Posts Tagged ‘ snapping ’

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Depression+Rant=post

I just got snapped at because I wanted to make the bed. Why on earth would I offer such nonsense? Because, to me, He doesn’t do it correctly. How dare I utter such blasphemous words; Right? But alas its true. He doesn’t tuck enough of the big blanket on my side, so it always comes undone at night. To avoid that I have perfected the amount of tucking. Why? If I do it HIS way, I get tangled in it and toss in my sleep until He wakes up livid slamming things close to my head. I have had to adapt. In order to prevent things that make Him scary. I knew He wouldn’t change His actions after all His excuse for not changing are “valid”. He shouldn’t be held accountable for His actions if He gets woken up badly. I therefore have to change….

I can’t believe I allowed myself to hope. After so long of not being snapped at I thought He got better. He will never change. Today’s was worse. At least all the others were in private. I can over look that and forgive. But in the open, people walking by the open window, hearing everything?? That I’m not so sure. I think He enjoys making me feel like crap! Otherwise He would see the humiliation or pain on my face and stop.

I’m done asking for any kind of pain or pleasure. It doesn’t matter what I want/need. I don’t think it ever has. I’m tired of dashed hopes when He says maybe, but nothing happens. And the rejection when He says He’s tired or doesn’t feel up to it. Why cant He see the slippery path I’m on? Does He care that all this stress is eating me up inside?! Or how much it hurts to be rejected day after day for some thing so simple as a spanking? Once again were at the dangerous edge in our relationship and He does nothing! He’s suppose to care! He is the provider or should be! Yet He does Nothing! He doesn’t or won’t (or even cant) discipline. Or provide the environment to thrive. He won’t allow me to soar in the high of our trust, love, life and bond. He doesn’t use me as a Sadistic Man should or how a masochistic slave desires.  There’s no fire, passion or kink. Why buy toys when their not properly used? The paddle has been used exactly twice over a month. Our extra curricular activities are non existent. Our flame is extinguished. And our passion is turning dull.

We still love each other so that has to count for something. Can love last that was founded on which isn’t there anymore? I think so. So the real question is can the lovers continue with out their true beings??

Unintentional Mistakes

I asked why He had the window down.. Innocent enough right? I didn’t know if He was going to smoke or if it was because of backing up. Sometimes it’s both. If He said for smoking I was going to ask if He needed a filter. We just got them so sometimes He forgets, ya know? I just wanted to be helpful. I guess my tone wasn’t to His liking (even though I was working on it all day) and I got reprimanded with a good ole’ fashion “Don’t talk to me like that!” deal. If you would have seen the look on His face, you would have though Him yelling. He did His hand gesture that He does when He’s angry too. Sure, He didn’t raise His voice too much so technically I wasn’t yelled at but it still felt the same. Before doing something stupid in defense I ran outside and started to cry… Like now!

I just wanted to be helpful. The filters are designed to cut down on the tar that goes into His lungs. And like I said He forgets since its new. My job is to remind Him… But He didn’t answer. Instead He got angry on how I asked… Or maybe it’s because I asked in the first place. I have been asking a lot of questions, maybe I started to annoy Him so He snapped. I will be more careful next time. I don’t want to fail again! 😦