Posts Tagged ‘ Ownership ’

Micromanaged

“Are you micromanaged? Do you find you flourish best in a micromanaged environment? Why or why not?”

Right now because of the truck and small space my Master can’t exactly pull over and punish me if I do something wrong. It’s just not an option right now. When we get the apartment and move it will be much easier for Him. He will just have to grab my hair or collar and correct me. *Shivers with excitement*

From keepandshare.com

I find that if I have a set daily routine or schedule I flourish better. When I know what I can and can’t do it makes it easier for me to concentrate on my submission and grow as His slave. I guess it takes the pressure off of my shoulders if I know what exactly I am doing for that day. I like spontaneity as much as the next girl but not quite all the time. In the bedroom or in a scene, hell yes! In my rules? Nope.

It also makes me feel secure and wanted. If my Master takes time out of His busy day to create a daily routine for me, it is just another way to show me that He is committed to my success as His slut. He has created a tool with His own hands to help me do that. You have no idea how that feels. It’s like a warm blanket of love, ownership, control and reassurance wrapped around you to keep you safe and happy.

It’s  not something for every slave, but for this one? It is definitely up there on the I-Want-and-Need list!

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Pup Mentality

“Do you identify with a particular type of animal? Do you use any kind of pet or animal interactions with your owner?”

Mainly I identify with a pack animal. They surround themselves with their own kind and work together towards a common goal. With that said it is definitely the wolf that I align myself towards.

I love that there is only one Alpha Male and Female per pack. She is the only one allowed to breed. I definitely have a pack mentality. That is one reason why I always have pets. Mostly dogs. They need leadership and guidance as much as I do. I know it’s a little different but on this premises it’s actually similar.

I don’t really think of my kinky friends as a pack but I do migrate towards them instead of the more mundane and normal fellows. I need to feel like I am not the only one in this world that feels the way I do.

I lean more towards a puppy when I interact with my Master. Not all the time but it the urge definitely arrises. I nuzzle His hand when I am on my knees by Him when I want attention. When I am feeling some what vulnerable I will put my head in His lap. It makes me feel His strength and that He won’t let anything happen to me.

When I revert to a puppy it’s mainly because of emotional issues. And strangely it helps. Plus it lets Master know right away that I need more assurance and love than usual. So it works both ways.

Struggles

“What have you discovered in your service that you never expected?”

That is a hard one. I have had this on my mind the whole weekend trying to answer that. I have known since I was 16 that this lifestyle is what I wanted. To serve and please another in all that I am. At first I was drawn to the submissive side but that changed once I met my Master. I never expected this part to be so hard. I figured I would be a pro at it since I have been wanting to please since I was 16.

After a little while I realized the hardest thing in my service is staying in the slave mindset. I never knew it would be so hard maintaining the charisma, enjoyment to please and whole mindset that is needed to submit fully to another person. There are times when life throws you a curve ball mixed with a fast ball. It’s hard to keep in mind that you aren’t free to react the way you would have.

Your Master may piss you off or annoy you, but you can’t really get mad and yell at Him or tell Him to piss off. (Do as I say not as I do. I’m still learning!!) It’s a natural reaction to defend yourself. In a way you can but you still have to show respect to the Man/Woman that owns you. After all you are His/Hers. They can do with you what they want with no explanation what so ever!

And that is hard for me to wrap my head around. I like knowing where I’m going, what I’m doing and who I will be doing it with. But with my Master, He likes to throw random things out there just to see how I react. I must think on my toes. It’s frustrating but at the end of the day when I do well, it is definitely rewarded. Maybe not in the conventional ways. Sometimes I will get an extra spanking or cuddle time. This weekend I got to see a chick flick because I was good meeting with Sir R and j! (HEY! Chick flicks are a big deal for me. They are even more rare than sushi, and that’s saying something!)

I may not get a treasured “Good girl” but I still get something. For a while I lost sight of that. I was so concerned with the negatives and not the positives, I didn’t even see when I was being rewarded. Thankfully my blindfold is off. And the reward helps reassure me that I am doing good even though I am struggling.

Does that make me a bad slave? Maybe. But at least I am learning and admitting when I slip up so I can dust myself off with the help of my Master.

Selflessness

Another problem area of mine is selfless service. I almost always have selfish thoughts raging war inside my head. You know, the “what can I get?” or “what’s in this for me?”… Ok so you might not but stick with me here!

I have probably only served my Master selflessly a hand full of times. Literally, I could count them on one hand. But for self-preservation, I’m not gonna! The times were in the beginning of our relationship.

I know for the last year or so I have become completely blind to the whole point of why we do what we do. Deep down I know it’s about Him and His needs first. Its much easier on paper to admit. Some times though it takes a complete stranger to point out the obvious!

Just because He isn’t using His “Dom” muscles at any given moment it doesn’t give me the right to stop serving Him. I still have to follow the rules. I still have to act as if He was actively pursuing the Domly ways. Even though He is less Domly than I would like, I still have to be the slave He demands.

