Posts Tagged ‘ used ’

Expectation Assignment

Master wants me to write about my expectations for this hometime. We are moving in tomorrow. I’m not good with assignment writing so bare with me yall!

One thing I have learned as a lesson from my Master is to let things happen how they may. In essence stop trying to micromanage every detail of my life and let Master handle it. It has been a very hard long process to get me where I am. But I have arrived relatively unscathed. Which means I have no expectations.

But…!

I do have a couple of fantasies that I would like to see happen. Both in the broader sense of the word and specifics. I want to break the new place in with a Bang! I need to feel 100% owned, controlled and cherished at the same time. I want to be worn out and beaten until I can’t sit, stand, walk or even blink with out a twinge of pain or six.

I need to be put in my place and have our dynamic fully established within the new home. I need to know that the lip or back talk isn’t going to be acceptable. That the slack He has given me in the truck is gone! I want to feel like His slave both domestically and sexually. I want to be forced into my role.

I need humiliation, degradation and a primal fuck. I need to be treated like nothing other than property.

Then…

I need to be cuddled, soothed and pampered. I want all the nice words and the I love you’s after He completely breaks down every single wall that I have built in my life.

For this time, I have no limits. (except cumming on my face!! just clarifying *coughs*) I want no safe word or gesture. After two years of pain, my wonderful Sadist knows His masochists buttons pretty damn well! 🙂

For Master: I want You to turn me into Your filthy fuck toy and use me until You have completed your feast. Then at the end of the night, I will need You to tell me that You love me, need me and want me! With an extra heap of cuddles 😀

Acceptance

Last night my Owner claimed what’s His for His gratification; my body. In my head I understand that is basically my role in this dynamic but deep down I don’t like it.

I tend to invert into myself when He does this (Thank gosh He doesn’t do it often) until it’s over. I hide from the negative feelings that pop their ugly little heads up. Truth be told I’m also hiding from my Master. I have a very hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I am, complementary to my beliefs, a piece of His property. Although an important piece of property.

I enjoy talking about myself as such but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty… I don’t like the activities that make me that. Don’t get me wrong, I love being His slave, bitch and personal slut! I thrive when I am under His control and am more comfortable on the floor by His feet. As I write this I am sitting on the floor while He drives. I don’t mind doing the domestic duties (except making the bed!) because it centers me into my role as slave while it pleases Him.

I just can’t wrap my head around being sexually used as His personal cock sucker, cunt and piece of ass, even though that is a part of what I am. I can say the words and revel in my role when He says them. But the actions? Nuh-uh! I hide from them like a hypocrite.

Master told me, last night during the after-care, that I needed to accept my role as His property. Once I realized by accepting the fact that I not only pleased Him but also gave Him what He needed at the time, I fulfilled my role! He told me I shouldn’t hide from pleasing Him when He needs it most…

It makes sense and I want to be able to do exactly that. And I decided to let you in on the process! I want to succeed in pleasing my Master and molding myself to better please Him. There are a few areas that I need to work on. So, I’m creating a new category for this named Hurdles. In order to succeed I need to write about my thoughts and feelings during this road to a better me. If I ignore the feelings and problem areas I will fail. I know that about me, I have to analyze the situations and deal with them accordingly. And right now, where it counts, I can’t afford to fail!

Being Taken

… When we got back to the truck after the thunder storm it was really dark. He decided to change parking spots and go to the very back, dark corner of the yards lot. Right then I knew what ever he had planed wasn’t going to be at all pleasurable but instead extremely painful. Since I’m a screamer in all things painfull, and having no gag he has to park away from people as much as possible. And boy did I scream! At first he had me finger myself while stroking him. I really didn’t want to play with myself right then. Something came over me just at that moment and I was severely shy! I have never been shy sexually, I know what I want/like and will do whatever is needed to get it. But as soon as Master had me do that I was instantly turned off. That has NEVER happened with us. I’ve had a hard time orgasming but never being instantly turned off. I had to do what I was told though because he was in full Master mode as he puts it. At that point he made me get on all fours, continue to play all the while smacking
my butt, thighs and back with the combination of his belt and hand. I wasn’t given a safeword so all I could do was bare it and hope he would stop soon. Not only am I a screamer I’m also a mover. When it gets to painful I move away from him even though it will do me no good what-so-ever! I was in tears after five minutes or so and he was still going. I thought it would never end. At some point he got behind me and used my hole rather painfully because I was no longer wet. He had my hair in his hand and pulling my head up of the pillow. I am still sore! After such use and harshness I yearn for my cage. All I wanted was to be put away to ponder what happened and every thing I felt. But alas, the cage doesn’t fit in the truck. When that bitch threw us out we had to condense everything and I had to sacrifice my gag, blindfold, restraints and cage. We haven’t been able to get any of that back yet.

Are toys considered a necessity? After the text from angel all we are buying is the essintials so we can save money quicker.. We are going to have to get them at some point anyway. And find a place/way to hide them.

We will get to that road block when it shows up.