Posts Tagged ‘ life ’

Refocus

I’ve decided to take a break from the internet for the next 3 days. I don’t just mean Facebook but everything from Fetlife down to blogs. I will still write but I won’t be reading about other people’s lives.

I only have three days left with my Master. I am going to make them count for something! My focus is being shifted refocused on Him, where its suppose to be. He is my priority, not some one I have never met in person. No offence to any of you, but this is something I have to do.

I will not look back on these days with regret because I didn’t do more! My time with Him is extremely important, precious and special.

Favorite place

Out of all the places Master and I drive through or have driven through in the 2years I’ve been on the truck, one place has a special place in my heart.

Master makes fun of me for it. We’ve been through the Deserts of Arizona, the mountains of West Virginia, Tennessee and California. I’ve seen the Montana plains, The Rocky Mountains and the cities of Chichago, Atlanta, Dallas, Philly, Buffalo, Miami, and Pheonix.

But the one place that I will trully miss is the Atchafalaya Basin in Louisiana on the west side of Baton Rouge! He likes the desert and wonders why I like some swamp in the middle of nowhere…

Because its in the middle of nowhere! It’s always green and lush and so alien to me. I’ve always been around Forests full of evergreens and pine trees. But not trees that can survive with their rutes submerged in water!

Plus the 18mile bridge is sinking… Yep, I said sinking! As in being claimed by the sludge and water. Aproxamitely 1-inch every year. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but it is a major corridor on I-10 going from Lake Charles to Baton Rouge. Its just… majestic!

I’ve taken pictures but they just don’t do it justice.

Normal

I was going to write a post with a prompt last night but nothing stuck out to me. So I thought about writing about my day. Again, nothing.

Yesterday was pretty normal. We worked, watched t.v, played around and went to bed. We stayed in a really bad hotel by the Pilot in Denham Springs.

We woke up at 6:30am so He could be in court on time. That was a mess. The sign said no cell phones leave with guard. I had to run back to the truck 2 blocks away to put them there and run back so He wouldn’t be late. A big girl should never run!!

After court we stopped in Orange Texas at the Flying J for breakfast. It was good. I was allowed a Red Bull, Mountain Dew and coffee all in one Morning! Needless to say, I had to pee… a lot. (Ha! I said it anyway. *blows raspberry!*)

And now we are at the IKEA in Houston for the night. We walked the whole store browsing. My legs and feet are screaming at me right now. I even have a blister. IKEA is freaking HUGE!!! Don’t go if your pressed for time, that’s all I gotta say.

I know it’s not as exciting as flogging or fucking but my days are pretty normal. Another thing, I’ve decided not to post horrible stuff. I know I will slip from time to time, but no one wants to read bad things. And having my dirty laundry out in the innernets is never good.

Puppy Girl

I have been fantasising about puppy play for a long time but for the last month it has constantly been on my mind. I catch myself dreaming up naughty scenarios while Master drives. I just can’t stop.

A few months back I was browsing The Guide and came across a guest post about being a human puppy. At first my mind recoiled like normal people, how your taught to react to the odd. But then I corrected myself and kept reading; Only to find myself horny and oh-so-wet at the prospect.

The mere thought of dressing up in full Puppy gear (mask, ears, suit, paws, hood, collar and leash) and parading around the house like an animal fascinated me! To be stripped of my human rights and responsibilities for a whole day seems so liberating. I would want the entire experience right down to playing fetch and scratching at the door to go potty outside.

The only reason we haven’t done to much of this yet is the lack of space and funds!

It’s my goal to start accumulating the gear and toys now, so when the space becomes available we won’t have to wait to play. Master is not only on board but taking over as Pirate Lord. I’d say captain but that’s to anti-villan for Him. And as you know, every story needs a good bad guy.

In other less naughty news… The ship (that is our life) has been in even calm waters since my “Doh!” moment. Things are progressing as they should, on His terms. I’ve been trying not to push or top from the bottom but its harder than you might think. Especially for me!

But I’m working on it, slowly. 🙂

Poison

I’m sorry for the long wait in posts. I know from first hand how frustrating that can be! You never really know how demanding outside interferences can be until you have some of your own. And Boy, do I have them! It seems like all I have these days.

As I write this I am probably forfeiting any chance of some ouchies or some sex. The odds were against me so don’t feel bad. It’s the story of my life right now.

Work has been pretty demanding as of late and as you all know it affects Him in a certain light. Pretty much suppresses that side of Him I rarely see; The Sadistic Master. So the change I talked about the 21st hasn’t exactly happened. It was just that one time deal. And I guess that’s ok to Him. At first I was so angry, not at Him this time but at myself. I let the pretty words get inside my head where they took root and started to spread hope.

For me that’s nothing but a four letter word. A poison, if you will. Not the instant death kind, but the corrosive kind. It eats away at my sanity one day at a time. Until nothing but bitterness exists. Clearly not at all healthy! I know this in my brian but my heart is a step or six behind.. So I get angry. This time I couldn’t get angry at Him. It was all on me.

I knew in the very deep and well hidden areas of both heart and brain that it wouldn’t happen/last. That it was the same talk different words but still I let the hope spread. It took me a while to get over it. My anger turned to being ashamed of myself for not listening to that part of me. You know, the whole “Fool me once” saying…

It took me the better part of the 5 days to get into a healthier mindset. I’m still not happy, I’m just not beating myself up over it. One day I’m sure I will adjust to a life with very little sex or kink… Mostly I regret the lack of control…

I’m tired so I’m going to bed.

Protected: Desperation

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Depression+Rant=post

I just got snapped at because I wanted to make the bed. Why on earth would I offer such nonsense? Because, to me, He doesn’t do it correctly. How dare I utter such blasphemous words; Right? But alas its true. He doesn’t tuck enough of the big blanket on my side, so it always comes undone at night. To avoid that I have perfected the amount of tucking. Why? If I do it HIS way, I get tangled in it and toss in my sleep until He wakes up livid slamming things close to my head. I have had to adapt. In order to prevent things that make Him scary. I knew He wouldn’t change His actions after all His excuse for not changing are “valid”. He shouldn’t be held accountable for His actions if He gets woken up badly. I therefore have to change….

I can’t believe I allowed myself to hope. After so long of not being snapped at I thought He got better. He will never change. Today’s was worse. At least all the others were in private. I can over look that and forgive. But in the open, people walking by the open window, hearing everything?? That I’m not so sure. I think He enjoys making me feel like crap! Otherwise He would see the humiliation or pain on my face and stop.

I’m done asking for any kind of pain or pleasure. It doesn’t matter what I want/need. I don’t think it ever has. I’m tired of dashed hopes when He says maybe, but nothing happens. And the rejection when He says He’s tired or doesn’t feel up to it. Why cant He see the slippery path I’m on? Does He care that all this stress is eating me up inside?! Or how much it hurts to be rejected day after day for some thing so simple as a spanking? Once again were at the dangerous edge in our relationship and He does nothing! He’s suppose to care! He is the provider or should be! Yet He does Nothing! He doesn’t or won’t (or even cant) discipline. Or provide the environment to thrive. He won’t allow me to soar in the high of our trust, love, life and bond. He doesn’t use me as a Sadistic Man should or how a masochistic slave desires.  There’s no fire, passion or kink. Why buy toys when their not properly used? The paddle has been used exactly twice over a month. Our extra curricular activities are non existent. Our flame is extinguished. And our passion is turning dull.

We still love each other so that has to count for something. Can love last that was founded on which isn’t there anymore? I think so. So the real question is can the lovers continue with out their true beings??