Posts Tagged ‘ trucking ’

Loss of words

I have come to find a new comfort food or rather drink. While Master has been away I first turned to munching on snacks when the pangs of sadness hit. As you can imagine that doesn’t help me loose weight. Which is my goal now that I am off the truck. So I substituted food for hot tea.

When Master and I ate breakfast or I was feeling down I had a mug of hot tea and felt better. I was calmed at once. I tried it again yesterday, curled up on the couch under a blankie with a cup of hot tea and it was easier to stomach the pain. It helps to center my mind.

Its hard to explain just how I feel with out my Master around. Most of you probably don’t understand why I needed something to center myself and calm the emotions. Like so many other things that go along with slabery or BDSM, you have to experience it for yourself to really know. If you went from a 24/7 TPE relationship to a version of a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) than you know where I am at.

You cant read about the loss of self that happens when you are parted from your Dominant and then know about it. No words correctly describe the empty shell that one becomes.

Its better today than it was Friday. Not by much but at least I’m not crying as much. Right now that is about all I can hope for this first tme. I am praying the next time He leaves it will be easier but I’m not so sure..

Catch all

Master went to work Friday. I am here in the apartment. Its nice not to be moving all the time from truck stop to truck stop. No more truckers staring at me constantly, and I have indoor plumbing!

But there is no Master around. The place feels empty and quiet without Him. I never realized how much I relied on Him for things like conpanionship. He is the only person I can talk to that gets me and our unique situation. The only “Friend” I have doesn’t talk to me unless she wants something. Now that I know she is like that I can search else where when I can.

Until that happens though, i’m kind of stuck here in the apartment becaise I don’t know anyone. I don’t mind not going out as much as I mind the fact that I have no one to talk to. Master, for all His other qualities, is a horrid listener. He doesn’t understand the healing abilities of a good rant. He interupts with “think positive” or “its fine”. Which is ok if I am panicking.

I don’t know why but I cant watch a whole movie here. I get about half through and I get a wild hair to do something. Today it was clean the kitchen. It didn’t need it but I couldn’t sit still any longer. I’ve tried 3 different movies all to the same affect. Its odd because I use to be able to just stop everything and veg for an hour or two. I cant seem to do it and its definately bothersome! Its a wee bit frustrating too.

I think I might try a different one tomorrow.

Eager Acceptance

I’m taking a break from writing The Academy. I normally don’t like to do that but there is a lot happening that is making me preoccupied.

We are moving into the apartment in less than a week. As for those of you who are friends on FB know, I am a mixed bag of nerves. It varies from day to day and hour to hour sometimes. I am excited to get off the truck! The first 6 months were fun but the year and a half after that was a bit brutal.

It was a great learning tool though. When two people are thrust together (not in a dirty way! Get your heads out of the gutter!) in a limited enviroment, they either mesh together or crumble. We not only meshed but thrived! At times it was a little rough and bumpy but no relationship is perfect. We are far from perfection but we are perfect for one another. There is no I or Me anymore, instead its We or Us.

People, couples especially, have no real concept of 24/7 until they live in a truck. I have no outside job or schooling to go to. Entertainment is done together, i.e movies. In the beginning we even showered together. Except for the bathroom we are hardly apart. Where He goes, I go. It can be suffocating or solidifying depending how you look at it. I like to think it helped make Us as strong as we are! For that, I will be forever grateful for this experience.

Now its time for the next stage in our relationship. Taking this leap of faith scares me to death and excites me. We have mastered living together in a really small space. Its become our normal and its safe. It’s not the experience or even the responsibility that frightens… Just that, we finally have us down pat and I’m afraid we will have to relearn us. I know that’s silly but there you have it.

Then you add being away from Master 2-3 weeks a month while He works and I’m a basket case!

I am doing things eagerly that I would normally grimace at just to have that feel of ownership and control. I don’t complain (as much) about the chores like laundry and making the bed. I still don’t like it but I am more than willing to do it. Anything I can do to help carry the dynamic we have now, I will do!

For instance, last night I gave Master a foot rub. I abhor feet! But I did it to show my appreciation to Him. No ulterior motive or selfish thoughts. Just me on my knees serving up one hell of a foot rub to Him!

Another reason to dislike trucking…

Today has been a short day. We stopped driving at 2:30pm. Usually its the full 11hours that we drive so its great and rare that it happened. It gave me time to clean the truck after dinner.

I have been in a funk for months cleaning the rig. I stopped caring if it was clean or dirty. So naturally it got filthy! Still, I didn’t care. I just got so fed up with this while business. The constantly moving, no friends or comforts of home. Everything about this! Now that getting off the truck is in my near future I hate it for another reason…

Its going to keep Master away from me. We are going from 24/7, always together to just weekend visits. I’m not good at long distance relationships (LDR). The only reason I’m tolerating this is because its Him. I love Him and need Him in my life more than my need for constant companionship and reminders. I just don’t know how I’m going to get through the week(s) without Him!

