Posts Tagged ‘ trust ’

I’m greatful for…

by PrimroseSue

Master’s love and patience.. I know I am not perfect. I try His patience each and every day when I misbehave, and yet He still sticks with me. I know I can do better be better and so does He! So He waits.

For frosted flakes when it’s either cereal or greasy day old pizza for breakfast.. When Master chooses Flying J truck stops to stay the night, I have limited choices for a nutritious or appetising breakfast. I am a firm believer that breakfast is the most important meal of they day. So I get the little individual cups of frosted flakes instead of pizza!

For Master allowing me to sleep in once in a while… I am not a morning person! I make no excuses as to why. I’d rather greet the dawn by staying awake all night than wake up at 6am or earlier. So when Master lets me sleep in, I have no words to express my thanks.

Master’s mercy and letting me have a Red Bull and coffee at 4am… I am not allowed to drink red bull, soda or anything to sweet. It messes with my system and I am trying to cut back on the sweets where I can. But at 4am I need the extra caffeine that is in both of those drinks. I usually drink Hot Tea instead of coffee, but red bull is usually a big no-no. He is very kind to me!

For finally being able to get a hotel when we are fried… When we were with the Other Company, we could barely afford to eat let alone take time off the truck in a hotel! But now? With the new Company we can do that once a month and sometimes more than that. It’s why I take great offense when someone speaks badly to me about it.

Sushi!! Need I say more? Except that Master doesn’t really like chinese food, so it’s rare that I get it.

And last but not least, for an extra dose of cuddles when The Curse is here… My Master is very understanding and sympathetic when it comes to cramps, hot flashes and cold flashes. He gives me cuddles when I ask for them and lets the leash slip a bit so to speak.

*****

For the last week I have been writing a Gratitude List. It has been driving my Master crazy because I wouldn’t let Him see it. *snickers* He could have pushed the issue but didn’t. And that? Is one of the biggest honor He has given me. He lets me write freely and about anything I wish. No rules or limits. I am honored He trusts me enough to know what is acceptable to write about and what isn’t because if I had to get the posts preaproved? I’d go nuts!

So Thank you Master for everything You do for me and allow me to do! Your patience and trust mean everything to me!

The Walls

I have been struggling with how mundane my life is right now. It’s all I seem to think about. With every thing that is going on outside our little bubble of control; you would think what can be controlled would take the center stage. And in my mind that is exactly how it works. My Master doesn’t think like that.

It seems with Him the crazier our life is the farther away He pushes us. Right now we are both stressed, I mean severely stressed. What with accumulating cash to move, His ex-mother-in-law and His DM(driver manager) there is no room for this lifestyle or in-depth discussions about us.

We are polar opposites in this. Life fire and ice trying to live together without destroying everything in the process. It really makes me angry and frustrated because He always says it will be easier. In some ways (like room, time and a way to get toys) yeah I’m sure it will be easier but the stress won’t go away! It will only morph into a different cocktail of unpleasantness.

I have no way to release that pent-up anger and frustration. I can’t clean in a mad frenzy or walk until my lungs want to burst. Other than those two ways I don’t know how to not break. Even the pope himself would snap in my predicament.

Because I’m so angry the thought of a scene is unappetizing to say the least. I’m not in the right mind-set for a quick spanking or slapping. I no longer enjoy giving Him a handjob or blowjob. It’s an instant turn off for me. I know that sounds harsh but I know my Master. Sometimes more than He gives me credit for.

I’m not sure I could accept anything that would make me more vulnerable than I am now. Even without the added vulnerability I have been hurt enough this week. I have been yelled at and snapped at multiple times. Right now I am just to iffy or on edge. I’m afraid I would break…

*****

I just got out of a much needed shower. It was actually relaxing to sit under the hot water while shaving. Usually, showers are more of a chore than or obligation (my Master likes me smooth and hairless everywhere so it takes some time and effort) but today? It actually gave me time to think uninterrupted. Which is rare.

So I was doing my thing and it just came to me! The walls I use to have around my secret place and heart were coming back. I have worked so hard to knock those down and let my Master in. I’ve always been slightly afraid of letting Him in and submitting fully to Him. As you know I am a fairly independent person. (hush in the peanut gallery!) I’ve had to be to survive. I wasn’t sure I could trust Him to lean me in the right direction.

To this day I am really hesitant about that. I am also not a very trusting soul. I know I can trust Him with my life, but can I trust Him with everything else?

Its better than last month and hopefully in another month I will trust Him even more. Every day that goes by with Him fully ensconced in His role and I’m still safe and happy is a step in the right direction. On the flip side of that coin, every time He is just NGT the guy and I’m frustrated its one step backward.

Another thought I had in the shower way maybe a good scene was what I do in fact need! (I know two thoughts! I’m that good! hehe) My mind did a 180 degree spin I know, but hear me out. Doing nothing has messed with my head pretty bad. I’ve had bouts of self-doubt, whether or not I’m good enough to be my Masters’ slut and some of the walls come back to full glory from the rubble.

