Posts Tagged ‘ stress ’

Woohoo another day

One more day then Master and I expected for internet use. I have been checking it on and off today while I did laundry and other chores.

Thing’s have recently improved with Master and I but that is for another longer post. 🙂 If I’m keeping you on the edge of you seat.. Mission accomplished *Evil grin*
Living with W and R are still kind of stressful. I really flipped out at Master because of what R said after we got back from the store and got a couple of extra’s that her husband bought. I have to keep constantly reminding myself she is on steroids and a lot of them so I don’t flip out at her. That would be horrible! Master can take it because of the deal we have created. (which is also in the longer post hehe) Lets just say it is very beneficial to both parties. A win-win if you will.
Anywho, I’m just writing to say there will be a bigger post and the second part to the story later today. Today, I’m one busy girl.
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Conversation killer

Do you know the sure-fire way to kill a conversation? Well, it’s easy. Say something hurtful or a dig to the other person. Either that or pass gas.

Ever since Master’s pissing contest this morning/afternoon we have said a handful of words to each other. Every time I try to start-up a conversation he just doesn’t want to. Apparently he likes when I don’t talk. After all he did say to shut up. *shrugs* And here I thought my opinion mattered.

I know this is sounding like a bitch-fest or a venting session… That’s exactly what it is. I have no where else to turn when I have to express myself. So here it be.

Master and I were doing so well until he got stressed out again. You would think this job change is a good thing. Something he would look forward to. He gets a steady paycheck, house, health insurance and paid vacation! Plus he wouldn’t have to worry about the extra hassle and stress of owning a business. Now he just has to get up and show up. But I guess that’s the problem. He isn’t his own boss. Instead of looking at the great opportunity he is looking to the bad side of it… “Oh woe is me, I have to start over at 52 yrs old..”. Well, not trying to be insensitive here but so what?! It’s not just him anymore. Never really was for 11 years today. He has had his little girl for that long and now a in all intensive purposes, a wife. He has responsibilities that should be taken care of before some pride thing! It’s just ridiculous.

I am so sick of being snapped at today. I don’t know why the fuck I try when he is a butt!!

Pissing contests…

Master is really stressed about the job change. So much that He is back to snapping at every thing and every one that gets in his way. If who got the last shout is who won, he always wins. After he says something really harsh and hurtful I just shut down and do what he wants… shut up and go away.

Theres this place inside of me that I escape to a lot when Master is like this. It’s my numb place. I go on auto-pilot. I feel nothing. No happy thoughts, no sad thoughts. All I feel is the constant lump in my throat letting me know that it still hurts. For some reason, after constantly being beaten into silence and submission my upper arm has developed a warning pain letting me know tears are coming. When I use to cry with j after a severe beating he would administer another. When that pain in my arm starts I know to go to the place where the tears don’t flow. The place where I’m safe in oblivion… My numb place. It has saved me from so many things and people. It’s so sad that I have had to go there with Master. But every time he gets angry and says/does something he knows is hurtful I have to use it.

Any emotional pain that Master inflicts upon me is far worse than any physical pain I have had to endure. Mainly because Master is supposed to protect me from harm. He is supposed to shelter me and make me feel safe. But when he gets like this… He does none of that. Not only does he not protect me from harm, he inflicts it.

My whole life I have only been able to count on pets and inanimate objects to not hurt me. All pets want to do is love you and be loved by you. They don’t judge or use scornful sarcasm. They put their heads/bodies (depending on type/size of animal) in your lap and lick at any showing flesh trying to make you feel better. They are always glad you exist. No matter what… And things are just that, things. My stuffed animals (yes I still have them) aren’t beings so therefor they can’t judge. They can’t lower and degrade me for my actions when I’m hurt.

To put it in Master’s words when it comes to his stress. I either have to help or shut up… Here is me helping. I will say this then shut up.

If he wants to stay in this shitty job, stay. If he doesn’t want to make any money to support his family, don’t. If he thinks he can make money hopefully before he is dead, think away. That is his choice, I have made mine.

Whether by this opportunity or another I am getting off this truck. If I have to go alone, I will. I actually want to make money. Have a life and a home. And I will get all of those things. He can stay on the truck, I don’t care. I on the other hand, will get off, get an actual job that pays actual money. And thrive! Yes, I am now doing what I said I would never do. He has to choose. I have given him a year of my life with this. I haven’t seen my friends let alone family in a year. I will not do it another year. I am at my breaking point.

So what will he do?

Stay?
or
Quit?