Posts Tagged ‘ submission ’

Refocus

I’ve decided to take a break from the internet for the next 3 days. I don’t just mean Facebook but everything from Fetlife down to blogs. I will still write but I won’t be reading about other people’s lives.

I only have three days left with my Master. I am going to make them count for something! My focus is being shifted refocused on Him, where its suppose to be. He is my priority, not some one I have never met in person. No offence to any of you, but this is something I have to do.

I will not look back on these days with regret because I didn’t do more! My time with Him is extremely important, precious and special.

Struggles

“What have you discovered in your service that you never expected?”

That is a hard one. I have had this on my mind the whole weekend trying to answer that. I have known since I was 16 that this lifestyle is what I wanted. To serve and please another in all that I am. At first I was drawn to the submissive side but that changed once I met my Master. I never expected this part to be so hard. I figured I would be a pro at it since I have been wanting to please since I was 16.

After a little while I realized the hardest thing in my service is staying in the slave mindset. I never knew it would be so hard maintaining the charisma, enjoyment to please and whole mindset that is needed to submit fully to another person. There are times when life throws you a curve ball mixed with a fast ball. It’s hard to keep in mind that you aren’t free to react the way you would have.

Your Master may piss you off or annoy you, but you can’t really get mad and yell at Him or tell Him to piss off. (Do as I say not as I do. I’m still learning!!) It’s a natural reaction to defend yourself. In a way you can but you still have to show respect to the Man/Woman that owns you. After all you are His/Hers. They can do with you what they want with no explanation what so ever!

And that is hard for me to wrap my head around. I like knowing where I’m going, what I’m doing and who I will be doing it with. But with my Master, He likes to throw random things out there just to see how I react. I must think on my toes. It’s frustrating but at the end of the day when I do well, it is definitely rewarded. Maybe not in the conventional ways. Sometimes I will get an extra spanking or cuddle time. This weekend I got to see a chick flick because I was good meeting with Sir R and j! (HEY! Chick flicks are a big deal for me. They are even more rare than sushi, and that’s saying something!)

I may not get a treasured “Good girl” but I still get something. For a while I lost sight of that. I was so concerned with the negatives and not the positives, I didn’t even see when I was being rewarded. Thankfully my blindfold is off. And the reward helps reassure me that I am doing good even though I am struggling.

Does that make me a bad slave? Maybe. But at least I am learning and admitting when I slip up so I can dust myself off with the help of my Master.

Mercy

“I want to put myself absolutely at your mercy for good or evil without any condition, without any limit to your power.” -Leopold von Sacher-Masoch

I would absolutely love to submit myself to the whims of my Owner in such a complete way. I would be thrilled to wake up and not know what’s going to happen to or around me. If I could submit all things to Him my life would be so simple and to the point.

I don’t know if I can do that though. Ever since I was a little girl I have been taking care of myself. And I have done a good job of it. I’ve always worked and made my own decisions. I’m a rather independent person and that can get in the way of submitting like that. I know what I want when I want it and I know what I need when I need it.

What I don’t know is if He will be that in tune to my wants and needs. If He doesn’t I, once again, am an unfulfilled person. I know what that’s like. I don’t want to go back to being a walking, talking time bomb. I don’t want to be broken!

Plus I’m afraid. I don’t wear my collar right now because it’s symbology has changed. It has become a red-hot beacon of all my disappointments this last year and a half. It symbolises all my neglected needs, lost experiences and sorrow. That particular collar lost its good meaning.

I’m hoping with a new collar I won’t be so afraid of it.

The plotting continues

The Curse has arrived! It reared its big painful head this morning at 7am. The only good thing about it coming now is I will be free of it by this weekend. I’m glad I only have a 5-6 day span instead of longer. The trade off is the first day is always the most painful. I had to take 4 extended relief Midol just to make the cramps go by-by! I know Master doesn’t like it when I take so much. But it helps…

I’m also lucky He can show mercy and kindness at this time. I become a ball of over worked nerves and my emotions  go all wonky! I tend to play on the sympathy card for extra snuggles 🙂 (Hey! Once a month never killed anyone!)

So last night a major storm system blew through Dallas. It woke both of us up but us being us we fell back asleep. And I get up this morning, before Master, (*Gloats*) only to see nothing but now and ice! The truck was completely froze over. Dallas isn’t suppose to get this crap! Damn Mother Nature and Her fickle ways. Master deemed it undrivable today. We turned on the local news and I was grateful He said that. On I-35E there was a 10-truck (18 wheelers) pile up and several others all over town. The Delivery people won’t drive in it so you know its bad.

I don’t know what we’re going to do for dinner.

As I write this it’s snowing again! 😦

I showed Master Sephis response to my comment on Facebook. It made Him think about it. I will not give up on getting my nips pierced without a fight! I want it to badly… I think I swayed Him on getting my hair dyed to! Purple and black is my goal. I planted the seeds of indecision, now all I have to do is let them grow. There has to be some form of compromise.

Where there’s a Will… There’s a slave plotting!

Speaking of plotting slaves… Do you remember the blog I just found? Probably not since I mentioned it all of one time. Anyway, I don’t think I like the blog… Or her, at least the side she blogs about. I know it’s still a new blog, but she’s to… Good! All she writes about is how doing things for Him makes her pleased. She writes about His pleasure is her pleasure. I’m not knocking those feelings, god(s) knows I have them at times. But is that it? Is that all she can think of to write about? What about all her other emotions?

