s wharped. I can trust Him not to drown me or beat me raw, but I can’t trust Him to stay and not take away my reasons to better myself.

The test is when I’m not on the truck with Him. I will be left home while He works. I’m going to be scared He won’t come back but every time He does, I will trust Him that much more.

And that my fellow pervs and lurkers is why I must work on Trust right along with Acceptance and Selflessness. Which I will write more on later.

Difficult feelings arise

So far today has been quite horrid. Heck, this whole week sucked. For one, we were stuck in a hotel for most of it. The people were nice but we were constantly arguing. Ever since The Bitch did her “class act” we have traveled away from each other mentally and emotionally. I know He feels it or He wouldn’t ask if I loved Him more than usual. We were going forwards at a decent rate. Now however we are going backwards at an ever greater speed!

I feel like my favorite appendage was ripped off. And metaphorically it has. By some crazy circumstance she has (The Bitch) influenced the destruction of my submission and His Dominance! Our relationship has been thrown back on the back burner along with all the S/m, discipline (all bet non-existent) and play time. I figured this would happen eventually but not now, so soon after achieving the level we were suppose to be at a year ago. I knew when angel came home our dynamic would disappear or lessen. I wasn’t prepared for it to be so soon.

I wasn’t ready mentally/emotionally for the rip that caused in our unit. Or the feeling of disappointment, abandonment, and being let go in a sense. I don’t feel centered or attached to my budding submission. With out constant reminders, whether their hints or full-blown demands, I start to question my place. I get emotionally distant from Master without the full force of His control. I need things I was just starting to get and others I’m afraid to ask for.

At times like this I wish He was “The Other guy”. The one He hides away. When things go bad He inverts into Himself. He gets quiet and distant. So the polar opposite of myself. When outside issues conspire against me I need to vent my frustration through pain and strenuous activities. When things fall apart outside us (like now) I need one constant. I need us to not only stay the same but get even more intense!

I just don’t know if that’s possible with Him..