It’s a very big hurdle of mine. Each time I offer to clean His boots or give Him a rub down (the non-dirty kind, you pervs!) I’m getting better. I just have to constantly guard myself. If I catch myself slipping I must remind myself: I am His to do with as He pleases, it is not my right or privilege to complain or do selfishly. I am not His equal so I shouldn’t think or act like it! I am His slave.

Maybe thinking all of that will help me learn and stay focused.

Acceptance

Last night my Owner claimed what’s His for His gratification; my body. In my head I understand that is basically my role in this dynamic but deep down I don’t like it.

I tend to invert into myself when He does this (Thank gosh He doesn’t do it often) until it’s over. I hide from the negative feelings that pop their ugly little heads up. Truth be told I’m also hiding from my Master. I have a very hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I am, complementary to my beliefs, a piece of His property. Although an important piece of property.

I enjoy talking about myself as such but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty… I don’t like the activities that make me that. Don’t get me wrong, I love being His slave, bitch and personal slut! I thrive when I am under His control and am more comfortable on the floor by His feet. As I write this I am sitting on the floor while He drives. I don’t mind doing the domestic duties (except making the bed!) because it centers me into my role as slave while it pleases Him.

I just can’t wrap my head around being sexually used as His personal cock sucker, cunt and piece of ass, even though that is a part of what I am. I can say the words and revel in my role when He says them. But the actions? Nuh-uh! I hide from them like a hypocrite.

Master told me, last night during the after-care, that I needed to accept my role as His property. Once I realized by accepting the fact that I not only pleased Him but also gave Him what He needed at the time, I fulfilled my role! He told me I shouldn’t hide from pleasing Him when He needs it most…

It makes sense and I want to be able to do exactly that. And I decided to let you in on the process! I want to succeed in pleasing my Master and molding myself to better please Him. There are a few areas that I need to work on. So, I’m creating a new category for this named Hurdles. In order to succeed I need to write about my thoughts and feelings during this road to a better me. If I ignore the feelings and problem areas I will fail. I know that about me, I have to analyze the situations and deal with them accordingly. And right now, where it counts, I can’t afford to fail!

Mercy

“I want to put myself absolutely at your mercy for good or evil without any condition, without any limit to your power.” -Leopold von Sacher-Masoch

I would absolutely love to submit myself to the whims of my Owner in such a complete way. I would be thrilled to wake up and not know what’s going to happen to or around me. If I could submit all things to Him my life would be so simple and to the point.

I don’t know if I can do that though. Ever since I was a little girl I have been taking care of myself. And I have done a good job of it. I’ve always worked and made my own decisions. I’m a rather independent person and that can get in the way of submitting like that. I know what I want when I want it and I know what I need when I need it.

What I don’t know is if He will be that in tune to my wants and needs. If He doesn’t I, once again, am an unfulfilled person. I know what that’s like. I don’t want to go back to being a walking, talking time bomb. I don’t want to be broken!

Plus I’m afraid. I don’t wear my collar right now because it’s symbology has changed. It has become a red-hot beacon of all my disappointments this last year and a half. It symbolises all my neglected needs, lost experiences and sorrow. That particular collar lost its good meaning.

I’m hoping with a new collar I won’t be so afraid of it.

Rights or Priviledges

“Submissives need to be told what to do. Slaves need to do what they’re told.” -unknown(?)

Is that really all that separates the submissive and the slave? Or is there more to it than that?

I’ve always thought of myself as a slave more than just a submissive. (not that subs aren’t fantastic, just not for me) At first I thought it had to do with the level of servitude I wanted to partake in, but then I started to experience for myself what the word “slave” entailed. Its one thing to read about others doing it and “playing” it online but its a whole different concept when your doing it.

I’ve always liked rules, routines and rituals. I thoroughly enjoy pleasing others by my actions. I was intrigued about being owned. I thought the more I gave to an Owner/Master the less I was responsible for. I guess in a way that’s true but what others failed to mention was what you are responsible for just became intensified by 1000. There’s no failsafe or grace period. It its not done correctly or His way in a timely manner (His time frame) it lands on your shoulders and yours alone. You don’t have the privilege of procrastination.

In this day and age slavery, true slavery, is illegal. You cant strip the constitutional rights from someone. (no matter how hard Obama tries) But you can strip away a slaves privileges. I hear people say in kink slaves don’t have rights. Yes we do, as human beings we do; But what we don’t have are privileges! An Owner cant take a slaves right to breathe or eat, but He can take away her privilege to eat well..

A submissive however can state how far she is willing to go or how much she can/will give up to His control. She has more freedom in word, action and basic nature. She can set terms upon meeting her Dom.

A slave just accepts her role and makes the best out of it.

For me who ever wrote the above quote got it wrong. It’s not about doing what your told or even doing what is demanded. What separates the sub from the slave is privileges or the lack there of.