There’s more to being a slave/sub/servant than “just” pleasing your Master/Dom/Owner. The connection that binds one to Him/Her is so powerful and unique to each dynamic that more words/feelings are needed to describe it than “He is Master; I am slave”! Even describing feelings certain activities draw out in you need more understanding than the basics. Saying I enjoy making the bed because He likes a well made bed seems wrong because I loathe making the bed. That won’t go away because I’m now a slave…

Basically she sounds Robotic. And that rubs me the wrong way. Ok, maybe not robotic but its the only word that comes to mind. Then you add how she ends her posts with a question to the readers… It’s almost as if she’s playing it safe. I won’t be linking her blog because I stopped reading it myself. I guess I like the blogs that are more honest in their writings.

For me, writing is a way to express myself and my feelings. I have a hard time talking about my problems. Even to Master. I am getting better but it’s not 100%. So what I write is a part of me… Flaws and all. So I look for similar writers. I don’t want to read what you think I might enjoy.

Maybe that’s asking too much..

Scared

I have been in a funk all day. I can’t seem to do anything right. I accidentally double posted a comment. I hit “publish” to soon and Master wanted to comment. Needless to say the writer got rather snippy at a common mistake, so I won’t be reading the blog any longer. My little way of saying, “Fuck you pall!”

The more I evaluate why I’m like this the more upset I become. I know its only been 3 days, give or take, since Master said He would test me. I know change takes time. At least my head knows that. My heart however just knows nothing happened last night. And I’m scared. I don’t want how He treated me that day to stop. I need desperately what He started!

He has said things to this effect before and for a time things are always fantastic. I’m happy and content and I think He’s happy and content… And then He withdraws, then I’m left wanting/begging and unfulfilled.

I enjoyed the feeling of being exactly who/what I’m suppose to be. I was centered around my submission to my Master. I actually wanted to do what I was told in that moment. I wanted to be used in any way by Him. I would have willingly crawled outside if He asked it. And that scares me to, but I still want to feel that way again.. and again… and again… and again… and again!!

Resolutions

Welcome to the New Year! Most people are lamenting on the past year. To me this wonderful day means last year is done. Now I must take all the good and bad memories into the future to shape this new and wonderful year! So in light of all of this, I am going to do my new year resolutions here, in my blog.

I tend to do a lot of things differently. To me you have to do your resolutions just so or you will fail. You have to be specific. You can’t just say you want to loose weight. It’s not specific enough and in my experience you’ll fail…

Instead, How much weight do you want to loose? Are you going to exercise, eat right or both? When are you going to put the exercise into your routine?

All of these are contributing factors that will lead to success if done right! So here they are Ladies and Gents!

  1. Once off the truck, I am going to (for starters) insert 20 push ups, 20 sit ups, 20 jumping jacks and 20 leg ups into my morning routine. After coffee of course! My goal is to loose 75 lbs throughout the year of 2011.
  2. While still on the truck, I am going to kneel next to my Master more while He drives. It will help establish my submission even when He is driving… Since He is always driving!
  3. Through small steps, I am going to change the way I view service. I want to broaden the sense of the word to include mundane house hold chores. Such as getting His Pepsi, cleaning His boots and rubbing His back.
  4. This one ties in with number 3 but like I said specific. I want to start giving Master a back massage, on my own with no command or order from Him, at least three times a week.
  5. I’m going to try to let Him be in control. I won’t fight or pull away when He grazes my nipples in public in a very public manner. After all I am His slut, to use as He sees fit. Not how I see fit.
  6. After my morning ritual (on the truck) is complete and we are going down the Highway, I am going to meditate for 20 minutes every morning… No exceptions! I’m hoping this will also help me with my submission/control problems in 2011.

Reconnecting on Christmas

Yesterday wasn’t a conventional Christmas even to those into kink. There was no tree or flashy lights. No caroling or festivities. It was just a Master and His slut enjoying each others company. There was a lot of laughing and talking. In light of the New Year I kept asking a lot of hard questions designed to get into His head! I want the New Year to be even better than this year. I don’t want our relationship to grow stale; Instead I want to constantly expand and grow in ways we thought were impossible.

One of our conversations was about that. How to improve, what we want for us out of the life we lead. I think we came to the perfect middle ground. Well, realized what our goal was. One of many anyway.

In our opinion, no one can be completely “on” all the time. Yes, you are always a submissive or slave. However you can’t act docile or subservient all day every day. You have to sleep, shower, eat and so on. With us we joke around and start tickle was a lot. And I do mean a lot! It takes the pressures of the day away from our dynamic so when we are “on” there is no outside interference. Just us, in the moment reveling in the power exchange that takes us places wonderful and unknown.

Yesterday was the perfect example of that. We joked around but at the end of the day when it was time to get serious, we were who the “title” describes.

We had our first scene/play time in weeks last night. It was simple in design but oh so wonderful! The sensations were intense. I finally felt centered. My mind (if done right) will go blank during the onslaught of sensations. I forgot my safe word twice last night. I didn’t answer a question properly and was goaded until I did. It was perfect! The only grr! moment was when He stopped because of my tears. Even though in hindsight that was exactly the right thing to do.

The experience made me feel reconnected with my submission. It brought me closer to Master. And showed me He loves me still. Maybe more than He did when we met. I know I feel more strongly for Him now than I ever thought possible when we met!