Posts Tagged ‘ scenes ’

The Walls

I have been struggling with how mundane my life is right now. It’s all I seem to think about. With every thing that is going on outside our little bubble of control; you would think what can be controlled would take the center stage. And in my mind that is exactly how it works. My Master doesn’t think like that.

It seems with Him the crazier our life is the farther away He pushes us. Right now we are both stressed, I mean severely stressed. What with accumulating cash to move, His ex-mother-in-law and His DM(driver manager) there is no room for this lifestyle or in-depth discussions about us.

We are polar opposites in this. Life fire and ice trying to live together without destroying everything in the process. It really makes me angry and frustrated because He always says it will be easier. In some ways (like room, time and a way to get toys) yeah I’m sure it will be easier but the stress won’t go away! It will only morph into a different cocktail of unpleasantness.

I have no way to release that pent-up anger and frustration. I can’t clean in a mad frenzy or walk until my lungs want to burst. Other than those two ways I don’t know how to not break. Even the pope himself would snap in my predicament.

Because I’m so angry the thought of a scene is unappetizing to say the least. I’m not in the right mind-set for a quick spanking or slapping. I no longer enjoy giving Him a handjob or blowjob. It’s an instant turn off for me. I know that sounds harsh but I know my Master. Sometimes more than He gives me credit for.

I’m not sure I could accept anything that would make me more vulnerable than I am now. Even without the added vulnerability I have been hurt enough this week. I have been yelled at and snapped at multiple times. Right now I am just to iffy or on edge. I’m afraid I would break…

*****

I just got out of a much needed shower. It was actually relaxing to sit under the hot water while shaving. Usually, showers are more of a chore than or obligation (my Master likes me smooth and hairless everywhere so it takes some time and effort) but today? It actually gave me time to think uninterrupted. Which is rare.

So I was doing my thing and it just came to me! The walls I use to have around my secret place and heart were coming back. I have worked so hard to knock those down and let my Master in. I’ve always been slightly afraid of letting Him in and submitting fully to Him. As you know I am a fairly independent person. (hush in the peanut gallery!) I’ve had to be to survive. I wasn’t sure I could trust Him to lean me in the right direction.

To this day I am really hesitant about that. I am also not a very trusting soul. I know I can trust Him with my life, but can I trust Him with everything else?

Its better than last month and hopefully in another month I will trust Him even more. Every day that goes by with Him fully ensconced in His role and I’m still safe and happy is a step in the right direction. On the flip side of that coin, every time He is just NGT the guy and I’m frustrated its one step backward.

Another thought I had in the shower way maybe a good scene was what I do in fact need! (I know two thoughts! I’m that good! hehe) My mind did a 180 degree spin I know, but hear me out. Doing nothing has messed with my head pretty bad. I’ve had bouts of self-doubt, whether or not I’m good enough to be my Masters’ slut and some of the walls come back to full glory from the rubble.

So perhaps I need to be pushed to my limit and then forced 10-20 steps farther into the unknown and past my safety net. I need to be put in my place then kept there. I know parts I won’t enjoy while others I will love. I need Him to unleash the Sadistic Bastard that lurks inside Him for a couple of days. To get back on track with what I am supposed to be!

Knowing me, I might rebel at first. When I am put back into my place I get a bit huffy and snippy.* After months of no corrections its only natural to resist. But after the initial huffy-ness I settle into the place that makes me love what I do. (mmm m&ms with pretzels inside!!) It just takes me a while to get back to that state of mind. After all patience is a virtue. (looks pointedly at Master)

*Master’s edit: A bit?! A bit snippy my Ass! (yes He did type that)

Puppy Girl

I have been fantasising about puppy play for a long time but for the last month it has constantly been on my mind. I catch myself dreaming up naughty scenarios while Master drives. I just can’t stop.

A few months back I was browsing The Guide and came across a guest post about being a human puppy. At first my mind recoiled like normal people, how your taught to react to the odd. But then I corrected myself and kept reading; Only to find myself horny and oh-so-wet at the prospect.

The mere thought of dressing up in full Puppy gear (mask, ears, suit, paws, hood, collar and leash) and parading around the house like an animal fascinated me! To be stripped of my human rights and responsibilities for a whole day seems so liberating. I would want the entire experience right down to playing fetch and scratching at the door to go potty outside.

The only reason we haven’t done to much of this yet is the lack of space and funds!

It’s my goal to start accumulating the gear and toys now, so when the space becomes available we won’t have to wait to play. Master is not only on board but taking over as Pirate Lord. I’d say captain but that’s to anti-villan for Him. And as you know, every story needs a good bad guy.

In other less naughty news… The ship (that is our life) has been in even calm waters since my “Doh!” moment. Things are progressing as they should, on His terms. I’ve been trying not to push or top from the bottom but its harder than you might think. Especially for me!

But I’m working on it, slowly. 🙂

Extreme Revelations

Last night was absolutely amazing! It started with a declaration and resolution from Master. When I told Him how I felt about the very little kink in our life and I thought it was a bit lacking, He really thought about things. He asked me what I wanted for myself and from Him. I, of course, was at this point brutally honest by stating, I want a Sadistic Master not a Boyfriend/Husband.

I was told that He would be testing me. He would find out just what I want and need; How much I can take and how much He can give! It could be a process that lasts a week to several months. I just had to mention that I’ve heart a variation of this before and like all the other times I wasn’t expecting it to last. I’m lucky He gets and understands my reservations, because I have heard all this (or a form there of) before. I’m not saying it will fail, because the first week or two are great. All but perfect. I’m just saying its a greater probability/possibility it won’t last past that.

