Posts Tagged ‘ slavery ’

Loss of words

I have come to find a new comfort food or rather drink. While Master has been away I first turned to munching on snacks when the pangs of sadness hit. As you can imagine that doesn’t help me loose weight. Which is my goal now that I am off the truck. So I substituted food for hot tea.

When Master and I ate breakfast or I was feeling down I had a mug of hot tea and felt better. I was calmed at once. I tried it again yesterday, curled up on the couch under a blankie with a cup of hot tea and it was easier to stomach the pain. It helps to center my mind.

Its hard to explain just how I feel with out my Master around. Most of you probably don’t understand why I needed something to center myself and calm the emotions. Like so many other things that go along with slabery or BDSM, you have to experience it for yourself to really know. If you went from a 24/7 TPE relationship to a version of a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) than you know where I am at.

You cant read about the loss of self that happens when you are parted from your Dominant and then know about it. No words correctly describe the empty shell that one becomes.

Its better today than it was Friday. Not by much but at least I’m not crying as much. Right now that is about all I can hope for this first tme. I am praying the next time He leaves it will be easier but I’m not so sure..

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Expectation Assignment

Master wants me to write about my expectations for this hometime. We are moving in tomorrow. I’m not good with assignment writing so bare with me yall!

One thing I have learned as a lesson from my Master is to let things happen how they may. In essence stop trying to micromanage every detail of my life and let Master handle it. It has been a very hard long process to get me where I am. But I have arrived relatively unscathed. Which means I have no expectations.

But…!

I do have a couple of fantasies that I would like to see happen. Both in the broader sense of the word and specifics. I want to break the new place in with a Bang! I need to feel 100% owned, controlled and cherished at the same time. I want to be worn out and beaten until I can’t sit, stand, walk or even blink with out a twinge of pain or six.

I need to be put in my place and have our dynamic fully established within the new home. I need to know that the lip or back talk isn’t going to be acceptable. That the slack He has given me in the truck is gone! I want to feel like His slave both domestically and sexually. I want to be forced into my role.

I need humiliation, degradation and a primal fuck. I need to be treated like nothing other than property.

Then…

I need to be cuddled, soothed and pampered. I want all the nice words and the I love you’s after He completely breaks down every single wall that I have built in my life.

For this time, I have no limits. (except cumming on my face!! just clarifying *coughs*) I want no safe word or gesture. After two years of pain, my wonderful Sadist knows His masochists buttons pretty damn well! 🙂

For Master: I want You to turn me into Your filthy fuck toy and use me until You have completed your feast. Then at the end of the night, I will need You to tell me that You love me, need me and want me! With an extra heap of cuddles 😀

Eager Acceptance

I’m taking a break from writing The Academy. I normally don’t like to do that but there is a lot happening that is making me preoccupied.

We are moving into the apartment in less than a week. As for those of you who are friends on FB know, I am a mixed bag of nerves. It varies from day to day and hour to hour sometimes. I am excited to get off the truck! The first 6 months were fun but the year and a half after that was a bit brutal.

It was a great learning tool though. When two people are thrust together (not in a dirty way! Get your heads out of the gutter!) in a limited enviroment, they either mesh together or crumble. We not only meshed but thrived! At times it was a little rough and bumpy but no relationship is perfect. We are far from perfection but we are perfect for one another. There is no I or Me anymore, instead its We or Us.

People, couples especially, have no real concept of 24/7 until they live in a truck. I have no outside job or schooling to go to. Entertainment is done together, i.e movies. In the beginning we even showered together. Except for the bathroom we are hardly apart. Where He goes, I go. It can be suffocating or solidifying depending how you look at it. I like to think it helped make Us as strong as we are! For that, I will be forever grateful for this experience.

Now its time for the next stage in our relationship. Taking this leap of faith scares me to death and excites me. We have mastered living together in a really small space. Its become our normal and its safe. It’s not the experience or even the responsibility that frightens… Just that, we finally have us down pat and I’m afraid we will have to relearn us. I know that’s silly but there you have it.

Then you add being away from Master 2-3 weeks a month while He works and I’m a basket case!

I am doing things eagerly that I would normally grimace at just to have that feel of ownership and control. I don’t complain (as much) about the chores like laundry and making the bed. I still don’t like it but I am more than willing to do it. Anything I can do to help carry the dynamic we have now, I will do!

For instance, last night I gave Master a foot rub. I abhor feet! But I did it to show my appreciation to Him. No ulterior motive or selfish thoughts. Just me on my knees serving up one hell of a foot rub to Him!

The Switch

Its 7am and I just woke up. Master went inside so I have a few minutes to write.