This whole thing makes me want to do everything possible now. Stop worrying about the little things. Allow myself to submit fully to Him. Just thinking about this makes me want to cry! I don’t want to miss all the opportunities or possibilities because of fear or stubbornness. I want to show Him He can trust me to keep to the rules by following them here. I don’t want Him to think I will disobey His orders just because He isn’t there. That would be awful and I want to make Him proud not disappointed. I don’t think I could live that down.

Btw.. The curse showed up a bit today. Tomorrow will be full force! UGH! Horrid timing 😦

Scatter Brained

Today has been somewhat of a mess. We delivered yesterday here in Laredo with the understanding we would go down to Corpus Christi this morning. For some reason our DM decided not to allow Master to bob-tail (take just the tractor) there for our home time. We were going to ship out angels Christmas pressies and get a Hotel for the night. I also needed to check the po box for my official I.D card. (right now all I have is the temporary paper) Instead of doing all that we were stuck here at the terminal. We had to wait until after 2:00pm before we got a load.

The load goes to Michigan to some town I can’t spell let alone pronounce! I guess for trucking right now is the slow season. The load doesn’t deliver until Monday. Only now the phantom night crew is flipping out because Masters still going to Corpus! What did they expect? He told everyone on day shift what He’s doing. So now they’re threatening to take the load off of us. Needless to say He’s pissed. It took Him all day to get that load and now there going to take it?! Night crew usually does the bare minimum just enough to skate through. Only now they decide to be ambitious? Bra-Freaking-Vo! >.<

I just finished reading the first 3 books in the Inheritance cycle.. (eragon books) They were really great! I can’t wait for the last and final book to come out. I couldn’t put them down. They were everything a reader (like moi) could hope for in a series. They began where the last one ended, leaving no gaps for you to figure out what went down. Right now Master is reading the first one. So far so good. I hope He really enjoys them.

His boots are done, my little self-esteem is crashing so it must be bedtime!

Foot-in-ass

Once again I am sorry for my disappearance. When we moved in with Master’s friend and his wife, we didn’t have access to internet. Since then things have just been crazy. There is a very long version and then there is a short version.

What shall it be? Long or short?

When Master had us quit the over-the-road trucking business I don’t think he realized quite what He got us into. Living with them was one bad moment after the other. R was a complete bitch plus she was on all kinds of drugs both legal and not. She would snap and throw a fit about the littlest things. And her husband was such a wimp! I would say he is pussy whipped but he hasn’t had any from her in years.

Then she decided to rape Master on the rent. We stayed in a tiny room and she wanted $900 a month in rent. It was absurd and of course it never happened. We settled on $800 a month which was paid in weekly increments. Only she started to get worse because she started complaining about the money we were giving her. I mean she got it what the hells the difference how?? Beats the hell out of me.

Needless to say we are no longer there. Right now we are staying in a cheap crappy hotel until Master does his orientation with a new over-the-road trucking business. Only this time we will NOT be buying our own! That isn’t even in the category of possibilities. She threw us out over a thrown away cup of ice and taking a rental movie back. Isn’t that what your suppose to do, take the movie back after watching it?! She even had the audacity to call the cops on me because I wanted to call my Master and warn him instead of kissing her ass and doing what she says without talking to him!

I wouldn’t do anything as drastic as packing his things with out his knowledge especially over a cup of ice.

I wish we didn’t have to go back on the road but… We have to do what is needed due to all of this crud. I will write when/if I can. My future is pretty spotty as of right now.

More questions

We are stopped and parked for the night and it isn’t even 6:00PM. I love when we stop early. It’s still rather nice outside instead of dark and Master and I get to play around a little bit rather than eat then go to bed. 🙂

A little while ago my Master asked me two very serious questions that were spaced out through the day. One was “If I went to Iraq for a year as an explosives/supplies truck driver, would you be ok with that?” First, facts. Master has thought about this before. He is a former Marine so when 9/11 happened it renewed His sense of whup-ass. For one year He would get paid $300 grand. Which if it wasn’t in the middle of a Warzone would be very appealing. But He would be putting His life in danger every minute of the day. There would be a huge possibility that He wouldn’t get back in one piece or even alive. I very much like His body in one peice and His heart beating causing Him to I dunno… Breath! So I told Him I am not ok with that, at all. Even though we need money. We don’t need it that bad. I have been firmly against that from the beginning. Anything to do with Master putting His life in danger, I will be against.

The other question was, “Why don’t you beg for my cock?”. Honestly I have never seen the point. The only time I would feel comfortable with begging would be when I’m in a complete submissive state of mind. Which doesn’t happen often. Master would have to step up His A-game ten-folds. He has already improved a lot this last week almost two. I have always had a difficult time lowering myself in my actions. I’m not really sure why that is. I will do pup play and happily agree to having my behind thrown into a cage. But begging? Not so much. I really wish I knew why that was, other then I don’t feel submissive enough. Maybe I’m afraid to be that vulnerable to Master. *shrugs* It’s deffinately something I will have to think on.

Master wants to go eat. We are at a T.A and apparently it has a good spread for the Buffet. We will see when I get in there. 🙂

(photo credit- dikitdikit.com)