Master and I had one of our best scenes yet! Nothing to sexual as in no one orgasmed.. But I was thoroughly abused. The sides of my tits are nothing but bruises. I’m sore in places I forgot I had. I teared up but He didn’t stop. He took my breath away quite literally. He had me on all fours forcing me to suck His cock while He smacked my ass and back. I was even reprimanded at one point! 🙂 I have to say it feels wonderful that He is back on.

For once I can’t wait until tomorrow!

I’m exhausted so to bed I go.. Snuggles! *Squeels!*

Plague of unanswered questions

Master and i are still in Atlanta. We had a load this morning that was supposed to pick up today and deliver tomorrow. But when we got here, (The shippers) they told Master that it wouldn’t be ready until tomorrow at 5:30PM eastern time. He has been trying to figure all of this out since we got here. Sadly, there has been no progress. Add onto that the two facts that i am in dire need of a restroom (which they don’t have for us lowly drivers) and that i haven’t had anything to eat all morning, this becomes quite unbearable. Situations like this make me very edgy and cranky. Master is about to go drive back to the Atlanta yard to wait. At least there they have bathrooms… and vending machines. Master won’t dare drop His trailer though. The other drivers are like sharks when it comes to empty trailers. If you drop one there is a 99.99% chance that you won’t be getting it back with this company..

Yesterday morning when i woke up, i had to go into the building and i found Master in front of the T.V. Which is perfectly fine. When i sat down the first thing He asked me was, “What kind of mood are you in?”. Usually when He asks me that it is only to see where my head is at because His is in the gutter… The deliciously deviant gutter! After i had woken up a bit Master and i went back to the truck. He decided to play Age of Empires: The trial edition for a while.

i had a bunch of images in my head of being tied up and smacked, flogged and fucked so naturally i was drenched. i asked Master if i would be allowed to play and He said yes and handed over my toy! While i was doing that He came back to the bed and stood there… Then to my surprise unzipped His pants. i don’t know about Y/your house hold but when my Master does that it only means one thing. i took my toy out and got on all fours and proceeded to suck His cock. It was very yummy! He wouldn’t let me suck Him to completion because as He put it, “That’s for later…” and went back to His game and let me finish playing. 🙂

Later that night Master gave me exactly what i have been needing for weeks! A very yummy, intense scene. It started with me just sitting on the bed to being stripped, blindfolded and having clothes pins placed on my nipples. Those things hurt like CRAP! i can never stand to have them on for to long their to painful. After that Master tied me to a handle in the wall, with me laying on my back arms over my head while He used His belt on me… Every where on my body was being kissed with the leather. About a third of the way in i was already on the verge of tears but i was also drenched so Master didn’t stop. i also didn’t ask/tell Him to stop either. i wanted to go as far as i could that night. i didn’t want to hold anything back and i wanted to be at the place where i didn’t have to think after wards. It was just intense feelings over-riding my brain. It was wonderful!

Unfortunately before Master could finish and cum some guy knocked on the door. Master had to get dressed and see what the hell. Apparently some guy said that the empty we were on was His trailer and it was loaded which is a bunch of horse shit and by the end of the conversation with the guy Master busted Him in the pricks lies. Although Master was mad He was in to good a mood to argue with yet another old, bald black man that day.

When Master and i have such intense scenes like that, it makes me feel completely owned. i’m not talking about the mushy i’m going to be His for all eternity. No. What i’m talking about is the flood of emotions that course through my body after an experience like that. When you are thoroughly used, marked, mind-fucked and well, fucked there is no escaping your position in the relationship. It’s like the man sears it onto my brain with a red-hot poker. Along with the good emotions come some not-so-good questions. i have only had to ask and answer them once.

The questions like: “Why am i putting myself through this much pain?” or “If He truly loves me, then why is He hurting me and making me cry?” or the hardest one for me yet, “Aren’t i suppose to be more than a fuck-toy or punching bag?”…

The last question is still very new in my mind. i haven’t been able to answer it yet. i know i’m not just His punching bag or fuck-toy, but in moments like that the mind wonders… Now, lets analyze a moment shall we? (See what it’s like in my head 24/7.. poor souls you.) If i was 100% submissive in my ways and thinking wouldn’t i be exactly that? i mean at times i am in fact His fuck-toy. i get used for His pleasure then put back on the shelf until next time with out pleasure of my own. Also being His fuck-toy or punching bag gives Him pleasure so therefor it should give me pleasure, right? So because half the time it doesn’t give me pleasure does that mean i’m not submissive enough? Or does that mean i’m a “bad” slave, because i have needs that are somewhat selfish? i would like to say no. That i am not a “bad” slave but instead i’m just being human. If you look at the human animal… We are selfish creatures as a whole. Some of us are worse than others. We like to have our needs met before we go around and helping other people with theirs. It’s the “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” mentality. Some times that isn’t very conducive to being in the “submissive/slave” mindset. So many things in todays culture/world are conspiring against the mentality of submission. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. Where women are trying to be men, and men are trying to be women. There is no true “Boss” in any dynamic. If you were to tell anyone that you were in this lifestyle you would be shunned. Our community is very small in numbers. Hell, even within that community you might be judged because of what you like or don’t like.

i just think there is no accurate way to decide what is acceptable as a slave and what isn’t. The only one that should really have that kind of power over you and your actions should be your owner. Although on the flip side of that coin. The best person to make sure you keep up with the rules or guidelines is yourself. You are either your best friend or worst enemy. i am the same way. Hense the struggle i have been having recently.

i have a lot to think about as you can guess..