Usually when I wake up I’m a little groggy until my brain wakes up. But today it’s up and running in high gear analyzing last night. Master gave me a very good thrashing. That evil leather paddle was used everywhere. My back, butt, legs, arms and breasts. I’m sore in places I forgot I had. It was mentally exhausting in the sense my mind wouldn’t turn off! I kept thinking if that was what I really needed or was I doing it for some sick gratification. It made the pain hard to bear. I was crying with snot rolling down my face. Until He did my back. I guess that was the switch that shut off my raging thoughts. The pain didn’t change only… shifted from unbearable to enjoyable. I stopped crying and spaced. I was floating on the current of pain and every thing clicked! Yes, it was what I needed. I was ensconced in my place and who I am. Of course I get a warped gratification out of it. I’m a pain slut after all! No, HIS pain slut. 🙂

Your service or my service?

“How do you define “service”?”

That’s a loaded question if I’ve ever heard one.

First of all, there are different kinds of service. Then you add the fact that no two people serve the same way. The gal should really be more spacific. So I will answer in sections.

To me, there is Domestic Service a slave provides and then there is the Sexual Service. Both are equally important in the own way. The duties a slave has normally fall under those categories. That is why some slaves call themselves either a Domestic slave or a Sex slave. I have never understood the reasoning behind the clarification. I am both wrapped in one noun and verb: slave.

I serve willingly in both categories. I love to keep our house home clean. I take great pride and pleasure in cooking for Him. The simplest reminder of my place by getting His drink thrills me. At the same time, I love when He binds me to His will by a simple command, “stay” while He tortures me. When He opens me to new sensations and sexual experiences thrills me! I even like when He just takes what’s His… Sometimes. I enjoy balancing along the razor edge between pain and pleasure, just like I enjoy balancing on the edge of the stool to clean something!

I am what I am and I know what I like or dislike.

How do I define service?

Service: A group of actions or activities that I do to show my Owner my respect for Him. It is the way I show Him I am proud to be His slut. Service, either sexual or domestic, is my opportunity to create the life I choose to live with Him. It allows me the chance to say, “No matter what happens, I will always be here to love You, help You through life by shouldering the domestic responsibilities while You chill. I am always here to relieve Your pressure and fulfill Your pleasure!” Not in words or pretty poems, but by actions.

That my friends is how I define service and with it means to lil ole me. 🙂

Micromanaged

“Are you micromanaged? Do you find you flourish best in a micromanaged environment? Why or why not?”

Right now because of the truck and small space my Master can’t exactly pull over and punish me if I do something wrong. It’s just not an option right now. When we get the apartment and move it will be much easier for Him. He will just have to grab my hair or collar and correct me. *Shivers with excitement*

From keepandshare.com

I find that if I have a set daily routine or schedule I flourish better. When I know what I can and can’t do it makes it easier for me to concentrate on my submission and grow as His slave. I guess it takes the pressure off of my shoulders if I know what exactly I am doing for that day. I like spontaneity as much as the next girl but not quite all the time. In the bedroom or in a scene, hell yes! In my rules? Nope.

It also makes me feel secure and wanted. If my Master takes time out of His busy day to create a daily routine for me, it is just another way to show me that He is committed to my success as His slut. He has created a tool with His own hands to help me do that. You have no idea how that feels. It’s like a warm blanket of love, ownership, control and reassurance wrapped around you to keep you safe and happy.

It’s  not something for every slave, but for this one? It is definitely up there on the I-Want-and-Need list!

Struggles

“What have you discovered in your service that you never expected?”

That is a hard one. I have had this on my mind the whole weekend trying to answer that. I have known since I was 16 that this lifestyle is what I wanted. To serve and please another in all that I am. At first I was drawn to the submissive side but that changed once I met my Master. I never expected this part to be so hard. I figured I would be a pro at it since I have been wanting to please since I was 16.

After a little while I realized the hardest thing in my service is staying in the slave mindset. I never knew it would be so hard maintaining the charisma, enjoyment to please and whole mindset that is needed to submit fully to another person. There are times when life throws you a curve ball mixed with a fast ball. It’s hard to keep in mind that you aren’t free to react the way you would have.

Your Master may piss you off or annoy you, but you can’t really get mad and yell at Him or tell Him to piss off. (Do as I say not as I do. I’m still learning!!) It’s a natural reaction to defend yourself. In a way you can but you still have to show respect to the Man/Woman that owns you. After all you are His/Hers. They can do with you what they want with no explanation what so ever!

And that is hard for me to wrap my head around. I like knowing where I’m going, what I’m doing and who I will be doing it with. But with my Master, He likes to throw random things out there just to see how I react. I must think on my toes. It’s frustrating but at the end of the day when I do well, it is definitely rewarded. Maybe not in the conventional ways. Sometimes I will get an extra spanking or cuddle time. This weekend I got to see a chick flick because I was good meeting with Sir R and j! (HEY! Chick flicks are a big deal for me. They are even more rare than sushi, and that’s saying something!)

I may not get a treasured “Good girl” but I still get something. For a while I lost sight of that. I was so concerned with the negatives and not the positives, I didn’t even see when I was being rewarded. Thankfully my blindfold is off. And the reward helps reassure me that I am doing good even though I am struggling.

Does that make me a bad slave? Maybe. But at least I am learning and admitting when I slip up so I can dust myself off with the help of my Master.