Posts Tagged ‘ prompts ’

Turn off switches

I’m going to do another journal prompt. Let’s see what it randomly kicks up…

“When you’re in a submissive state, are there things that specifically turn you off?”- part one

Hmmm. Another goodie. I’m going to break it into two parts since it’s actually two questions.

There are actually a couple of things that will get me out of a slave mindset. The most affective one that Master does is direct His anger or disappointment at me. In other words when He snaps for (to me) no reason. It puts me on the defensive very quickly and my submission will change to rebellion. It’s why I, intentionally, *cough* snap back. Deep down I know snapping back won’t solve a dang thing, but in that split second I just don’t care.

The second thing (or in case people) that gets me out of my slave mindset, is my family. Every time I talk to my mother she mentions things that cut to the bone. So the emotional and mental scars Master is in the process of helping me mend, break open and start to ooze. When this happens I revert to my old pre-Master ways and crawl into my safe place inside my head. It’s why I don’t call much anymore. And she just cant figure out why. Hmmmm.

“When you are feeling particularly submissive, are there things that will put you straight back into neutral?”- part two

So far I have only found one thing that successfully does this. That would be rejection in the purest form. I know Master doesn’t know exactly what rejection, especially His, does to me. (well He does now! *evil glare*) When He says He’s to tired or frustrated or stressed to give me even the most simple and basic of spankings, it hurts. It feels like He is not just rejecting me, but my gift of submission as well. So my instincts shut that part of myself down. Not just that day, but days even weeks afterwords!

I don’t ask for much. My requests are simple. So when I beg, why must I still be rejected? I don’t really know that one.

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Quotes that hit home!

Since I don’t have a whole heck of a lot to write about today, I figured I would give a journal prompt from submissive guide a try.

“Do not be like servants who serve their masters expecting to receive a reward; be rather like servants who serve their masters unconditionally with no thought of reward” – Antigonus of Sokho

It’s a bit comical that upon first opening the pages to the prompts, this is the one that my eye went to first. All day I have been asking Master some rather difficult questions. (which I won’t be sharing :p) And somehow after answering them this subject came up. For those of you who don’t read my blog regularly, I have a slight problem in this area. Many a post has been on this very thing… Ok, so maybe more than just a slight problem. Huge actually.

For the longest time I have been of the mindset, “If I get nothing out of it, why bother?” I know, not very becoming in a slave. But in my defense this mindset started even before I knew about S/m. (Yush, I can has a defense. It’s my blog you poops!) Sadly, it was carried over to my dynamic with Master. Its part of the reason I’m so rebellious towards Him. With out correction, discipline or punishment (in that order) I will continue down a destructive path A) because I can get away with it and B) to test how far I can take it, then try 2 more steps.

So not only do I do things for a reward, like the words “good girl” uttered out of His wonderful mouth *Swoons*, but I also do things for a punishment… Its my nature. That’s also why I need a persistent, heavy-handed, strong-willed Dominate. With out the constant reminder via actions of my place and His will I don’t think I’m worth any of the feelings He has given me. I will lose the already flimsy control of my bratty snippy rebellion.

I would love to one day be able to give my Master a massage (not the dirty kind you pervs!!) without thinking in the back of my head, “If I do this too good He will not want to do anything play related anymore”. I know its selfish but I don’t know how to undo what made me think that way in the first place.

Maybe this should be one of my resolutions for the New Year… I really do want to be better at this!