So perhaps I need to be pushed to my limit and then forced 10-20 steps farther into the unknown and past my safety net. I need to be put in my place then kept there. I know parts I won’t enjoy while others I will love. I need Him to unleash the Sadistic Bastard that lurks inside Him for a couple of days. To get back on track with what I am supposed to be!

Knowing me, I might rebel at first. When I am put back into my place I get a bit huffy and snippy.* After months of no corrections its only natural to resist. But after the initial huffy-ness I settle into the place that makes me love what I do. (mmm m&ms with pretzels inside!!) It just takes me a while to get back to that state of mind. After all patience is a virtue. (looks pointedly at Master)

*Master’s edit: A bit?! A bit snippy my Ass! (yes He did type that)

Love

“Is it possible to be in a D/s relationship without love?”

I am in no way an expert on love, relationships or slavery! Some people go out into the world looking for a casual fling while others search for their one Master. Then there are those that wish to only play but end up finding The One.

Personally I think there should be a certain amount of love to be in any relationship much less a D/s one. What I do with my Master is a very intimate process. It’s not just about the great sex or even some of the scenes. It’s a sensual experience to be opened up by someone.

Imagine being laid bare for Him/Her to see. The basis of who you are easily read, tweaked and rearranged. No where to hide. You have to trust He/She knows what you can or can’t handle. Trusting Him/Her to keep you safe mentally and physically!

Could you do that with someone you didn’t love and who didn’t love you?

I could never do that. With out that love (for me) there is no trust. How could I know some guy had my best intentions in mind while toying with me? I can’t.

I know my Master loves me. He knows my Hard Limits. I’ve told Him more about my past than anyone alive! It’s what keeps me here and wanting to experience more. To give more!

Is a D/s relationship possible without love? Yeah, anything is possible. Can it be done? If your strong enough, yes.

Should it be done? In my opinion, No. Its to much of a gamble to me.

Who knows, you might get lucky.

…. Or not.

Trust

Almost every blog you read, every information site and self-help books all mention one pinpoint in the foundation of a D/s or S/m dynamic that everything else balances on. Trust.

I couldn’t agree more!

Only issue is my foundation is cracked and has tons of problems. My whole like, albeit a short time, I could trust two people, Just two. Friends turned at the first hint of abnormally. My family put me down, abused me at the first sign of trouble. I was moved from home to home by the “adults” who “knew best”. Now the two I thought would be with me forever are gone.

My grandpa, who was the best man ever, passed away from cancer. He prolonged his life by 12+ years from the day his doctors said he had 6+ months left. Knowing that makes the loss… less horrible. I could tell him anything and no matter his own beliefs he would listen and help.

Then my twin brother just up and leaves for the man I call Our sperm donors father, a.k.a our paternal grandad. He wont respond to emails or IM’s. No one has his phone number. Scratch that. His flavor of the month, Fox probably does. When I found out she wasn’t who she said she was I stopped talking to her.

Any who. Let’s not get into that Bag O’worms.

So needless to say I’m a bit rusty on trusting people. I love my Master with a frenzy and passion I can’t/don’t want to control. I am just scared to let Him in that far. Over the years I have been working on it. It’s just not at the level I want. I trust Him to know when to stop while playing. I trust Him to make the right choices for our family. I just don’t trust Him to not cheat or leave me like everyone else.

I know that’s wharped. I can trust Him not to drown me or beat me raw, but I can’t trust Him to stay and not take away my reasons to better myself.

The test is when I’m not on the truck with Him. I will be left home while He works. I’m going to be scared He won’t come back but every time He does, I will trust Him that much more.

And that my fellow pervs and lurkers is why I must work on Trust right along with Acceptance and Selflessness. Which I will write more on later.

A new blog and new beginning?

I’m sorry everyone for the cloak-and-dagger routine. I wish it wouldn’t have been necessary. As I said on the other blog, my hand was forced in changing sites. I had been thinking about doing this very thing, just with ample opportunity for you to find and/or locate this one. But the person that was just giving my hard work to strangers that didn’t really care, was threatening to post my link on her home page. That my friends is very unacceptable!

The girl who Master had previously collared has turned into a raving bitch! At every opportunity she was trying to make Master mad. I get the whole “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” thing, but come on! It was a computer program! It wasn’t like she was owned by Him in real life. Once un-collared she should have just left it alone. Just like W/we tried to do. But enough of her…

Master and I are doing good. We are in Texas right now and the heat is unbearable. He has the AC on full blast and I am still sweating my rump off. We have a load going to the “bottom” of Texas as Master puts it. It is just going to get hotter and hotter the further south we go. We have been drinking more Gatorade and water in the last three days then the last three weeks. It’s insane how hot it gets down here!

Tomorrow Master has set up a “Dinner date” with a friend of His and his wife. I am extremely nervous about meeting these people because of the last time I was supposed to meet His family. That was such a disaster. Master has assured me that they are nothing like the evil beings that claim to be His family. I am trying to draw strength from His positive attitude and personal strength. When it comes to this I am trusting Master to be my rock and my shoulder if need be. I just have a hard time trusting people in general. My life, even though short in numbers, has taught me to watch my back. Threats can come from any source. I’m just glad Master got through that shell.

We are going through Houston Texas right now, so I have to go help navigate.