Posts Tagged ‘ routines ’

Vanilla & slave Masks

 

Well we’re here in Laredo. Laundries done, beds made and He’s been rubbed down. My part has been successfully completed. I was a good girl and watched His movie, Full Metal Jacket and I didn’t complain when all He talked about was football playoffs. I’m not writing this looking for a “Job well done” or anything. Quite the opposite. I have finally learned to accept that my Masters version of “Job well done” is nothing… If He doesn’t punish me or correct me, than I’m doing well. I know, for a slave like me its a bit backwards, but that’s my Master for ya.

For a long time I tried to get Him to understand that way wouldn’t work for me, even if done to perfection. He’s never gotten it. So I have come to accept that. I don’t like it or agree with it, but I can’t change it. I’ve tried! Good-gosh how I’ve tried.. I just keep failing. I don’t fight loosing battles, no matter how dear the cause, which left two options; A) leave or B) adapt and accept. Every time I give up a battle and accept His way I’m left with those options. The first I refuse to do just because of kink differences! Which leaves only the second.

What brought this on? Sephi did. She wrote of her not being girl friend material and needing to take that “normal mask” off now that the roomies are gone. And on this topic I could not agree more! Only our interpretation and views differ. I have been wearing the mask so long, I can’t tell which is the true Mask. The normal vanilla girlfriend? Or the part-time, barely dipping her toe in the water, slave? I just don’t know.

I’ve been trying not to push my way or agenda on Him, but it’s so hard! When our ideals are so vastly different, how do I back off? When His idea of being Master is once every couple of weeks when we get to play, how do I not ask for some form of pain/pleasure? I don’t think He can be serious enough to be the dominant I need longer than a play session.. And that’s the brutally honest truth!

Actually being consistent in His punishments or corrections is too much of a responsibility for one who jokes and plays around to much. He says He does the serious thing when needed. He says a lot of things… What is He willing to DO?

His spanking me every other day lasted 4 days. His rules lasted a couple of months. His 3-things a day to do for Him lasted the longest, but even that ended badly. He wants me to ride on the floor next to Him but that’s happened twice. He said He was going to make a list two weeks ago about whats acceptable and what isn’t for when I get off the truck. Haven’t seen it yet. My daily routine was blown out the window in less than a week and I made that.

I am desperately trying to take the “Vanilla Mask” off but its impossible when He does nothing but put it back by His inconsistency! I tried and succeeded in doing for Him with out an ulterior motive… Well I would have if He allowed it. Since? Nothing, nada, Zip! Right now I don’t want to do much less selflessly. And I know that attitude won’t change a dang thing…

I don’t know if anything will 😦

Good Blogs and Bad Ones

I have been looking for websites or books to help me get back into the mind set that is needed to do what I do. Most sites I’ve found are just what that particular sub thinks/does. I’ve even talked to the only other slave that I’m in contact with. She was more concerned with what type of control I wanted then proceeded to tell me it wasn’t possible because we were slaves to truckers?! So she was NO help what-so-ever. (I need more submissive contacts) All I’ve been searching for is a way to become a better slave but it seems people are more worried about where others are at now and not where they want to go in the future.. I was getting so frustrated I was about to give up. I literally stumbled on this site and its exactly what I have been looking for. Its the Submissive Guide blog. Basically a cumulative of different slaves giving helpful posts to those who read it. There are posts on rituals, discipline and many other topics. The one about getting into the right mind set by ritual helped a lot. There was only one problem with her advice.. I am in a truck and have limited space and time in the mornings. I can’t take an hour and a half for a morning routine. I wish there was some kind of self help site for a truckers girl. Most things girls do in a house or even only an apartment have way more room then I do so I can’t clean or do yoga. However I can meditate but even that’s a bit difficult with Master listening to talk shows. Once we get the po box I will be able to order some S/m books. That itself will immensely help.
I’m still looking for the morning ritual that works best for me.. When I find it you will know.

The blog that I have been reading to get my “fix” has sadly become less and less appealing. I’m not entirely sure why. You would think her posts would be even more invigorating since she is back with her Master, but they are getting less details and being posted irregularly. I get why she isn’t writing as much as often because she is with her Master and therefore has to devote her time to him instead of her blog.. Even the ones that do have graphic detail don’t really interest me anymore. Maybe its because I am now living the life I have always hoped to live and am now making my own experiences. Either way I think I’m done being one of her avid readers. Its sad in a way but extremely invigorating to! My life is looking up and our relationship is blooming.

Last night Master told me that tonight I would be getting another spanking. Apparently he waits three days when there is bruising so its not to painful but the blood is still at the surface. I’m going to have to trust him on this one. Its a good exercise on trust. I’m still hesitant about that. I trust him with my life, I just have a hard time trusting him when he’s holding a candle above my flesh! Van you blame me?? I’m working on that as well as everything else… Man do I have a ways to go!